Oh hey Macy Gray and Sara B… my world crumbles when you are not there… la la la
I haven’t done a blog post in forever (not even being too dramatic). Here I am in my spot by the water, I just looked at the end of the rocky jetty and one single gull stares at me from the end. It feels like it could rain, but also like it’ll hold off so I don’t have to immediately run for cover as soon as I get started. Perhaps the U knows I’ve done that enough. Maybe it’s time to not be disrupted.
I miss this. I am writing plenty so it’s not the same as gulps of oxygen between lots of turning blue. This is different.
I wonder if someday I’ll have a house facing the water at Woodmont. I don’t need one. I can just come here. But I just simply allow myself to wonder.
Wander.
When one of my songs ended I took off my headphones and wanted to just listen to the water lap against the rocks. Unfortunately two other patrons are speaking loudly about crushing lantern flies and it’s yucking on my yum at the moment. Not sure who origincally coined that term. I think an OG I know better is crap on my cornflakes lol. I’ve been very nostalgic lately. Truly craving mellow yellow kitchen appliances and phone cords. A world where everyone isn’t illuminated by the glow of a screen. Bike riding, roller skating, dollar movies, and hanging out.
If I’ve learned anything as of late it’s that I can only control myself LOL.
Speaking of that six months in CODA as of this weekend. It truly and really has transformed my journey in ways other forms of healing and spirituality hadn’t touched yet. For this I am grateful.
I’m grateful for most these things days. I want to be a better person. I’m not a bad one. I just want a lifestyle that focuses a lot on growth. That’s been a constant. I think a lot lately about what constants are authentically me.
It’s been three months without Henri….
16 years with and three months without. In my line of work we call that adjustment…it’s diagnosable and sometimes requires a cpt code.
A little humor never hurt anyone. leraning to laugh has been a big part of my work lately. I should say returning to laughter, which is part of my birthright and I was only blocked from not having to learn it from zero.
Four large birds circling over the water. One of my spirit animals. Condor, Eagle, Hawk, whichever….
The water sounds amazing right now …these keys feel like life. Like I was always meant to be right here writing just in this very moment. I know it in my bones, and I don’t need to know anything else….
I was listening to Orpheus by Sara B. I don’t write out her last name because I never know how to spell it. Which is funny for me.
I made the Little Prince homemade teriyaki chicken yesterday. I worked at perfecting the tenderness and glaze, and not burning the teriyaki sauce. Not an easy feat. Or overcooking the chicken. Yep….
I took it to Trader Joes for him and as usual so saw many blasts from my pasts including the world where I lived within one of my first family systems that got me through that period of my life. Both emotionally and financially.
Acts of love and homemade food have been a chapter of the past six years.
The aftermath of a dark night of the soul… finding light and joy and awe and my authentic self buried alive under all those layers of grief and loss.
Heartland by Sara Bareilles – I am a woman, I am a gift, I stand on the edge of promise so you know where it is.
Sidebar- when I die please spread my ashes at woodmont and make me a bench that says Christina Jenkins – “she wrote herself back to life over and over….. know she’s still writing somewhere now….” that’s still a work in progress.
My bucket list for the weekend is going pretty well.
Watch an 80’s movie. I saw a clip the other day from Point Break I think it’s called with Swayze and Keanu, the surfing movie. Gonna watch that I think, and take a bath. Sunday dinner. So yeah lots to do.
Twin A is in grad school …. how ! She runs circles around me. She also recently participated in a jiu jitsu tournament, placed and stood on the risers and everything.
Twin B is conquering semester two at Uconn. Learning. Trying new things, participating in organizations with meaning, researching studying abroad not semester Lisbon is first choice. She loves travel and family time. Recently marvel and Grey’s Anatomy are things we have shared joy in. Killer kiddo!
As Melissa would say: I’m helping my children ease into adulthood. Something I did not do/ have.
A lot of very full circle things right now…
I am noticing we live in rotations/ seasons. Everything comes back around for the lesson until it’s “completed” whatever that means. I still don’t know much asbout that 😉 Above my paygrade.
As I face down granny sports bras and belly fat, menopause looms. I take inventory of the beauty in my life and I am in awe. That’s mostly what I can say right now.
The kids are all right and so am I…
I’m figuring it all out. Actually I’m doing less of figuring it all out, and it was good 😉
Surrendering is more accurate actually, but don’t worry not losing any grit. I find both can exist.
“Now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” East of Eden
I’m writing this on my Hemingwrite device. I have written aprox 150 k words on it, which is crazy. It’s finally flowing and it will never stop again.
Well for now I’m going to pack up and go spend some time with the dogs, watch my dose of nostaglia and see what is to be to be learnt from it and take my bath. I don’t even think I’ve taken one in a year or so, if I at all. Maybe one. I don’t do that much anymore, but I recall how for a long while it felt like the only place I could get any access to myself…
All my love,
C