Oh hi! It’s 12:25. I have about an hour and a little change until leaving for Julie’s for meditation. I am happy it’s earlier. I will have dinner with Courtney D. after. Doesn’t have to be anything nice. Something easy perhaps. I just gave the bulldog a spa day, complete with teeth brushing, paw butter, ear cleaning. The works. He’s handsome. He’s a little chilly now. I don’t even know if I have the energy to shower or look nice to go to dinner. I will probably just have to show up exactly as I am.
I’ve had a blog post rattling around my brain for awhile today about intimacy, and the most intimate I have ever been is showing all my pain parts next to someone else in a counselor’s office. A few scenes come to mind, that are staggering in their clarity and emotions they bring.
I have had a lot of sex. A lot of different kinds of it. Some that left me stuck inside some of the deepest agonies I have ever known. I have been in a relationship with longing for as long as I can remember, after one thing or another.
So what I am most interested in at this stage of my life is peace and a life that feels authentic and aligned for me.
Which absolutely includes continuing to invest in relationships with my adult kids that feel fulfilling and good for them. That is a priority for me, and I take my cues from them, as this is “their time”. A little Goonies reference there 😉
I speak in song lyrics and movie lines very often. I guess you could call that a quirk.
Bodhi is sitting next to me all wrapped up in a blankie like a burrito so he doesn’t catch a cold. He’s snorting away as he digs and spins to try and get comfortable. I get it buddy.
Twin B came home from Uconn yesterday and we caught up on Grey’s. We are on season 16, ep something. 10 I think. About to find out if the baby is Owen’s or Link’s. Owen has come a long way from his love with Christina. And homeboy is having kids out the ears now. So he seems to be doing ok as far as his dreams. And he gets a lot of flack for how unreliable in love he has been the past few years. Then he had that really good trauma therapy that got straight to the root. And he became very clear on what he wanted. I love that for Owen. He deserves to heal from his ptsd, and accept love into his life.
Hmmm…
It is an absolutely smashingly gorgeous fall day. There is a little fire going, because although it’s beautiful it is cold. The fire is a comfort to me. I had my water season. I guess this is my fire season. Burn baby burn. Burn off everything that is not serving or meant for me. And let the new come forth in the spring.
It’s going to be a long winter, but not any longer than any of the other’s in my life. Constant unworthiness being no longer my companion the weather isn’t nearly as much of a concern anymore.
I am heading to Julie’s today for a meditation thingy honoring all the thin veil and all of that. It’ll be nice to see her. I don’t go nearly as often anymore. So it’s extra special when I do. I still try and do it quarterly at least.
I am currently in desperate need of a massage and sourcing around that. Touch is necessary. It grounds and rejuvenates and I need to get all my lympathics moving and draining and move this energy. All the big feels. Nothing new there, except for maybe a steadiness that crept up on me slowly.
Wednesday night is writing meet up at the Firehouse Gallery. First one of every month. I am looking forward to it. As well as the 50 k challenge in November. That starts today. I completed one in May. That was really cool. Something about a competition motivates me I suppose. A metric that I can see myself in. Someday those will matter less, they already do really. It’s just a structure in which to thrive in. Oh what a loaded sentence that is right now.
Crackle goes the fire. Hello little flame.
I have been listening to Shonda Rhimes, a year of yes. It took me a minute to get into her voice and to the good stuff. At first it just felt like a lot about celebrity stuff and was annoying me. But now she’s getting into the good stuff about her relationship with her body, with her kids, with writing.
There was a part about play… and how when her kids ask her to play she says yes all the time now. I had a pang of guilt. How many times did I say no, and felt what I had to do was more important. And it wasn’t. I could spend time marinating in regret of losing out on so much. Or I can focus on the memories I do have and that I’m right here working as best I can to make sure there are plenty more. And that these are so much more filled with abundance….
So today I said yes and it pulled me temporarily out of the pain I am in.
I definitely can work on my stamina when it comes to pickleball though.
Lately the insight of how a relationship begins is how it ends has really been rattling around my brain.
Why wouldn’t Tahoe be a trigger? I recall the first time you were there, how it felt. And the last time, no exception. Why does it feel like having to choose. Why can’t two things be true at the same time?
Because some things affect everything I suppose. I read in an article the other day “the way you do anything is the way you do everything.” Yes!
I have been free a long time… I wouldn’t know how to be any different if I tried. I wouldn’t want to be. You wanted to love me… but you aren’t….
It’s a tragedy.
It’s just us you said to me once, but it never really was was it?
Do you know what the arrival fallacy is? It’s this idea that once you have some thing (out there) or have achieved some thing you’ll be happier. I remember seeing Elizabeth Gilbert for her “All the way to the River” speaking event. She said we human beings are notoriously bad at knowing what will actually make us happy. Often what we think will is so far off from the truth.
I think about that a lot lately.
I want to read that book again as well. My queue grows and grows….
Ok time to shower and head out to “The Wisdom of the Crone: Reclaiming the wise-woman. A meditation and sound healing. And about an hour drive each way.
It will be good for my soul, but right this second I feel like I could sleep for a year.