One of my biggest battles in life is trusting the system of Western Medicine and going against my urge toward Naturopathic medicine. This became of particular interest when I was very sick prior to my diagnosis of Crohn’s Disease. I was put on medications such as steroids (Entocort) and 6mp (death). I had terrible migraines and all kinds of other systems. So it should come as not surprise that when I got put on Humira for my Crohn’s I was terrified. The fact that it put me into remission and while it does have some undesirable effects, it has changed my life for the better makes this battle extra confusing. During the time I got diagnosed I was extremely stressed and unhappy in all other areas of my life, so it has been tempting to want to not put any “chemical” into my body. And yet… if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Humira is tricky because if you come off of it, it may never work the same for you.
I have a long history of medication being something I seek when I want the road to feel a little less rocky. Not wanting to always tough things out on my own. There is something about my system personally with regard to hormones and neurochemicals in my brain. This is absolutely to do with being a Highly Sensitive Person. Doctor’s would treat me like I was crazy that I couldn’t be feeling this or that on a medication, but I know how I felt. Two different attempts at birth control and they turned me into a lunatic, and I had to come off right away. Also after having my son I went to a Doctor because I felt sad, and came home with Paxil, and at one other place in my journey it was Lexapro. Both had horrific effects for me. I couldn’t feel either thing happy or sad, and I had all sorts of weird symptoms, the worst for me was not sleeping for 2 weeks with severe racing thoughts.
Since I am a Clinician organizing my thoughts around this is extra important. People often seek me out for information on whether they should try a medication or not. Everyone’s body is different so I keep my experience aside and just share both sides of the education. The potential side effects and how to be cautious and that for some people they report they work quite well. In my personal mind I often try to sort through landing on a belief system. Perhaps the reason I cannot do this is because it is different for each individual. I think I would be more comfortable personally at least if I had one solid belief. We human beings certainly do try to minimize our discomfort at all costs.
Anyway as you may have read I decided after all this time to give a medication a chance again. I thought maybe because I am not a hypochondriac anymore, or because I have been able to be on Humira and it works that perhaps I could find some relief for my ADHD in Vyvanse. I took my first pill yesterday. It was a Saturday and I had a day full of Client’s and my son’s birthday party later so I was very apprehensive, but I also didn’t want to be unrealistically scared. People take this all the time right. Well during the day I felt amazing, a clarity I have never felt before. I was absolutely focused and my mind was quiet from all the chatter. I could have cried. I did I think.
However, later on I began to notice some weird symptoms. My ears popping and ringing especially from going to standing after a sitting position. I tried to just ignore it thinking I’m making things up (I often attempt to invalidate my experience, this is a deeply rooted battle for me). Then later on I began to develop a really bad headache. I have done all my reading so I drank plenty of water (a ton actually), didn’t have caffeine, did all the “right” things… you know. I took tylenol for the headache and proceeded forward. I also had some pretty awful heartburn that isn’t a usual thing for me and a lot of nausea. I was thinking that I would be willing to suffer some side effects and keep giving it a shot at this point, but I was pretty discouraged. Until I woke up Sunday morning with the worst migraine I have ever had in my entire life (and I’ve had some pretty bad ones).
I battled it all day yesterday. It got to the point where I almost went to the hospital. The waves of discomfort were almost unbearable. I was only getting tiny moments of relief here and there. The emotional aspect of this was crushing to me. Part of being Highly Sensitive is that you feel everything in full technicolor. I had been so excited at this hope, that I was able to follow through with the appointments and keep pursuing this, and then the feeling of the medication. The migraine was so severe I will probably never touch that medication again, even if someone attempted to convince me that the side effects would pass. The other problem with this if you try to ride through them is that if it stays bad you always have to wean off the stuff. 🙁 If you lift me very high, the comedown is equally if not more low. That is a thing about me. This is why even with my family history etc I am not in danger of abusing any substance because I am so keenly aware of every nuance in my body. I can’t even smoke pot, and sometimes the joy people seem to report on the stuff makes me wish that I could. But even the handful of times I have done that in my life it just makes me feel off in a way that is unpleasant.
So the result for me is that I do not like my mental state to be altered whatsoever. I have such a completely sensitive system and thus far finding natural things, and doing the cognitive and behavioral work to change things seems to work for me. I often wish there was an easier answer or a little more relief, because I do “white knuckle” it a lot with these things. Then there is also the piece of second guessing myself on if I actually have something or don’t. It’s really a lot to try and figure out, but I am learning more each day. And one of my greatest strengths is that even after the hardest situations I’m typically ready to jump right back up and try something else if one thing hasn’t worked.
So back to the drawing board on my approach to ADHD. Some people would try another med. Whether it is that I just know myself so intimately, or because I am already exhausted from that process with Crohn’s, I think ultimately my path is this way for a reason. In the past I am tempted to feel sorry for myself or say things like why are things so hard for me every step of the way. But at this point that all just seems silly. I am made to come up against these challenges so I can learn and then be able to share that knowledge.
Stay tuned…