A picture of the front of our first real home together as a family.
It’s been way too long. When I don’t write it feels like I am underwater. When I do it feels like taking that first breath, or that first day you feel better after you have been sick. Everything burns brighter particularly gratitude. I would describe the way I have been lately as present and in a euphoric state of gratitude, while also being plagued by feelings of discomfort that such fast and profound changes elicit. Yeah that pretty much puts it exactly. I love that I am able to do that. It is such a gift. Thank goodness for my gifts. Thank goodness that I am a gift. Who would have ever thought.
If you know me very well you will know that most of my life has been plagued by fears of who I am as a person. Narcissist, selfish, too loud, too much, awkward, not feminine, not pretty, chaotic, poisoned by association of my genetics, too intense, weird, and the worst of these: a bad mother. It took me until about 2013 or so and a very good therapist for me to even entertain the idea I could love my kids in a traditional way (whatever that is), and I remember the times I allowed myself to refer to myself as a good mother. It felt like a foreign language and when the words accidentally spilled out so did a river of tears.
My morning pages has been hard to write lately, and I have worried that this means my relationship with my self is slipping a bit, when I won’t give myself that much time for my thoughts. This new dawn I have decided this is not the case, much like many of the things my brain tries to put a negative spin on. I have been present. This is what it feels like to be present. I am coming out of my shell, which is not a play on introversion, it means I’m coming out of my head, out of my mind palace (dungeon). I am living and breathing like the humans do. I have emerged owning my many titles with fierce love and pride.
Trauma survivor. Not just any trauma a special kind, the kind that is more difficult to notice. So having a strong personality lended itself to me denying those parts in favor of feeling strong and capable. Which was good while it worked, but then turned against me when I couldn’t validate my own experience or understand why such anxiety began to plague me as I began to thaw out. I spent most of my life trying to parent myself into something that I didn’t even have the slightest idea of. Making up the rules as I went because I was an adventurer with creating my self. I didn’t begin with a model, so I looked to everything that seemed like something I wanted to model myself after and got to work. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be so I often worried I was some awful thing. If you could actually see what that struggle was like, witness it….. I wish there was a way that people could see me. I’ve always felt that way, and I guess this is the way, that’s why it feels so important. At the same time I am still plagued by shame in some of my deepest layers. You can know things logically, and they can still be trapped in your body. This is something I want to do work on.
Fabulous and sexy gay woman who is a tomboy and would be caught dead in heels, but really appreciates seeing them on women 😉 Allowing my sexuality to be a beautiful thing has been a lifelong process for me. I may seem so out and proud and strong, but loathing is often internal thorn filled winding vines of darkness penetrating every corner of the self. Allowing my gender expression to be allowed. It is such a shame filled journey. I was always othered in such uncomfortable ways in my “family” of origin. Religion added another layer of wrong, and as I write I don’t know sometimes how I ever stood a chance.
Anyway I have many other titles, mother, counselor, advocate, friend… I could go on… and these days I am embracing and enjoying them all.
See even my writing trails off because I favor presence lately. I get in that beautiful zone or flow and then something moves in my home, and the wave of inspiration just sort of passes. The words seem to either tumble out of me like a waterfall or not at all. I wonder if I will be able to find a steady rhythm and go in and out of it as I please without losing the flow ever? Or if this is just how this works in my writer’s process.
So what’s funny is I actually got on here to update about the many changes that are about to happen in our lives and how I am in such an odd position in them as I change myself. A set of Russian Nesting dolls, except tornadoes instead of dolls. A storm inside a storm inside a storm and rather than being still in the eye like I’ve been most of my life I’m joining the main stream in the storm, connected with others, not watching carefully so I don’t screw up my chances to belong. So my habit is to write deeply introspective even though lately I am not needing it as much, and I view that as a good thing. Rather than shaming it away, or wronging myself for it I am discovering a sense of peace that it will move along on it’s own accord as I am ready. This is where peace comes from.
We are selling our home and buying a new one. This will be an entire post, but for right now this means today I will be painting a front door, helping the kids store their things in bins for the showings, and mopping up their emotions as I go along. Something I didn’t even know I could do. It’s been a little rocky at first. I’m more likely to be just deal with it because that is what I had to do to myself so many years. I have literally re-wired myself to respond warm and compassionately (usually after I realize I haven’t). It is hard to write that. I want to backspace and delete those words because so often my vulnerabilities are turned against me. That is the reality of another struggle I am having in my life. How do you fight back against that without talking poorly of a child’s other parent? I am trying to stand up for myself, and also be compassionate and apply grace. I’m trying to scramble around and take care of everything as always. This historically would get me so tired out and running in circles that I would lash out.
I am attempting to change all of this. To stay in warmth, compassion, grace, confidence, and to truly be the rock of a mother… .wait I’ve always been a rock they are hard and cold. The lighthouse of a mother? The one I have always wanted to have I am trying to be that. That has always been my mission. Dorothy the power was in you all along? For me if this is true it was so deeply deeply buried in who I needed to become to survive all this time. I kept evolving and moving at lightspeed so in this lifetime I can know peace and my children can know the safe arms of a mother who loves them.
I just love differently is the thing. Again differently than what? I love with my whole story included. I wasn’t willing to part and parcel it out anymore in favor of something that looked or felt better at a face value. I needed to love with every part of myself brought along, all the dark and stormy ones too. I had to go back and recover them. It’s more work than that of 10 lifetimes and I’m doing it in one.
So here we are next to a gratitude waterfall that just keeps me standing in awe. I am standing in awe of my life right now, always almost close to tears.
I am safe. I am loved. I am safety. I am loving.
I have worked my way to financial security and approved for more than I ever imagined home wise. I am making good financial decisions, not just ones to comfort myself. I am becoming a calm place rather than the storm. I think I’ve said that line a lot recently. I am at the next upgrade on myself and I’m so afraid to step into that outfit/role because what if I don’t fill the shoes? See what just happened I went to say how amazing it all is and I got scared again. Fear is always all of our constant companions, how we use it is what is important.
Anyway it is time to go back to presence, I am hoping this post just unlocks a little bit of what is going on. Today I will be painting our front door, cleaning light fixtures lovingly by hand, moving furniture, and getting ready to say goodbye to the first solid thing I was able to help get for my kids. Our first real home together that has been ours.
Please keep our family in your thoughts right now and send us healing love. There is so much old energy that is being dragged up. Emotional dust is clogging our nostrils and making us sick. We are all nervous about the many changes and highly charged with nerves. Please help us let these emotions make us stronger and closer versus scratching and biting at one another.
I found her….Â
I am living in a new home inside my head, and physically we are moving into a new home soon. Magic