“Don’t take any shit”
For as long as I can remember I have been teased for feeling things deeply or appreciating things that make you feel things. It’s like it makes the rest of the world feel bad that their disinterested sarcasm or repression of all their wants and desires is not the only way.
Corny they call it. Cheesy.
Because when we connect to our feelings it creates power.
I have always known knowledge is power.
What I didn’t know is the power I would have when I connected the force of my heart with the knowledge. I still won’t see the full effects of that because that journey is in progress. It is just beginning in some ways, and has been underway for years in others.
I remember that I loved the movie Foxfire. I minimized this to it indulging my gay tendencies that I didn’t know I even had when first I saw it, but today I realize it was so much more.
The movie is about women standing up against abuse and being mistreated. The struggles that causes with addiction, and many other aspects.
It is no wonder that my first tattoo would be a variation of the flame they each tattooed on one another’s breasts. Again I minimized this to a shallow interest, when it never was. I shamed myself for my corny first tattoo, and this interest as well as many others.
People tease me that my music is always sad. Why do people tease instead of wonder ? Are we that uncomfortable with feeling something ? Maybe it is me who had it figured out, and they didn’t ? What if that was true?
I connect to art where I can feel what the person was trying to say. Where I can feel their experience. If it doesn’t make me feel what was required of them to get it into the world it’s a waste of my time. Don’t waste my time with inauthentic art. Talent without passion and integrity.
I am interested in the brave and the courageous and their stories.
Lately shame is public enemy number one. I will make myself wrong for anything if it helps me to do the right thing when I had no model. And lately I think there has to be a less exhausting way to exist. And lately I know there is.
I would rather leave no man behind than abandon the hope that they too can do the things I have with my healing. I want to make what’s already in my life work rather than trust in life itself.
How could one trust in something that keeps leaving them in situations that are harmful? (I created the situations so I could heal my trauma) My only choice is to believe everything happens for a reason and trust the process and more importantly myself because being a victim is boring, even when one is actually a victim and not creating a story to comfort themselves.
Either way it does not lead to a courageous and full life. Something I have always been determined about.
Now can I appreciate how I am capable of loving and stop running any outdated narrative about that?
Can I claim my power and rights ? Enjoy some of what I have created without latching on to sources that wish to take rather than to give.
Can I walk the walk, not just talk the talk?
Can I choose that when it means giving up all that once felt comforting to me.
Comfort hasn’t been comforting in a long time Christina. It was an idea.
Now that it doesn’t it’s excruciating this place between selves. I can’t go back, and I was resisting going forward as well. Being loyal to an idea of something that never materialized and letting go seemed more painful than hanging on.
An intricately designed web.
That makes me think of No Doubt and their song Spiderweb. The song lyrics are actually very appropriate. Walking into spider webs
Abuse recovery is no joke ladies and gentleman. The way it RE-wires you. Changes connection forever. You’ll always look over your shoulder. You’ll never trust the darkness, the light, or anything you can’t see. Until you’re ready to face reality and your own healing work.
Unhealed draws in unhealed. A valuable lesson from 2020.
20/20 vision, no more rose colored glasses, or little white gloves.
Only survivors
