Burning off co-dependency often feels like burning alive. It would appear that it’s sitting with yourself even as you want to crawl out of your skin with the not doing of it all. Sigh.
I got lost…… a little song to accompany the post.
Admitting addiction is probably one of the hardest things anyone will ever have to do. It means you have to take responsibility for your own destructive patterns. Yucky. I’d much rather craft my representative (as Glennon says) and live like that. It’s much more “fun”, but is it?! Or does it just look better on the surface.
Be still and know.
Glennon and Abby are both addicts. I wonder if their love helps them manage their addiction in a well balanced way? If their shared goals of raising a family helps keeps their destructive energies focused. If their love gives them strength to fight it. About all the things you don’t see. I’m sure it’s not easy. The media makes things like that look easy and gives people a false sense of the amount of work it really takes to make things work. If you have read both their memoirs you can see that a tremendous amount of self reflection and growth preceded their love. One could even say invited it. Created space for it. Tik tok would call it manifested it.
Balance ?
Easier said than done. The rationalizing and justifying that life is short and running out and all of that. How does anyone find balance anyway? It’s an elusive concept to me right now. Even more evidence to get still with me.
I have all the tools and books surrounding me…. but the truth is I’m afraid. Really afraid of the weight of taking responsibility for myself. Funny since in most ways I’ve been doing this my whole life. What a funny thing to fear.
What looked like taking responsibility for myself was really survival, nothing was motivated from a secure place. If I didn’t have one I would make one, and hence the birth of my co-dependency.
I am working Melody Beattie Co-Dependent No More. Exciting stuff. It’s not. I want to hide it on the shelf, take off City of Girls, book a trip to Aruba and indulge. Again where is the balance? Like it’s outside of me and not possible or something. Sometimes I am ridiculous.
“We’ve ignored our own needs and wants and then get angry about it.”
“Just feeling urgent and compulsive is enough to hurt us. We keep ourselves in a crisis state.”
Set yourself free. Know the difference between a reaction that needs to be changed and one that despite its swiftness is still leading you in a direction that will correct the above.
What are my own wants and needs?
Excavations continue.
What I have learned is being out of alignment with them causes anxiety and suffering and no peace of mind. So I will get still in that place and not move from it until I am firm in those things. I don’t need to compromise those things to feel self-worth any longer. This new is scary. New is scary. It’s also exciting and lonely and sad and so many things.
I’m going to copy a post from a website. I do not remember the original poster but there’s lots of good stuff in here regarding the difference between love and a trauma bond and how to know.
“How do you know the difference between a trauma-bond and love? As the person with possibly a trauma-bond.”
Great question!!
Trauma bonding is a major part of abusive relationships. While in the trauma bond, it may be impossible to notice the difference between love and codependency. During trauma bonding, you may be bonded to the way the person (abuser) makes you feel —intense, fulfilling in some way, even attractive, indispensable.
If the trauma bond has gone for very long, you may be believing that if there is something wrong in the relationship, you may be the cause of it; that’s a consequence of emotional abuse directly. And you may be trying really hard to be better for this person “to love you back” but by then, love and codependance are the same to you.
Thinking that what you have felt for that person (the emotional manipulator) is not love will invalidate you completely, years of your life, and your sense of self.
Most people in trauma bond relationships are proud of how much they can love. They feel that their love is so sincere and accepting that makes them feel better about themselves because of it. That’s how they compensate for staying in such a relationship.
Since most people in this type of relationship are victims of trauma from before or some sort of emotional vulnerability, they may have low self esteem, low sense of worth, and may be easily manipulated in feeling grateful or in debt to the abuser.
Oftentimes, the abuser will have their own serious mental health issues, which lead the person being abused to feel the need to care for them or protect them. The abused individual will go up against other people who speak out against the partner and often push people away who aren’t supportive of the relationship in the name of the great love they have for them.
I have noticed that the abused in this type of relationship may have directed their emotional needs to feel compassion for those that suffer. That’s be a compensation for what they didn’t receive, probably in childhood. So, by caring a lot about those that suffer, they keep afloat, since compassion is a great source of resilience.
Narcissists love this behavior and will often reinforce this in the person being abused by showing them love and affection following an act of protectiveness.
So, to answer your question, since love is so difficult to define, I’d say that most people in trauma bonding situations have access to their heart, which most probably the abuser doesn’t. So, in a way, the bonding is a combination of a good/open heart and a acute emotional need of being loved, seen, appreciated, and cared for. In a way, vulnerability is the condition of opening the heart, right? The co-dependant is much less guarded than the manipulator. That type of vulnerability is a defense; loving makes them feel strong internally, even when externally they may be prone to abuse.”
Its abusive both ways because no ones needs are met and further the energy that is so vital to purpose and for our families is taken. Impossible without treatment.
Relapse is a part of recovery and admitting addiction is the first step.
Hi I’m Christina and I’m a recovering co-dependent. *waves*
And I’m committed to not doing things that make me feel like shit. No matter how good they may feel at the time. Not giving over my peace of mind for anything.