The mental gymnastics I have to do to keep my heart open would shock you. It takes many forces and lots of therapy and energy healing hours to pry the iron door on that sucker open. I need to be with that, that needs to be ok.
Several weeks of events have culminated into another glacier melting that is after the world is thrown into chaos.
Once it breaks it breaks though. Pain is released and it’s also scary because you know you’ll go forward without that level of being guarded and for a survivor that’s a big ask.
It’s me I’m the problem it’s me….
Except it’s not.
It’s everything passed down to me, inherited, that I had to grapple with.
What I’m beginning to see is what a privilege it is. I mean that now. I’m not preaching it, disconnected from it. It’s a privilege. Because what I’m afforded is post traumatic growth and wisdom to the degree that I’ve been able to build a successful vocation from it.
I am privileged because of my trauma. And I have to hold tight to that reality for all of the times that feels very different. When I’m being sucked under the intense waves of emotions of my grief and pain.
This is the life raft.
I love differently because of my trauma. It’s more, not less. That would be a lie of the mind’s programming.
We don’t love like the humans do, with us it’s forever. From the movie I am number four. And this resonated out of this silly movie because in that moment I recognized something in me, which is what movies and music does right ?! I recognized how loving I am and how deeply I love…
When I am safe, more importantly, when I feel safe.
And what did I say at the beginning of this post about what it takes for me to feel safe ?! Yeah.
I’ve been working on opening my heart, despite all of the events in my life, some out of my control, and some in it, that have left deep chasms of suffering that make me want to close it.
I will cut my self off from any source that is unhealed to the point that, I cannot be safe in their presence, because they cannot.
It’s no one’s fault.
And the worst thing that could be done is to blame because the kind of suffering that leads to a person closing themselves off from love, is soul murder. And unfortunately soul murder likes to persist. The cycle is stubborn.
Guess what!!? I am more stubborn. My stubborn may have been born out of necessity, but I’ll be damned if I don’t honor it for the valiant warrior it is.
My stubborn was hard earned. I don’t think it would have been my natural disposition. I believe it was forged from suffering. It was forced.
Being forced leads to resentment, forcing ourselves leads to resentment. Will is a part of it, but heart has to have a seat at that table and cannot be closed, if you want to understand so you can be understood, and vice versa.
Trauma survivors so often feel misunderstood. That’s my primary trigger. Not being understood.
I work my way through this daily. It’s a daily job, one that I’m determined to view as a privilege and not a burden.
If we get the privilege to feel life altering connections that lead us further into ourselves, know that many don’t. They literally fumble and stumble and many don’t make it out alive.
Their disconnection turns against themselves. Purgatory of their own making, but not their fault. It breaks my heart.
Which is good because as long as it can continue to break without losing it, it can heal.
I am here trying to heal my heart, and my soul. And enjoying being with others who are as committed to that as I am, and yet each in their own way, at their own pace.I
I am here and I am letting go of controlling myself, and gaining control of myself.
I am fierce about protecting my peace, and also open to learning where battles at times become created by my traumatized mind.
I want to be mindful of the power of my choices, and to speak gently with my higher self in making them.
No more abusive relationship with me. That was the ultimate enemy. My trauma and my own mind, but it was never a reason to not trust myself. It happened to me, not because of me.
And I am empowered these days in healing it, and that is also a privilege.