It’s a lot more difficult to unpack what happened to me then, and a lot easier to unpack what happened to me now.
This morning I am reading What Happened to You, by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey, and never have I felt more seen or able to see myself.
Something in the book jogged my memory to think of how I got here. And it caused me to think of love languages and words of affirmation. Things I rarely received in childhood. When I did, you got the feeling it was the thing they thought one should say, but when it came to anything hard or emotional it was the opposite.
I have identified my love language as physical touch and acts of service I would guess based on what I do lol, or quality time for sure. And then I thought really my love language is a response to the profound lack of love that was consistent or safe. So I was in need of all of those so much how did I even know which one.
All of the love languages please ! An abundance of love….moving from scarcity towards abundance has been one of my greatest adventures.
This latest bought of change in my life has been brought to you by SCARCITY, the need for words of affirmation or words at all. For the last year and a half what began as someone offering me a family, a family that was not theirs to offer, and then repeating constantly how intelligent I was and how in love with my mind. And I wonder why something could have that big of a hold when all other evidence pointed to the offerings being empty.
This situation brought me to my knees and places inside and outside myself I never knew existed. I have never connected the dots before the way this book is helping me do.
I had once again put all the responsibility on me, without understanding the underlying vulnerabilities or dynamics at play. Without understanding a lot of things. Things about grief, trauma, attachment, scarcity, and scarcity, self abandonment, and so much more.
Knowledge IS Power. There is nothing lacking in my knowing. What has always been lacking inside me is a sense of safety and comfort that some of us get and some of us don’t. a regulation that is a privilege of the safe, the children who were wanted and loved and kept safe by being loved in healthy ways.
Lately I’ve been acknowledging what came before my conscious awareness years, my infancy and what that probably looked like. We love you Chris my grandparents would try and say to me, and to their ability they did. But it was never with enthusiasm or joy. A child is never meant to be a burden, but in this already taxes system full of religious beliefs it was. I was.
I will never be something that is tolerated rather than someone who is enjoyed simply for existing. Not for doing, for existing. The rest of my life I get to live with these realizations and the profound sense of peace that I’ve set my compass towards since the inception of this blog.
Since I began I tried to find it in other people, in things, in work, in so many places…. And throughout that process what has opened up are new places in myself where that now exists…..
I tried to find my concentration and focus. Will and motivation and desire and passion, those were never the problem. My nervous system however has been subconsciously hijacking my ability to craft a self for me entire life.
I am pondering the cruelty of this brain washing of the last year. The excuse that it’s real because the person feels this way, but without anything tangible or follow through. The pain and devastation that was caused. Not taking responsibility for anything except my choices and actions. I’m not responsible for and gaining clarity and connection with those who are responsive and reciprocal in relation with me.
Healing. My only responsibility is to heal myself with the help of qualified professionals and steadfast found family of friends.
I’m thinking of how my imagination must have saved me, and learning to hold it with high regard and honor. I’m thinking of how so many of my dreams were someone showing up for me and realizing how that builds with slow consistency rather than grandiose promises with opposite actions.
The greatest of all realizations is that I can’t hang on to any miserable thoughts on this because the process itself led me home…. Led me whole.
Stay Tuned…. What’s next is going to be really beautiful ….