“We have one spark of madness we mustn’t lose it” when it comes to this I’m not worried about scarcity. I’m a light show.
Good morning,
I was blessed with an opening this morning to go to my water spot.
Today I wandered back through memories of the first time I saw the water as I walked towards it. I didn’t know it was there. I just took a right on Belmont street.
A discovery. Magic.
A young mother completely overwhelmed. I military wife in a culture that didn’t really fit. As soon as I saw the water everything was fine. It was just me …. I could put all the anxiety, the tasks, the issues, my past… down. I could be still and know ….
Or maybe just the still part lol
I envision the rest of my life coming to this spot. Reading, writing, walking, talking, eating… Just being here.
I love this place. And this love is as legitimate as any other.
I truly blissed out on my walk today. Doing some research about how to include some strength and core and build that into my exercise really slowly.
And for this all or nothing wiring that’s a lot.
Today I’m thinking about Terry Real and his relational life method. How to receive influence in a smooth way with your partner, rather than power struggles and tension. I’m thinking about relational love versus transactional. I do for you, now it’s my turn.
I’m thinking about resentment.. and it’s many forms and expressions and mostly its repression.
I’m thinking about how tender trying for love is for a human being. I’m thinking about how much I still need to learn about being loving and seeing myself / knowing I am lovable. Does that have an e in it or no? Not sure. That’s ok.
Easing my complicated thoughts into their respective beds and allowing deep rest.
Hey guys you’ve done enough, we have “figured it all out” so many times, that now we just go blank so often and can’t even gather a thought when we want to.
I think it’s time for some R & R. Gentle living and loving.
That’s what I’m thinking about today. I’m writing this from my Hemingwrite Freewrite at Woodmont Beach.
I notice it’s easier to want to be out in the world now. A little at a time allowing discernment and my preferences to exist, and not to override them to please someone else.
I have a great client line up today. I work until 6:30, which is not preferrable but for right now I still have a couple late evening stragglers because “oh my God I am loyal” …
Music is one of my great loves, it accompanies me in so much of my journey. I still want to take dance lessons, privately at first so I can build up confidence. Improve in my ability to move my body in that way and not become overstimulated or perfectionistic. An important tool in the healing arsenal.
I would (could) learn guitar and piano and continue to write poetry, songs, and anything else that arises spontaneously from desire.
And of course I’m thinking about that too…
Turn me off Turn me on round and round we go Questions of what’s beyond the power of my mind how to have faith and in what and even more practices that develop the muscle
Oh hey Macy Gray and Sara B… my world crumbles when you are not there… la la la
I haven’t done a blog post in forever (not even being too dramatic). Here I am in my spot by the water, I just looked at the end of the rocky jetty and one single gull stares at me from the end. It feels like it could rain, but also like it’ll hold off so I don’t have to immediately run for cover as soon as I get started. Perhaps the U knows I’ve done that enough. Maybe it’s time to not be disrupted.
I miss this. I am writing plenty so it’s not the same as gulps of oxygen between lots of turning blue. This is different.
I wonder if someday I’ll have a house facing the water at Woodmont. I don’t need one. I can just come here. But I just simply allow myself to wonder.
Wander.
When one of my songs ended I took off my headphones and wanted to just listen to the water lap against the rocks. Unfortunately two other patrons are speaking loudly about crushing lantern flies and it’s yucking on my yum at the moment. Not sure who origincally coined that term. I think an OG I know better is crap on my cornflakes lol. I’ve been very nostalgic lately. Truly craving mellow yellow kitchen appliances and phone cords. A world where everyone isn’t illuminated by the glow of a screen. Bike riding, roller skating, dollar movies, and hanging out.
If I’ve learned anything as of late it’s that I can only control myself LOL.
Speaking of that six months in CODA as of this weekend. It truly and really has transformed my journey in ways other forms of healing and spirituality hadn’t touched yet. For this I am grateful.
I’m grateful for most these things days. I want to be a better person. I’m not a bad one. I just want a lifestyle that focuses a lot on growth. That’s been a constant. I think a lot lately about what constants are authentically me.
It’s been three months without Henri….
16 years with and three months without. In my line of work we call that adjustment…it’s diagnosable and sometimes requires a cpt code.
A little humor never hurt anyone. leraning to laugh has been a big part of my work lately. I should say returning to laughter, which is part of my birthright and I was only blocked from not having to learn it from zero.
Four large birds circling over the water. One of my spirit animals. Condor, Eagle, Hawk, whichever….
The water sounds amazing right now …these keys feel like life. Like I was always meant to be right here writing just in this very moment. I know it in my bones, and I don’t need to know anything else….
I was listening to Orpheus by Sara B. I don’t write out her last name because I never know how to spell it. Which is funny for me.
I made the Little Prince homemade teriyaki chicken yesterday. I worked at perfecting the tenderness and glaze, and not burning the teriyaki sauce. Not an easy feat. Or overcooking the chicken. Yep….
I took it to Trader Joes for him and as usual so saw many blasts from my pasts including the world where I lived within one of my first family systems that got me through that period of my life. Both emotionally and financially.
Acts of love and homemade food have been a chapter of the past six years.
The aftermath of a dark night of the soul… finding light and joy and awe and my authentic self buried alive under all those layers of grief and loss.
Heartland by Sara Bareilles – I am a woman, I am a gift, I stand on the edge of promise so you know where it is.
Sidebar- when I die please spread my ashes at woodmont and make me a bench that says Christina Jenkins – “she wrote herself back to life over and over….. know she’s still writing somewhere now….” that’s still a work in progress.
My bucket list for the weekend is going pretty well.
Watch an 80’s movie. I saw a clip the other day from Point Break I think it’s called with Swayze and Keanu, the surfing movie. Gonna watch that I think, and take a bath. Sunday dinner. So yeah lots to do.
Twin A is in grad school …. how ! She runs circles around me. She also recently participated in a jiu jitsu tournament, placed and stood on the risers and everything.
Twin B is conquering semester two at Uconn. Learning. Trying new things, participating in organizations with meaning, researching studying abroad not semester Lisbon is first choice. She loves travel and family time. Recently marvel and Grey’s Anatomy are things we have shared joy in. Killer kiddo!
As Melissa would say: I’m helping my children ease into adulthood. Something I did not do/ have.
A lot of very full circle things right now…
I am noticing we live in rotations/ seasons. Everything comes back around for the lesson until it’s “completed” whatever that means. I still don’t know much asbout that 😉 Above my paygrade.
As I face down granny sports bras and belly fat, menopause looms. I take inventory of the beauty in my life and I am in awe. That’s mostly what I can say right now.
The kids are all right and so am I…
I’m figuring it all out. Actually I’m doing less of figuring it all out, and it was good 😉
Surrendering is more accurate actually, but don’t worry not losing any grit. I find both can exist.
“Now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” East of Eden
I’m writing this on my Hemingwrite device. I have written aprox 150 k words on it, which is crazy. It’s finally flowing and it will never stop again.
Well for now I’m going to pack up and go spend some time with the dogs, watch my dose of nostaglia and see what is to be to be learnt from it and take my bath. I don’t even think I’ve taken one in a year or so, if I at all. Maybe one. I don’t do that much anymore, but I recall how for a long while it felt like the only place I could get any access to myself…
Coffee is a gateway drug to pastries and confections of many varieties.
I have always had a sweet tooth.
And I’m still thinking about the cinnamon scone from Ru Julia yesterday. How not dry it was, how tasty.
It’s a sacred Sunday.
I had a very busy week so this weekend and especially the today of it, is purely for leisurely pursuits. Sigh.
I’m reading Bury our Bones in the Midnight Soil by VE Schwab. Finally getting with the times and getting around to a book when it actually comes out.
I began today with How We Live is How We Die by Pema Chodron. Lovely resonance there.
One of my oldest and dearest friends and I met up for dinner before attending Julie Montinieri’s summer solstice gathering sound bath etc. The whole thing was great!
Last week a concert with my beautiful girls !
And yesterday our lobster roll tradition and shops in Madison.
There are moments when I have pure art swirling through my mind, and those seem to be only when the space to write is not very accessible, for one reason or another.
It’s just beyond the five year mark of my dark night of the soul. When I became, again, so I utterly lost I barely recognized myself….
But then beautiful work emerged from it…
Which is the point.
I couldn’t see it then, only darkness.
Now little by little I am dedicated to become light. A light worker. My powers grow. Intuitions becoming honed. Doubts stripped down to their naked vulnerability, where there’s nothing left to hide.
I recall such a primal connection as that. I hold on tight to the truth of the existence of such things, even now amidst the more mundane, which too has its purpose.
The circle becoming full. My soul re-emerging whole.
I recently finished the ACOTAR series and found myself presently surprised at the enjoyment within, and actually deep wisdom about war and bonds, and human hearts.
A rekindled love for fantasy.
A piece of my forgotten self.
Yesterday when we arrived home in the driveway, twin B stayed in the car a bit longer because she liked the song on the radio. That’s my kind of girl. It gave me inspiration for a writing piece on ode to the girl who lingers in the car for a really good song.
I told her so… and that maybe I would write it.
Maybe I will ….
The tensions inside of me and those around me are so much more settled as of late. Enjoyment and development occurs at a more frequent rate.
I am surrendered to the full reality at any given moment. To the present as all we have.
Dare I say relaxing even.
I am more understanding to and of myself and others these days.
This video was a morning listen. As well as Lisa Romano and still Dr. Ramani for company these days rather than a desperately driven seeking.
I don’t miss the desperation.
I crave only peace and a deep knowing that continuously blossoms deep inside my chest.
Back to my book for now …..
All my love,
C
Ps : I’ll be visiting Washington state soon! The Jenkins for the first time in 12 or so years at least and meeting my father’s sister for the first time. What an adventure that will be!
PPS twin B is supergirl for comicon and she couldn’t be any cuter !
Something has changed within me Something is not the same
Hello dear readers, I wish to be intimate with you today ….. I miss this (writing), this you, so much in its absence.
Sometimes the silent spaces in between are the most important, and you don’t see until much later.
Life is a great mystery and if you’re brave, a great story of your own making unfolds.
As it turns out when you’re not reacting to life all the time there’s a lot less to say.
That’s the quiet that’s been deeply reverberating right now.
These lines have been sitting here awhile. I keep missing the boat on waves of inspiration that hit. But this is ok because I no longer feel a sense of panicky desperation.
I’ve been learning a lot about what love is and about what it isn’t. A researcher of love above all things.
What makes it safe and trustworthy?
I do. By being responsible for cultivating that in myself.
I’ve been navigating the letting go process of deep bottom of the heart, grief, for the last four years. For my whole life really, but this new awareness has the last four years more standing out.
You don’t get high on it, but you don’t crash either. A new kind of magic unfolds.
There’s a trust in the unfolding now. A deep breath and a sigh. A meandering walk among the halls of my heart, lined with many many shelves, and many stories.
I walk among them.
Deep wisdom settles under my skin, and I can draw from it as needed. Not running from myself, chasing someone else.
In this stillness the universe whispers and we become fast friends.
I am watching myself step into my gifts and twirl around in the mirror admiring them without self recrimination or admonishment.
The way my body reacts I had understood as anxiety, and it sent me into a panic. What that really was, is the depth in which I’m able to feel things.
It’s what empathy feels like in the body. The most powerful force on earth. Misunderstood I thought my body was trying to sabotage me. Not have a simple conversation and guide me.
Who knew ?!
So much opens up now.
Everything becomes a possibility. Everything always was, but now it’s known and felt.
I have long loved Wicked. We saw the movie the other day and I thought I might crack right open with feelings that movie evoked. As someone who saw herself as wicked for being the truth teller, and reacting to the many mistreatments.
As someone who has worried she was bad in some way.
During the dance scene at the oz dust ball I about cracked in half with emotion. Shaking with it. It was the first time I recognized my anxiety as “powers”. It clicked.
Suddenly I can see all the love around me I’ve created.
As the patriarchy falls and a new revolution takes place.
How love is the furthest thing from control. How control suffocates love out of the equation.
Years and years of attempting to control myself through manipulation and will, as a means of surviving those who would have tried to control me.
Fewer things do I love more than the smell of walking into Barnes and Nobles and hot coffee or cocoa….. sigh
This phrase has been on my mind so much lately. As someone who tried to turn everything into a lifetime because the original blueprint left something to be desired for. How to know what plugs into where. Square peg and a round hole is a particular speciality of mine. Cafe name ?! Maybe !
Apparently you’re supposed to use your emotions to figure these things out. Who knew those weren’t secondary or even unnecessary dead weight. Even someone who can feel them at a level that is super sonic.
Today I dreamed of owning an indie book shop with a running title Sips and Sentences. Coffee of course. Maybe sandwiches named after various literary characters. But maybe just coffee. Definitely dessert. My motto lately: keep it simple sweetie. Or kiss. I talk to myself real gentle and sweet for the most at part these days.
I’m listening to music and walking in the dreary twilight under a slight drizzle. That we will call ambience.
Lake Missoula by Richie and the something is what my Spotify Dj has picked for me. I have Linda R Long Long Time stuck in my head.
These days so many good sentences, strong ones, sprout from the dirt of my mind. And yet somehow the will to commit them isn’t quite where I want it.
Some life force piece missing. For a know it all type I’m pretty blank on this one.
Walks feed my soul.
Sunday dinners too.
I finished Book Lovers today by Emily Henry. My third romance novel this year. Whoa! Something’s happening. Towards authenticity or away?! Hmmm.
My 20th book this year, 2 behind my 30 goal. My queue (I can never spell this word), is burgeoning bursting at the seams. Life’s too short for all I want to read. But I will write a great American Novel. Someone will probably just have to organize it for me.
I’m a little over self help (a total lie), or maybe I just know I’m more full and g shit than I’d like to be. Like most of us I suppose. I think that’s really a beginning. When you end up back at start over and over to get a layer deeper into life. I should be at the center of the earth by now.
And enlightened soul would probably laugh at how much of a beginner I still am.
That’s ok…..
I truly enjoyed it (the book) A lot to relate to actually. Color me surprised.
I like when life surprises me. Sometimes anyway. Ok universe don’t get too carried away with that one. I know what you’re capable of.
Caramel conversations and Apple kisses. It’s about to be fall and I’m feeling it all as usual. My colors are changing too. My leaves about to drop. Naked and shaking again. Visceral, literal, liberal love, haunted pages.
Light and dark fights for the stage. Desires in my sights. Old and young all at once.
When I put words to a melody magic happens.
Each song brings something else forth.
Unlock me. Unravel. Time is a lie. Only energy matters.
How can you be frozen and flowing all at once.
Today I was thinking about getting coffee and I knew there was a Dunkin’ at a particular stretch near Oxford. And that the Derby Starbucks has closed. I immediately knew Dunkin was not going to be where it’s at.
And I wondered at what moment I became a full fledged Starbucks girl. Like where I’d never look back.
I realized we never know when these moments will be sometimes until years later.
I chose nostalgia of a different kind and went to Safari Kaffeine. Too sweet. Not how I remembered. Not the taste I was going for.
I’m becoming and unlocking and blooming and blossoming. Particularly as a writer. Yet there are still glaciers inside me.
Which is fine because one just can’t go melting all over the place can they?!
I’m no drip….
Anyway that’s it for my evening musings…. Walks over.
There is a wishing booth in Chester! How adorable is this ?! This town is ridiculously cute!
So I’m driving to Chester Connecticut to attend the grand opening of Montgomery and Taggert, a romance bookstore, opened by two friends who shared a dream, and a love of romance.
I am listening to Lisa Tadeo’s Three Women, preceding watching the show. My goodness I love Shailene Woodley girl next door, but also bad ass! Florence Pugh is also on my radar of late. Reminds me of my childhood best friend, and probably crush although I didn’t realize it at the time.
I am writing this through voice memo, so I will clearly have to edit before posting something much more apt to do these days, than in the past.
The house was a flutter this morning with daughters and boyfriend. Although I am an “empty nester”, I have a very full life, and the birds are often still flocking home on the weekends.
I enjoy the flutter around me, as long as it’s at a measurable volume of course, and I have the option to enter into a quiet space or state at any time.
Wow, I just saw a whole group of bikers and several of them doing wheelies on the opposite side of the highway in oncoming traffic.
I just heard a line in the three women book that I really loved: The hurt doesn’t disappear it changes, it turns the manageable color of a bruise.
Recently in therapy, me being an introvert is being explored. I never would have fancied myself one, and if you had met me when I was younger or seen me in certain situations, you would not think so. But as a matter of fact, I am completely utterly refueled in my alone time.
According to my therapist, this is because I am unable to shut off my natural level of empathy, which pulls me to be considering the emotions, feelings, actions, behaviors, and what have you’s of anyone else within a 10 mile radius.
I am grateful for drives. They seem to be the place other than the shower, where my thoughts can float most clearly to the surface to be communed with.
I was helping twin A find her birth certificate this morning. Little by little my children’s important paperwork dwindles from my folder, and transfers to them. A very tangible piece of evidence of how quickly life is moving.
She was telling me about how she and her boyfriend are preparing to celebrate their fifth anniversary. I asked her if he is her lobster, and jokingly will have to put up with him forever lol. She is hopeful, of course.
And I have definitely learned that the length of a relationship is not nearly as much of a testament of the health of it, as society would celebrate or have us believe. I have allowed that to gaslight me in multiple ways over the years.
I much appreciate Margaret Mead’s quote about having three marriages, and all of them were successful.
I received Matthew Hussey’s Love Life book in the mail two days ago. I am already halfway through it. Lots of great advice whether you are in or out of a relationship at this time. His central thesis is to have the hard conversations versus avoiding them. Now that is something I can really get behind.
It does however fall into the easier said than done category.
So many times I open my blog to make a post because such a startlingly perfect epiphany came to mind. And by the time I open, it like a rare butterfly, it has already passed. I don’t let this stop me from writing any longer. I figure if I go on long enough, it may come back and alight on my shoulder.
You see now that I just named it (the block/ the blank).It came right back. I was going to talk about the ache.
Write to the block. Lean into the ache. Die to the page.
The Ache
And then the energy of that hits and everything just stands still, and I feel heavy like lead.
This is when you have to decide to keep going into it, speak it, explore it or whether you compartmentalize and move about your day.
I am fairly skilled in these options. But it is less easy to decide which one to choose.
This is all I’m going to write for now. I got pretty much the central theme out and I’m going to listen to my audiobook for 27 more minutes until I land in Chester Connecticut. Somewhere I have never been before, a date with myself on the brink of fall in New England.
How lucky am I?
Edit: this is now nighttime and I am home. One hundred pages deep into Book Lovers by Emily Henry. There is no shame in my love of romance. I am happy that was able to be rekindled recently.
Here I am alone between the heaven and the embers ….
Just walking and writing this morning. A new favorite is Matthew Hussey. A video by him Matthew Hussey
Also reading Marcela Lobos about awakening our true purpose and her story.
After one client and my own therapy tomorrow morning I am going to Kripalu. I love it there. And to see my dear Elizabeth Gilbert.
The drive is probably my most favorite part of the trip. I can just waft through any thought that has the tenacity to arise. There’s just something about the open road.
Last time I saw Marcela Lobos and Alberto Villodo, shamans. 💜
Last night I saw and early showing of Beetlejuice. I had fun! That’s fun for me. This couple was there and they were dressed up and I think that’s so fun. Camaraderie. The movie was a little dumb at first but did not disappoint in its wild depictions of the afterlife and with original cast members. Catherine O’Hara also never disappoints ha.
It’s a new era. My kids sort of out of the house, sort of in. Always home base but each exploring their edges and identities.
I am reflective of a time when I was so stressed all the time something would go terribly wrong. And at times it does, but no more than in a “normal” human life.
I’ve made significant changes over the past year again. Again and again. I imagine I often will. But this time at the same time I’m putting down deep roots of confidence and steadiness. I’m so damn proud of me.
So much less all or nothing. And what’s left is maybe there for a reason I’m not yet clear on or privy to. Who am I to argue with a force like destiny or soul contracts.
That didn’t stop me before ha. My spice derived from the pain of not being heard or seen. Argued everything. So happy to not live like that anymore.
What’s next if there is a next : I don’t know. I don’t need to. Is this faith? That has taken shape when I didn’t even realize what I was building with all my thoughtfully placed yes’s and no’s.
Not too precious to make edits.
All my love,
C
Ps a short one for now, a shower and admin calls. Hope to write more this weekend. The little prince turns 23 on the 17th. Love that kid! Heart for days on that one. The world needs his heart and yours. Don’t forget it! 💜
I want to play all day amongst the shelves of Barnes and Noble.
Finally I can breathe again (when I write). I’m on Belmont. Home. Starbucks in hand. Grande hot caramel macchiato half sweet and upside down. Swoon. This is a treat now. In the morning before 11:30 it is I’ll take it black please. Most recently I see their green apron blend and want to try it. It’s on my ever expanding list.
Therapy with Melissa yesterday was so so good. One of the best sessions yet. Funny how relationships build in this way, who knew. Melissa gives me back to myself each week. I feel seen. It’s the most healing thing, and it inspires me as a clinician to work in such a way to provide that to my clients.
To not fear emotions or my capability and just keep doing what I do in the way I do it. Being magic brings magic. Like attracts like.
That was one part of the session. Talking about a central theme of how to know what is real. When the mind, especially a traumatized one, can be such a skeptic. And she explained energy to me in a way that makes so much sense, and that I know in my cells I believe. Hmmm.
When you have more than you ever thought you would sometimes it’s so overwhelming, the emotions of that, that it’s like it doesn’t exist at all. Like if I feel it I’ll just explode. Like maybe there’s a wrinkle in time, and if someone finds out I’ll return to the life that seemed destined for me.
Something else she said is that the mystery is why some people have an innate will / spirit / something that makes them make their lives so much different than they “should be” by their metrics.
I want to leave my children a legacy of safety, and freedom. To change our stars. I want to leave them with abundance and security, and I won’t stop until that is accomplished.
But I also wouldn’t drive myself into an early grave to do it. So writing the blue prints is filled with the necessity of balance.
While I’m writing this I’m digging Anywhere Away from here, Rag n Bone man and Pink. It has the right combination of piano and raspy vocals that set my spirit soaring. I could cry right now. I might.
I don’t think I told you that I feel out of place….
Will I come sit out on the beach today?! Probably not, but it will be one of my go to’s.
I was a fragrant chef this morning. Trying this and that. I am soaking in the last weeks of my daughters being at home. Oh yeah there are the tears sigh. Who knew I could have just cleaned all day and not thought. I’m recognizing left unchecked I’d have some serious OCD. The way my other letters ADHD contribute to hyper focus or none at all. Sigh.
I also talked in therapy yesterday about my relationship to food. No one taught me Melissa said. I don’t think about that or like that, I just move forward. Which is why it’s easier for me to cook with no one watching or present so I don’t get overwhelmed.
Then I find my flow and I’m singing and dancing and creating and all is right with the world.
I cook things patched together (like the quilt my life truly is) from past lives with people, friends, lovers, families. A mixture of creole, Spanish, Italian, a blend. I’m still trying to perfect red rice and beans, sweet plátano etc, as a white girl the odds are against me. But I am determined and my life has given me enough spice to persevere.
I got my haircut last night. Took an hour and a half. But my barber was teaching. And the cut is perfection. It’s taken years to realize which cut for which season. Went shorter this time because it’s HOT!
Speaking of hot. I have a black car with leather seats now. A Jetta R line. I can’t believe I don’t have a Honda. I love it though. Just need window tints eventually and I’ll be happy as a clam.
The great car buying crisis year of 2024 is one for the books.
Driving here today I saw a dragon fly that seemed to hang with my car for a long while. Hi team. My ancestors, my loved ones, the universe.
I saw 30 people this past week and have 32 scheduled this next one. I’m jamming. My work deepens. People weave in and out, stretch their wings, and then return. My client family.
I’m on the 4th book in the Dune series, getting out of it a little, and need to get the umph to finish. I hope to finish it this weekend along with Normal People that I’m listening to on audible.
On the day to day there’s been a lot of Groundhog Day lately. Chop wood carry water. And it’s becoming so satisfying, the simple tasks. I was always a simple things girl with a complicated mind.
I do more outside and in the world than I used to and have much less anxiety. I can’t remember the last time I took a Xanax now it just makes me feel icky. I don’t like it.
I over think much less, my mind no longer being a prison. There are less and less spaces and relationships in my life I feel emotionally trapped in.
I only allow full authenticity without discounting a single drop as far as what each has meant to my life. I am fiercely protective of myself, without needing to be fierce at all anymore.
Love is the answer….. the love of life itself.
I love the smell of Barnes and Noble and could literally move in there, and coffee shops nearly equally. Recently I read my poetry in front of a small audience in Fayetteville. Due to the belief of someone very special in me, who ever pushes me to be the best version of myself. I still can’t believe that. I was shaking so much!
I just looked up to see a couple walking in their bathing suits. I notice in the rear view some silver grey hairs catching the sunlight and glinting in it. I have more than I’ve had, and yet I’m younger in so many ways these days.
Able to play
I still carry my grief and my scars. It just isn’t so heavy anymore. I still look for some people and things in everything I do. My attachment system is something to be reckoned with. But I can no longer keep stories of things that never existed but were only dreamt.
It’s not fair to me and to my life and to my work.
I don’t have to say goodbye because it all lives inside of me. Every page of my story I am keeping. I don’t need to burn them. I love the whole thing.
Amor Fati
And this is what’s going on with me…..
Now if this can please open the doorway to more consistent blogging. I need to be writing. I was offered love from the universe and a spot in Victoria Erickson’s autumn immersion.
I had the house to myself for a bit which was so strange. A foreshadowing perhaps. And tried to watch Remember Me with Robert Pattinson. It’s going on four days to finish. Ha. I will also finish that tonight I think.
This day is slipping away from me more and more. Once I go home and read a little, it’ll be time to get Sunday stuffs for twin A’s homemade caramel sauce, and a few groceries for the week. And before I know it bedtime….
Always Remember Us This way will serenade me on my drive home.
Happy Saturday everyone
Ps a line from Dune before parting: “and it’s the survivors who maintain the most light and poignant hold upon the beauties of living.”
“And you’ve come from a good place with a happy family, the only bad thing you’ve ever done was to see the good in me. Find someone who plants flowers in the darkest parts of you.”ZB
As I sit here this morning, in my favorite window of me time in the morning. I am reveling in the notion that if you travel deeply, you keep returning to the same things again and again.
For example this morning I’m reading Anita Mooriani’s Sensitive is the new strong. It was around 2013, while working amidst the produce at Trader Joe’s in the wee hours of the morning I was listening to Dying to Be Me. It was with the first generation of Apple headphones and the iPhone with the button in the center, or earlier if I recall.
I resonated deeply with that book, though it was very hard to believe at the time, and my mind still tends towards skepticism, even as I am a believer.
I also listened to Paulo Coehlo books then, the Valkries, the Pilgrimage, etc.
A line: “you can’t unknow what you know” stands out to me, about any experience we have really.
I sit and think why didn’t I stand up for myself in so many ways, for so many things?!
When someone is actually telling you the truth to you, without being direct. I think of all I would have said. But I don’t think long on it now because there’s life to be lived and joy to be had, and of course because this is me, work to be done.
So I’m revisiting my birthright of sensitivity and the many resources needed to keep me in a good place with it. Very helpful. Also the highly sensitive person in love, by Dr Elaine Aron.
My traumatized mind grasping always to control its external environment, when the internal is so disorganized. Now I do the opposite.
I am building a home inside myself. A palace really.
Yesterday was the culmination of watching This is Us. It’s my new favorite written show. So much in there that makes you think, triggers and epiphanies alike. Of course because it’s tv if you let it, it could make you feel terrible about your life. All those warm and wise conversations about the important things between parents and children. I’m not naive to the knowledge without a written script many of us didn’t get that, or dole it out.
But it’s never too late to start.
Knowing who you want to be is as necessary as knowing who you are. I enjoy the journey of both. I am enjoying them.
I’m a UConn Husky Mom now! That’s exciting! I move a child into college for time number two in August. One more birdy out of the nest, and another migrating home for a few months before her next venture.
I will blink and the kids will have their own nests and flock home less, but still hopefully often. I have a wide open array of possibilities in life, still, always. I’m hopeful to rise to that occasion, even if that means allowing myself to sit and read a novel in an afternoon, without feeling I’ve missed a thing.
I don’t need to be in a hurry to capture everything. I just took a deep satisfying breath.
My window of time with the morning is closing soon. Everyone is buzzing about the eclipse. It’ll be time to walk the dogs, give Henri her medicine, carry her up and down the stairs, feed them. Take a walk and a shower. The shower is such a great part. All the thoughts gently cascading, all the recharge from the water….
And then to enter the day.
Taking twin A for blood work for her first time. She’s nervous. I know what that feels like, and usually I’m the last to say you’ll be fine, and to be reassuring. I’m more likely to be awkward and say something scary. My mind can be a delightful playground of deeply imprinted survival mechanics.
I’m just trying to take off the suit.
This is an homage to a dear friend. His is much cuter than mine of course. Mine is probably more like a Spartan, he the Pink Ranger.
Another day trying to connect with the humans and not be too sensitive to saying the wrong thing, as I often do in my real life, contrasted by often having exactly what someone needs in my professional one.
As I heal and create new comfort zones outside the walls of my original ones. As I build. I look forward to bridging those gaps. Filling the bullet holes inside myself with new skin, bone, flesh, and blood.
Less a project and more, perfection from birth that I wasn’t able to see.
With new mirrors and lenses I invite the day.
Hello world give me what you have for me, and I vow to show up with integrity, honor, and to be of service.
