To make you feel my love ….

I’ve been sitting with a lot of new awareness recently. About things missing inside of me. My true hearts desire has long been to break the curses inside of me that hold me back from expression.

I’m not rough around the edges. I am a locked vault, with a well trained expert veneer. I am good at my job. I’m great at my job, but even that will hit its limits, because knowledge without enough heart falls flat.

The right combination of both is magic!

Just as I’ve made a tiny bit of progress I catapult ahead and then crash wildly on my own walls. I have to then slow down again. Look again. It’s exhausting and frustrating. I am reminded of somebody that I used to know.

Full circle. Everything does always come. Again and again. Round and round she goes, and where she’ll stop nobody knows.

Scarcity runs through my veins and colors every interaction I have. Not just in one area, in so many. And I am tasked to alchemize these emotions into something palatable?

I’m angry

Sad

Lonely

Lost

Most of the time.

Even surrounded by love and happiness. It can only penetrate if I let it.

There is no external fix or factor that can change this. No new car, fancy dinner, or trip. You’ll always return to your inner most thoughts.

This is an inside job. And I feel at times already past retirement in life years trod by my efforts.

But that’s all just a crappy story.

I can do better. Not perfect. Not everything. But better.

Heart opening is the name of the game.

Did you know when you do that you love everything and everyone, and cry at every damn thing. And it feels so unsafe with no extra skin to protect. Feel raw and naked all the time, in an exchange for keeping everyone else safe from the irritability and rage that built all the years the needs went unmet.

That’s a lot of debt. Will it ever be paid? Is it really so simple as “letting go”.

All or nothing. A totally wide open heart or a castle with impenetrable walls.

Doesn’t there need to be a middle? Or is that just another not enough….

I am safety driven, and the things that register safe for me are often not. A hall of mirrors a haunted fun house. Never knowing the thing I’m supposed to say, instead saying something scathingly critical. Yep it’s true.

Hyper vigilant to a fault. Trapped inside myself.

A one trick pony with a broken saddle. Caution cuidado.

Am I going round and round or am I moving forward. Always the question.

I’m on Dune book four and don’t want to lose momentum with supercommunicators, how to know somebody, and the many other books I’m reading.

I think I’ll take a break soon and read so many I’ve wanted to for pleasure. Julie and Julia, Under the Tuscan Sun, PS I love you, A Winter’s Tale, memoirs. All of these classic faves I’ve always wanted to, but have been too busy working.

I suppose the secret is loving someone exactly as they are until the love transforms the original into a masterpiece.

Love transforms

Fear freezes

Can stillness

Be filled with warm

Breezes

And will this block

Of ice I have become

Ever thaw

Never enough food, money, affection, the list goes on.

In the face of abundance can I accept it

Or will seeking scarcity (home)

Always have me running