Tag: #truthwarrior

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Next time something bad happens, ask yourself “what is the best thing that could come of this”?

I seem to produce my best work whether it be in a therapy session or on the page when I am at my most vulnerable. I am also at my most uncomfortable during this time so it is extra challening to get my feelings out if I am judging myself or shutting down.

I was on a roll with the blog posts and then they slowed down, and of course the harpy critic was close nearby telling me this would be just like before, just like all the other times. Times I would get excited about something beyond my means to fulfill those goals and inevitably crash and burn. What I have learned about this these past few weeks is if you don’t give up when it gets hard, you get overwhelmed, when your self-talk isn’t kind, when you repeatedly do the thing you swear you won’t do in a moment of strength, that the payoff of that in the end is much greater than if you were to stop trying altogether. I have learned that little steps in the right direction are what gets us to our goals, rather than grand perfectly executed plans. We plan our lives that way right? On timelines, using flow maps and charts, having watched people we admire and hoping for our lives to be like theirs, and then the CURVEBALLS (the thing I wrote about several posts back). I used to be so sensitive to the curveballs and so fragile I would fall apart when things didn’t go as I expected or MY WAY. At this point I have learned that this very thing is not only inevitable, it also contains great mysterious GIFTS, that are almost impossible to recognize as such. So next time you are tempted to feel it can’t get any worse, as yourself this strange question. What’s the best thing that could come out of this?

I had a therapist do this bizarre exercise with me, and boy was I ready at the start to be resistant. You mean what is the best part about my unexpected $4000.00 vet bill? Are you serious lady? It turns out the best part was while it’s still on my radar and stressful, and a serious setback…. it allowed me the opportunity to see how many people cared for me, would have my back and show up, and how well my partner and I navigated it together (when in the past in my relationship we would have just taken out stress on one another). The best thing about that vet bill is that my life was not over. I am still able to pay my bills. I realized that in the past I would have taken the bill as evidence that my life and the large financial demands of 3 children alone, let alone student loans etc. was a burden on anyone I could possibly date, I would continue to behave as if I operated alone and inevitably push that person out of my life for good. I knew this time when we dealt with it gracefully and I allowed myself to be helped and to conquer those “being a burden fears”, that I was truly ready for all that love demands. A cheaper lesson might have been preferred here. I am hoping my next one will not cost $4000.00, however I am grateful nevertheless.

I didn’t intend to write that, it wasn’t how my mind started out. Maybe I needed the reminder myself, and sharing it with all of you helps with that. I am still learning how long I want each post to be. I have a tendency to go on and on. I have more to write, but I am tempted to leave this lesson in more of a nugget fashion versus a novel, and to continue my many thoughts on the next post.

 

<3

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Blogger revealed: parenting struggles and vulnerability

One of my greatest struggles with making a blog is what to include and what not to include. How personal to get when I know that clients especially can read my blog. The stance I think I will always take with this is that if I cannot show someone how to be a raw and real human being, in the number one way that we all teach (by example), then what am I really doing here anyway.

I don’t think that my style will ever be well polished articles (though I usually dream of being like “those other people”, whoever they are ;)), because those fail to show the process of becoming. My life has been a process of becoming, and I have so much that I could share with the world about this. The number one thing that possibly prevents this is the light speed at which I move onto the next adventure and onto the next. I move in my life at a dizzying pace. This alone is terrifying to most I feel, and difficult to understand. And the most important aspect (you’re not supposed to begin a sentence with and are you? I so need to brush up on my grammar etc, but again it keeps me away from my point and my truths, and I refuse to let anything do that) that has been affected in my life by this is my children. Due to the fact that I am propelled foward by an almost alien drive, that even I do not understand at times, I drag my children through life at my pace. I am sitting here this morning as I bask in some of the consequences of this and reflecting.

I have hit a point with one of my 13 year old twin girls where we are very disconnected. This has been the number one thing on my mind. It short circuits all other processes. I cannot just be out in the world experiencing adventures and writing about them if one of my most core connections is suffering. I have felt as if I am banging my head against a wall trying to untangle “the answers” to this puzzle. How much space is the right amount? It is normal for children to branch off into privacy (in fancy therapy speak, individuation). But then also how do we keep them safe in this day of age when technology makes everything beyond their maturity level available.

Trying to crack this code on “the right way to parent” is like trying to decode Mandarin. There is a truth in here that is important. There is not one right way to parent (or do anything for that matter), there is only what works for an individual, taking into consideration their unique path and wiring. This is what we most often do not do. With all of the should’s, templates, and everyone’s well meaning advice on a life well lived. I think some of the truths about this are revealed in the letter I wrote to her. I think I will share it later, when I am not trying to squeeze this in during this magical window of inspiration. Which means I am forgoing getting ready for my day full of clients and will as usual look “comfortable” today 😉

So this morning I woke with my mind so abuzz that the only thing I knew how to do, the one thing I have always been able to do, is to write. I ended up writing her a 7 page letter in long hand. The words poured as if from my soul straight to the page, my most satisfying brand of writing. A brand that once you experience, you become almost unwilling to accept any other kind. This is so rare in my life though. The stars aligned this morning. Which basically means in my world that the dogs after their morning walk chose to nap quietly this am rather than play and make all sorts of noise. It means that the rest of the house was still asleep. I spent a good two hours this morning writing my daughter. I am sitting in here in some self-judgment about that. Thoughts like: “if anyone were to read this they would think it’s way too advanced for the understanding of a 13 year old”, and “why can’t I just be normal”. I said this to my partner the other day. “Why can’t I just be one of those parents who bake the fondant cakes and decorate for every holiday, and their entire focus is their children.” I so badly want to be “those parents”. The ones who do all the external supposed to’s that make their children feel treasured and loved. I am ever envious of those parents. The fact that I am not naturally made this way makes me constantly have my parenting in question. Not that I already didn’t…..

The space I seem to need to keep landing with this is that everyone’s path is uniquely their’s. There is good and bad in everything and we all have choices. One of the toughest is to see our mistakes as they are unfolding and be willing to face them. I look at my mistakes. I used to be so hard on myself that I couldn’t bear to see a mistake, which means that I couldn’t work on anything. I was fragile in my make-up. Since then I have cultivated some Velveteen Rabbit esque values that have helped me to learn to sit in discomfort and own my story, especially with it’s flaws and failures. Flaws and failures are an essential part of our personal map, so why do we do anything to avoid them? Woven within my writing will probably be lots on this.

I guess in this blog you will watch my process of becoming a writer who is able to clearly lay out her truths, the gems she has found in life. I am not there yet. You are going to see poor writing, and grammar mistakes. You are going to have to sift through the confusion and the disjoint for magical nuggets of truth. However I do believe they will be within here, and that you may learn something in the process of reading. I believe this because it is my greatest passion. Sharing knowledge with others. Staying connected in a land of a great disconnect. Looking at our unique types of suffering and finding what alleviates it. The whole process is so beautiful.

As always I wish I could have gotten onto the page more eloquently this rush of inspiration from this morning. As I said I think I will share the letter later, if nothing else so you can see an example of raw vulnerability in it’s process state. One of my favorite things.

Warmly,

Christina