“You are all in Christina” ALL IN….

The death of comfort so something else can grow ……

This was a statement. I was just thinking about in the car, listening to song for Zula by Phosphorescent. So often while I’m driving in the car some of my most profound writings come to me.

“You’re all in”

This is what my therapist said about me as a therapist.

She had shared with me hadn’t I noticed that she had sent me referrals? I had not.  I had assumed based on some of the things I was struggling with that she would not find me fit or healthy of such a thing, because I did not find me fit or healthy of such a thing. 

I can be incredibly hard on myself disastrously so in fact.

I’m all in …..

This statement is true ….. 

I am loyal 

Also true 

And yet none of this makes me immune to the complexities of life and love. In that way, I am just like all the other human beings in the program. 

As they say, human school is hard. It’s the most advanced program. 

You blamed our relationship. And I blamed you for our intimacy struggles and you blamed me for not booking a vacation and with all that blame all we did was circle the drain, and dismantle a perfectly beautiful life that was being built right before it could get good.

Sabotage that’s what co dependent’s do….

My friend in Coda says that her mom said to her the first 10 years of a relationship are the hardest. I don’t know about you, but I don’t wanna spend another 10 in negotiation trying to sell myself with PowerPoint and presentations.

So I can only open myself, bit by bit by being vulnerable and intimate as a lifestyle. No anesthesia.

Argue protesting, yell, after the fact

Easy, easy, easy the word haunts me and haunts me.

Whoever told you it was supposed to be.

I’d like to get a hold of them

You know for a quick conversation

The ability to have difficult conversations is directly proportional to how much satisfaction in life you’ll be able to have.

Easy, easy easy

I guess the thing about me is my life set me up to never expect it to be

Maybe that was a gift all along

And Ingrid Michaelson sings all I can do is keep breathing. All I can do is keep breathing.

I’m so angry

I’m so free

I’m so fucking tired of the word easy

My friend sends me a picture from Lyon 

Home of the Little Prince

How is it possible we could each have such ties to that story, and yet be doing so little about living it.

Don’t you understand it is the meaning in the last six years of building that is everything? 

That only you and I together are the holder of those memories. Have you really reconstructed reality so naïvely as to have

Torn all of that into tiny little shreds

Like the notes you left me everywhere

to have collapsed the narrative into something so simple 

A painting, the roses red

Eat me 

Drink me

Expand me

And shrink me

We are down the rabbit hole, Alice

Laying naked in a bed is as far as you were willing to go as a signal

Make sex happen for me

I wanted an encounter

Genuine intimacy

Ask me a question that opens me; rather than going down a list of events of the day…

Tell me a story about something that makes you feel anything other than the mundane and dreary details of the list….

The most naked I have ever been with another person has been standing in the street, inches and miles apart all at once, hands on their belly, outside a therapist’s office. 

The belly is where life originates from… where our serotonin is stored, where we process and digest all that is….

The most intimate I have ever been with another person is inside a therapist office with all of my children, all of my dark, and us

And I can get on an airplane and I can take a trip, I can go to a concert, those memories of intimacy, they haunt me. They make me want more, to be more, to be someone better than I was yesterday.

You said I make you a better person

Then why leave?

Everything will change nothing stays the same, nobody is perfect …. But everyone’s to blame…. In my veins 

Encounter me 

Stay 

I’m ready for the novocaine

I won’t even feel the needle  

(I did I did…. Ahhhhh the worst) ouch