Posts

Posted on

Let’s Get Personal… my ADHD story. Part 1

I suppose so far this blog is sounding like exclusively an ADHD space. The truth is I didn’t know how I would organize it or what it would become. I only knew that I HAD to write. I have spent so much time running in circles in my head and complaining to everyone I come across about how I want to write a book, but can’t seem to get it out. My wonderful partner in crime (and love) said write a blog, and suddenly it’s like a had a motivation I wasn’t able to find before. Funny how certain things in our lives can tease around our periphery and suddenly one day even though you’ve heard it time and time again, it’s like MAGIC! A lot of things about this love are like MAGIC, you will hear more about it than you care to by a certain point.

I am sitting here at Escape in New Haven with 6 teenage boys. We are here on the eve of my son’s 16th birthday. The fact that I kept something alive this long and he is more than successful as a human being kind of blows my mind to a degree that I can only entertain that truth in small chunks and still be enshrouded with disbelief. Also when I say more than successful as a human being I mean so much more than just his excellent grades or that fact that he is utterly pleasant and charming to be around, I mean so much more. Future blog post…

I just tuned in to another group that finished and the guy controlling the game said “fresh eyes fixes all”, and I liked it. see ADHD 😉

Ok so the real point of this was to share my story with ADHD because this realization and journey is new to me. Well I could more accurately say that new knowledge has made me able to put words and thoughts to feelings that I just tried to manage on my own. It is much easier to cope with things once you understand them better. I like to make connections, recognize patterns, and crack the code on my own personal psyche. (as you can see the game lingo is absorbing into me from sitting here).

A great deal of my life I have spent analyzing myself for signs of trouble. I attribute this to having been around so much chaos and the way it impacted me left me observing with the hope that my life would not feel that way. I wanted to do things differently. My WAY of doing this initially was to closely monitor myself and others for danger. This developed a great sense of conscientiousness (probably an overactive one actually) and character, however there are some drawbacks. Hypervigilance is exhausting and it takes up a lot of energetic space.

This was a real “bear” in graduate school when I was learning Diagnosis. As anyone who has skimmed or been subject to the DSMVI can attest you can easily have a number of things wrong with you that you had never imagined before. Add to this a great imagination with the tendency to automatically go to the worst case scenario and you have a recipe for disaster for sure.

So as a therapist obviously I listen to people’s struggles on a daily basis. One day not terribly long ago a person was sharing their struggle with their bi-polar disorder and was listing some of the negative effects, one being that they hadn’t opened their mail in a month, and various other ways that their life had been effected. I couldn’t help but think well hmmm I often don’t pay attention to my billing or my mail or various other things. I was relating with a lot of other things they said, and since I am often on the look out for mental illness in myself (I was darn willing to create one I was so determined at certain points, glad that part of my life is over) I went on a research path.

As is the case with many things in my life I couldn’t have imagined that just putting a couple of ingredients together and seeking could change so much. What I mean is that being a recovered hypochondriac, now I don’t Google for the terrible. I still Google because I am a curious sort and often an initial search can lead to reputable info on the topic, and I ignore the crazy outlying terror stories that are the exception not the rule. I like to find others with similar experiences etc. So I was looking at 2 main things the possibility of bi-polar disorder and PMS. Over the past couple of years I can literally map out migraine headaches, extreme mood shifts, and various other unpleasantries by seeing where I am at in my cycle. This is something when I was younger I would have poo poo’d as I did not like limitations. I especially did not like excuses for poor behavior, and I saw women who behaved bitchy to others citing their period as an excuse as unsavory.

I ruled out bi-polar because the way I use diagnosis (rarely because I hate them, there will be a post about over-identifying and the dangers of diagnosis) in general is with much consideration. When I do use it I make sure we use it together as a tool to enhance knowledge as a way to come up with more suitable coping mechanisms.

Anyway during my search I found articles that linked things such as ADHD and PMS and their interaction and the Perfect Storm effect of the mixture. I also read similar articles to do with Depression and ADHD and how it is often misunderstood. Here is a favorite: http://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/jeff-emmerson-living-with-adult-adhd/depressed-with-adhd/

So many bells rang in my head. So much of the suffering that I endure. For me one of the biggest aspects has been owning my own practice. It is easy to see my Client’s. I love that part. But learning how to create systems for the financial aspects, and how to stay on top of billing is so entirely daunting to me. I will occasionally force myself to get on top of it, but for weeks at a time I will freeze up and do nothing. Then due to this in the back of my mind I am always worried I have neglected something too far.

I actually began to write this post while out at Tyler’s birthday party and since I didn’t finish I am not at an entirely different space with things, and of course with more pieces of the story. I don’t have enough energy to finish this tonight, but I am going to continue it soon for sure. My son turned 16 today. I am so grateful for this. Other aspects of today were not so great. I will be writing about this soon.

Posted on

ADHD Update from My Appointment Today….

 

“No matter how much you want to force yourself to pay attention boredom allows curiosity to find the key and open the dungeon door, allowing attention to escape and find some interesting place to visit.” – Dr. Edward M. Hallowell

So I went to my appointment with the Neurologist. I took a Quotient test, which was really interesting. You can learn about it here. http://www.quotient-adhd.com/product/product-overview/

I was diagnosed officially. I begin Vyvanse tomorrow. I am very hopeful and really interested to see how this turns out. I have a history of heart palpitations and a tendency to freak out if I feel jittery or like my heart is beating irregularly at all, so I am truly hoping none of that occurs. Medication and I do not have a good history together.

The possibility that I might be able to not feel as overwhelmed and the relief of anxiety and irritability of not being able to even begin something is nearly unimaginable. It is only with a great amount of research that I have realized that I feel a lot of my life has been largely effected by ADHD. One of the most important things that I want to change is the ability to sit and listen to my kids in such a way that they can FEEL my interest. My mind tends to wander and I zone out in almost all situations unless there is a huge motivating factor present. It pains me to say this would happen so much with my children, but it is usually the result of being pulled in so many directions at once that I become too over-stimulated to listen as well as I would like to. One of the reasons I am so successful in my practice is that the need of the client captures my attention like few other things do. There is definitely an amount of guilt that it doesn’t work the same way with my kids, especially when having such a hard time makes me irritable on top of things.

This ADHD has been in the background of all aspects of my life, and I really didn’t understand until more recently how profound an impact it has had. I had no idea that people who suffer from ADHD have lower levels of dopamine as well. This makes sense why mood can also be highly effected. At times I feel like a crazy person, and again get PMS in there as well and forget about it.

As I am writing this I am scanning articles for evidence of some of the difficulties of ADHD in relationships. I had no idea how much ADHD has been responsible for a lot of my difficulty in that department. Speaking of that a huge force that is making my life incredible right now is my partner, Courtney. This is the first time I have been with someone that embraces me so well that I have been able to have the space to realize these things. Prior to this my relationships were filled with such strife that they basically took up any energy I had and then some. Our number one secret in love: We give one another tons and tons of space to be who the person is without reactivity, defensiveness, or judgement. This again will be an entirely separate blog post, but for now I just have to say that I wouldn’t even be figuring this out or getting the support that I need in the way that I am without this new chapter with her.

I throw so much information at this woman on any given day. I send her lengthy e-mails, many text messages, every article I find interesting (which is a lot), voice memo’s, and any possible whim of an emotion that I may have. In addition to this we have a group chat with my 3 children that is often abuzz full of information to sort through.  She has not once over the course of our relationship sent across the message verbally or otherwise that I am being too much. This was life changing for me. I have shared with her I would often have partners scan the length of something I sent before even digging in, and already be commenting on it, as if it is so much work. I can share every single aspect of my mind in it’s entirety with her, and the only result of this is that she seems to somehow love me that much more. I don’t know how I got so lucky.

An excerpt from an article on ADHD and relationships:

PRACTICE

COMPASSION

“This is indispensable within any relationship. A person with ADHD often feels disappointed, overwhelmed, and frustrated. When a person with ADHD appears to be acting selfishly, it may be that he or she is feeling overwhelmed with their own thoughts. ADHD takes up a lot of mental and emotional bandwidth. It’s exhausting and often the ADHDer is struggling to get through the next task. Slow down, be compassionate, and refrain from judgment. Your ADHD loved one will respond lovingly to your kindness.

An ADHD relationship requires patience and compassion, at times more than other relationships. Understanding what it feels like to have ADHD- without judgment- will help both partners stay on the same page and allow you to regain a peaceful, happy home.

The more love you give, the more you will receive.”

Source: https://add.org/six-secrets-to-a-happy-adhd-relationship/

 

Thanks for listening everyone. I look forward to bringing you guys along for my journey through this, and welcome any comment or sharing of your experiences on here as well.

 

Posted on

The Perfect Storm: ADHD…Combined with High Sensitivity and Pms.

Just trying to write this post is an exact example of what I am talking about. Let me see if I can paint you a picture. I have one of my twin daughters laying in bed with me talking at random every few minutes (which I wouldn’t trade for the world, but does interrupt concentration ha). My bulldog is whining from the kitchen. My phone lights up from the occasional text. I can see the reflection in the mirror of the ceiling fan whirring. What’s even more difficult is the process going on inside my head. At any given time I am thinking about: if I have confirmed my client appointments for tomorrow, what I need to pick up from the store for dinner, that I really should be doing laundry or one of the many tasks I have been neglecting, that I really shouldn’t have eaten TacoBell for dinner, that I should have gone to the gym (engaging the should and shouldn’ts is really another blog post entirely), what appointments I need to make for my kids, for myself, for the pets, and a various thousand other things. I could go on forever like this … It feels as if the only way I can concentrate ever on producing anything of substance is if I was often in total silence. I am rarely in even semi-silence.

“I feel like I have so many thoughts inside me dying to get out that I am just bursting at the seams…”

Blog posts that are on my mind currently. Palo Santo the Sacred wood and my  current obsession with holistic methods. Parenthood and how does one survive it. Love and how I am doing so well at it recently ;). Psychics and my journey with becoming a believer. My recent experience as a Red Cross Volunteer providing Disaster Mental Health services in Houston Texas. On learning to be “lighter”, becoming a mother, blended families…. on and on. Oh and I would also like to write my gorgeous partner because that’s what we do. more on that later 😉

At any given time I want to read and write both equally and can never decide which so when I sit and try to do either I am usually thinking about the one I am not doing. This amount of chaos in my mind wears me out swiftly and often makes my chest tight with anxiety. This means I constantly run on over-drive and then crash, and concern myself mostly with comforting the deep level of exhaustion I experience that is only complicated by having Crohn’s Disease. Over the past couple of years I have noticed things becoming dramatically more difficult during certain times of my menstrual cycle. So finally in a fit of frustration I sought out solace in my friend Google. Google is a place where I often go to type in exaclty how I am feeling and find more information on the topic. It is comforting for me. Or now that I have mostly recovered from my hypochonria enough to not only focus on the terrifying things, I find it to be.

These  articles I came across are very validating and full of information.

http://untappedbrilliance.com/adhd-and-pms/

https://www.everydayhealth.com/add-adhd/what-happens-when-pms-strikes.aspx

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/adhd/2010/08/holy-hormones-magnified-by-adhd/

So now I knew I wasn’t crazy and I am definitely not alone. Now to go about figuring out a diagnosis of ADHD. I was diagnosed as a child and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I have it. As a Mental Health Counselor I know a lot about what goes into the process from the diagnosing end, however this is mostly with children/adolescents, and mostly from the other side of the desk. So tomorrow I am going to a Neurologist in Stratford to see about getting a diagnosis.

I am nervous about this. Primarily because medications that help with ADHD are stimulants and my system seems to run on overdrive as it is. Of course as one who does her research I know that often times medications that treat ADHD make anxiety worse. So back to those fun and real “easy” questions of which came first… something about chickens and eggs. Will ADHD medication make my anxiety worse? My history with medications is a tough one. I am an individual who is hyper aware of even the slightest change in her force field, and not a fan of medication based on past experiences. At this point though I feel as if I would do anything to be able to concentrate better, listen better, focus and be able to complete a single task at a time without thinking about the next 20, or a thousand other things simultaneously.

Often times when someone is speaking or giving direction or my kids are talking to me I can’t seem to focus. Truly one of the only spaces I become fully present is in my practice. When a person’s need combines with my joy for growth etc it is as if my “powers” are activated. But left to my own devices outside of that demand or someone who will definitely call me out on not listening (which is also often really embarrasing especially when it comes to directions etc.), and I really really struggle. This creates a big deficit in confidence. I remember being a kid and given a set of directions for example while playing roller hockey, to do a certain formation through a set of cones they had set up, and for the life of me unless I watched someone else do it many times I could not do what they verbally told me. I have to slowly be shown, and try several times physically myself until I can commit it to memory etc. There are times I have felt like something in my brain is broken as a result of this. I know that I am not stupid and the older I get I understand the world more often as each individual has unique gifts and we are wired differently. The same things I struggle with are also conjoined with some of my most beautiful aspects.

Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of all of this is if you give me a clear and well defined task that requires discipline and committment I am aware I can succeed at it, provided I am allowed to put all of my energy into that task. If I set my mind to being more healthy I can definitely do so, but then I have to let many other aspects slide. If I set my mind to love I am capable of being the most considerate person you have ever met, but then other things slide. If I set my mind to my home looking like the poster child for HGTV then it would be just that, but then I probably would forget to pay my bills and my business would most likely go up in flames.

I become so overwhelmed by this whole process I just freeze up often. Irritability is probably one of my biggest symptoms, and since I possess a keen degree of self-awareness I am never blissfully ignorant to how unpleasant I can be when I can’t figure out how to focus on things that are important to me. With me everything feels important. Here is an article about High Sensitivity and ADHD.

https://www.additudemag.com/hypersensitivity-disorder-with-adhd/

Like many people I have been trying to tough out a lot of my feelings and the things that are overwhelming. Luckily I have a supportive person that I can literally vent my every single emotion to and she does not take it personally, defensively and allows me the space I need. This is a huge piece of my ability to cope.

I know that if medication does not work I will need to utilize natural coping mechanisms and make other adjustments. I spent so much of my life trying to catch up on things I learned or started late that I became used to moving at a dizzying pace. My mind also races so quickly this is a natural state for me. I have to work extremely hard at slowing myself down and re-wiring what feels like how I am naturally made. This is not easy.

So for now Doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I will keep you posted.

 

 

 

Posted on

Allow me to Introduce Myself….

So here I am taking the first step in an adventure that has been 36 years (and perhaps much more if you ascribe to belief in past lives) in the making. I am a person who becomes overwhelmed/overstimulated so very easily, and it is difficult to tell whether this is a product of identifying as a Highly Sensitive Person, ADHD, or just the fact I wear MANY hats. One of my biggest obstacles to writing this is asking myself if I can organize the material in such a way that YOU, the reader, will get something important out of my work, as well as be entertained. I seem to doubt in my ability to do this, despite much tangible evidence towards the opposite. Writing about my many doubts and fears and what I do to overcome those I am sure will also be a big part of this. Maybe I will write this for just me. Who am I kidding with that one?  I like to share.  If I can’t share my enthusiasm and my journey, for me, it’s like it never happened. Fortunately after many failed attempts, I have found a partner who embraces my many thoughts and giant labrador-like enthusiasm for life as something that enhances hers. This is largely responsible for the fact I am here now, able to start this new venture with passion and patience toward myself.

I anticipate writing about EVERYTHING that one could possibly be curious about throughout the human experience. I will share what things that I am so you may know what the hell you are reading about, even if sometimes you don’t know why.

I am a 36 year old woman. I am a mother of 3 kids, my son is about to turn 16, and my twin girls are 13. I am a partner and have screwed up enough in the love department that I will proclaim myself an expert in this topic. That badge was won with many battle scars.  I am a Licensed Professional Counselor who resides in the State of Connecticut. I am a business owner (by accident) of my own counseling practice in the town of Fairfield. I am a person who often pauses and looks at her life with a type of awe that most of my wildest dreams have become actualized.  I am a Stephen King fan, perhaps fanatic is more appropriate. This is very interesting because I am quite sensitive to violence and tend to shy away from such material, but his writing and the intelligence of it, I cannot dismiss. He has a keen awareness of human nature and this is neatly woven into all his material. I am an old-soul. I am deeply spiritual and yet my personal expression of this or a specific plan that I ascribe to could only be described as eclectic and constantly in flux. I am a person who, like many, has some deep scars from a strict religious background, so this area often causes me conflict. I am a concrete and pragmatic person who desperately wants to believe in and keep magic alive in my heart. I am infinitely curious about EVERYTHING. The primary thing that pulls me is individual people’s experiences with life. As it turns out I ended up in the perfect field for this, in a place in this world that feels like a privilege rather than a burden. I am a person who does not take this for granted. So many people seek and do not find it.  For as long as I can remember I have wondered about every tiny thing about people I come into contact with, the stuff that most would not even consider, and certainly would not ask; but I do. I do not have much of a sense for being socially appropriate or “shoulds”. I cannot seem to find the patience for them. I have the tendency to be naïve, particularly when it comes to believing in the best in people, and I plan to keep this even if all logic at times stands against it. I am poetic and wordy and perhaps learning to be more organized and concise will be a positive by-product of this project. I live mostly in my head, most of the time.  Learning to moderate this so I can have the reward of having a close relationship with my family has been one of my primary tasks. I am a person who likes to process all of her thoughts and feelings out loud, and strongly believes in the learning that can be acheived through this. I am someone who fears being a burden, which means that the aforementioned has been quite the journey. I am a natural born leader and teacher who struggles with much self-doubt. I am a voracious reader, a hopeless romantic, a poet. I am a lover of stream of consciousness. I am a person who has an over-developed introspection and an under-developed repretoire of anything that you do not need to reach to the deepest parts of yourself to harvest. I am an Oregon girl at heart, however 14 years has me quite assimilated into the Nutmeg culture.

On motherhood: The very second I think I have made progress or cracked the code on a particular challenge, a new one is spread out before me. I didn’t become a mother the day those beautiful gems were placed in my arms, rather I am becoming a mother every single day. I fail as much as I succeed at this, and learning to be OK has been all part of the fun. I have Benjamin Buttoned to a degree as I have been told is quite typical of Capricorn’s. Even now as I type this I am hesitant to add so much pseudo-science material, and yet again it will be all part of the process.

On Life Stage: I am in that pre-midlife crisis stage where my metabolism has not-so-kindly dropped off a cliff and I am tasked with re-evaluating my self-worth in other terms besides what can be observed externally. In simple terms  I am struggling with approaching the second half of my life. Where did the first half go?

On Health: I have Crohn’s Disease and have an entire journey to share throughout regarding chronic illness coping. I am a recovering hypochondriac who will probably always need to manage those tendencies even if I can now tell myself I am not dying when I simply have indigestion.

I am NOT a professional English anything and often during this blog I struggled with comma placement. This contributes largely to the self-doubt we talked about earlier on my ability to be classified as a writer. I am a writer of depth and heart, and probably not one of precision and accuracy with attention to grammar. I am hoping to learn more and get better at this as I go. I will try not to make it unbearably painful to get through as I learn 😉 I appreciate raw process so I do not know why I am having such trouble feeling what I must produce is a sparkling finished product. This is probably a symptom of living in the land of over-acheivers. Think Stepford wives here. Anyone remember the last line?

Welcome…. let the journey begin.