Tag: #theemotionalalchemist

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It’s finally feeling like a getaway. If I could sum up my life in one sentence…

One of the most important things in life is taking time away. This is something I had to learn to do by myself for awhile. I had to learn to enjoy my own company. Now my person and I are learning the art of shared space: getting away and being alone and together all in the same short span of time. These are days that I will relish. With our budget finding affordable getaways is essential. This time we have decided to come to : The Black Swan Inn      We used Groupon to accomplish this mission.

The Inn is only missing two of my most affectionately regarded elements of getaway, which are: a large jacuzzi tub, that easily fits two, and a fireplace. The Maine Stay Inn, Snowflake Inn, and Paradise Stream Cove Haven are favorites for this!  I am  about the cozy factor, about being on a Lake, and quaint New Englandy towns in fall. This is my personal heaven. The only drawback to this particular place are that the walls are quite thin and you can hear all the goings on. Today for example some type of hammering went on for abour 2 hours. Not one to fixate and not just ignore such a thing, I have to say it got pretty obnoxious for awhile there. It has since stopped though and piece has returned.

On this getaway we have: no fewer than 15 books, snacks, healthy and not so healthy, usually from Trader Joes (a major favorite is Le Delice De Borgougne and pears), San Pellegrino, and collection of various libations from a local liquor store. Namely a six pack of Sam Adams Octoberfest, 2 bottles of Malbec that neither of us has tried, and as a last minute impulse purchase 2 small nips of Revel Stoke Pumpkin Spiced flavored Whisky. Going to the local places is all part of the fun I have learned. I have gotten somewhat over my fuddy duddy ways of packing and bringing everything, so as not to pay inflated prices. Have I mentioned my new idea to go sober for October as a matter of health and weight loss kick off before the Holiday is really underway? Our only exception will be if there is a Two Roads event with family or we do a wine or beer tasting, but otherwise this is the plan.

The books we brought: Courtney is currently reading Practical Magic. We love the movie, but there is always so much more of the story in the book. My book that I am reading of this nature is Julie and Julia, because I fell so entirely in love with the movie. Meryl Streep (who plays Julia Child) and her husband, played by Stanley Tucci, have a relationship that one can only dream of. This movie is one of several that upon watching became the wake up call in previous unhealthy relationships. I thought as I watched, “it is possible for two people to treat one another with dignity, grace, kindness, and the utmost affection”, and it turns out after some brave moves, it is indeed possible. In addition to these we brought: The Infinite Jest, Lisey’s Story (the most recent Stephen King I tend to devour with glee, this is the one I am reading), The Artist’s Way, 3 books on ADHD, The Disorganized Mind, Driven to Distraction, and something about better organizing. Courtney brought Rising Strong, Daring Greatly (both Brene Brown books), The House of the Seven Gables, Creatures of a Day, Love’s Executioner, A year by the Sea (an absolute favorite). Reading is a shared joy of ours and I couldn’t be happier that rather than ask me why I need so many books on a 4 day Getaway, she simply smiled wryly as she plopped her stack down next to mine. We just get one another, and most importantly we have long since realized the gift of not needing to criticize or micro-manage. This gives us so much more room to enjoy the other’s special qualities and talents.

Among the other qualities that make us so successful as a couple, I believe that having much the same temperament and ideas about how we like to spend our time together is of key importance. We both would probably not be found participating in a Spartan Race or Tough Mudder. Our speed is probably more reflected by Courtney asking me, “honey perhaps at some point we could do a “Couch to 5 K together?”  I love this about us. We are foodies, lounge rats, and if it were not for wanting to be around a very long time to enjoy one another we may never lose some of these new and happy relationship pounds. At some point very soon we will get around to this, maybe…. If only to be able to better love ourselves and experience the confidence that comes from giving oneself a goal and then following through. How anyone manages to make this a priority when they have as many big dreams as I (we) do… I may never know. We also share many responsibilities together as well including 3 kids, 2 dogs, each our own jobs, home ownership, and her putting up with my labrador of a mind with a writer’s imagination and heart.

Our most key shared belief of importance is that when difficult situations arise you work them out together and enjoy the closeness that provides, rather than bailing via emotional affair or otherwise. We also thankfully, share the same values. I often tell her that I’ve failed enough at love to know quite well when I have gotten it right. I have finally gotten it right. Whether slowly on here, or all at once in the book, I hope to unlock with this blogging, the ability to tell the whole story.

Although there were several minor setbacks to getting here, we finally are. I had some kind of bizarre allergic reaction last night. We are unsure yet whether I’m developing a seafood allergy (this would be tragic), or if perhaps somehow cat got into my system. It was extremely unpleasant, my face was burning and one of my ears hot and swollen. We spent the evening icing me and keeping me comfortable. I had to not whine about the fact this is not what we had planned or the fact that if I am being honest I would acknowledge that my Crohn’s Disease may be brewing a storm for us.

A favorite quote by Author Rachel Wolchin…. “My entire life can be described in one sentence: it didn’t go as planned and that’s ok.” In the case of love, it’s easy to say now, that this turned out in the best possible way. Prior to this I could have told you how miserably I had navigated the waters of love. If that isn’t perspective…

I meant this post to be more about the getaway, but I suppose this writing is reflective of the true purpose of the excursion anyway: to reflect and reconnect to ourselves, and to one another. I hope everyone gets to feel this way.

Amidst the long walks and scouring of antique shops

stopping for a beer with the locals

the lake side views and decadent meals

strolling through the newly changing leaves

your hand in mine and near to your smile

new life is breathed into my soul

I am always grateful

 

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Curveballs

How do you manage when stress hits seemingly at the worst times?

Today went about as far against the plan as one could get. So my lovely person and I were supposed to go on a few day getaway courtesy of Groupon (I love Groupon getaways). After the immense planning it takes between business and family to be able to have the space to do this, amidst all of the stresses of regular everyday life, this becomes something at times our sanity nearly hinges on. Things to look forward to are of utmost importance in the scheme of getting through the more mundane, difficult, etc.

This morning began with one of my 13 year old twin daughters in a funk. That is putting it oh so nicely. For anyone out there who has lived through the tween phase and hormones you know what I mean. This included a full bout of door slamming and aggressive sighing. Attitude before sunrise (or coffee for that matter) is something that I have a more difficult time exercising patience about. Being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) one of my special instructions for care is to have some meditative time to ground myself before anything coming at me in the morning. I also have a tough time sleeping after intense emotional battles. This particular situation is just another aftershock in what has been a particularly difficult earthquake in our home. If it had ended here I would have taken awhile to ground again, but sadly it did not.

Our French Bulldog Sigmund Freud woke up with paraphimosis, a delighful condition in which the penis gets swollen and stuck outside the foreskin. It looks like a giant red strawberry, but I assure you there is nothing sweet about this. This is the 4th time he has had this issue. Each time after splendidly interesting DIY attempts to fix it, we have ended up at the Emergency Vet to the tune of around $300.00. We have been advised that Neutering him *might* fix the issue. That wasn’t convincing enough to schedule the appointment. I was also kind of hoping he might be able to be a Daddy someday. Sadly today that dream has ended. We were able to convince his vet to neuter him at the same time they fixed the problem. This was about $600.00. I just spent $200.00 the other day for an over-growth of yeast in his ears. Frenchies are a cute novelty, but very expensive. He’s safe and well by the way, seemingly pain free (and testicle free).

The financial piece just adds insult to the already burning injury of the fact we were supposed to pack this am at a leisurely pace and head to our destination. If you add difficulty with an ex-husband that could primarly be described as a power/ego struggle and having nothing to do with the best interest of the children, then it’s really a party.

So before I slip into too much angst again about this situation I will say that several years ago a few events like this would have made me behave really badly. I would have been snappy at those closest to me. Believed that the bottom would fall out from under me. Become so stressed that I became ill. I easily slipped into a Bruce Almightly like storm of feeling sorry for myself. Due to the level of overwhelm I often experience it’s easy to FEEL in a moment like you may not make it out alive, and I behaved as such.

In my 36th year I am thankfully learning that events like these, even piled on top of one another, do not in fact make the world stop turning. In fact I have even learned at times to laugh, yes laugh, when I have a day so absurdly bad that my eye begins to twitch. The one reprieve from the Universe (with a little help from my ability to ask for my needs) was that after describing today as one of the worst I ever experienced, the people at the INN took pity on us and moved our getaway one day over without charging anything extra. A RARE and valuable relief.

My dog is alive (bulldogs sometimes have a tough time with general anesthesia and this had also made me put off his neuter). My kids are healthy and relatively happy despite our occasional bouts of wills. While I would much rather use all these vet bills for a vacation to Ireland, I am able to pay them. And also nothing of mine has been destroyed by a hurricane or any other natural disaster. My practice thrives. I have amazing people in my life who support and love me. Surprisingly, not enough of my hair has fallen out (due to stress) to cause a noticeable difference. I do have a thick head full, thank goodness. 😉 Also I love what I do for my career and couldn’t imagine my life any other way.

So what do you do with the Curveballs life throws at you? Do you handle them gracefully? Do you kick and scream and fall apart? Do you feel sorry for yourself? Do you get angry and indignant? Are you able to roll with the punches and fairly quickly put things into perspective in such a way that you can move on quickly and not hang on too much to poisonous anger? How long does it take you to bounce back?

Some of my favorite coping mechanisms when I can’t shake feeling overwhelmed and like certain doom is on the horizon are:

A nice long hot shower (or bath). I find few things that can’t be fixed with them. It’s one of my favorite resets.

A cup of tea. I like honey lavendar stress relief by Yogi in particular.

Paying more attention to the simple things like forcing myself out of my head when I am walking the dogs. So that I notice the color of things, and the smells, a butterfly maybe, or an interesting looking bird. The simplicity of smiling at a neighbor.

Listening to music that is relaxing or speaks to my soul.

My absolute favorite though is the way my person lightens my heavy and weary soul during these times. How she knows how to let me vent and breathe. How she doesn’t instruct or try to fix everything. How she knows just how to calm me without doing anything intentionally. Her presence has become a safe harbor for all of my dark moments. Now that they are not taken personally or panicked over, they leave as fast as they come. They have shrunk in size and duration and I feel free of the angry beast that used to inhabit me when I was stressed or scared. I am beyond grateful for this. The effect ripples into everything that I am and that I do. I am a glass covered lake at dawn, still, calm, and transparent. Nothing to hide or worry about being discovered.

*note if you haven’t yet found this person in your life: romance yourself. Wine and dine YOU. Watch silly videos to laugh. Be your own harbor until you’re ready to settle into someone else being one.

What are your ways of coping with the unknown and stressful?

We are going to try again tomorrow. Right after therapy with my daughter, because practice what you preach 😉

Stay Tuned…..     <3

*Conclusion* Bad days make you look for, see, and appreciate the little things that much more.

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Writer Overwhelmed…

Writer OverWhelmed by Sarah Lentz

*Writer Overwhelmed by Sarah Lentz is the book that I am currently reading. It is simple and practical and the author self publishes. She seems to hit quite many nails on the head with regard to what can hold us back from getting out  our most treasured sentences, metaphors, thoughts… words. I may put little passages and quote her throughout. She also likes to design book covers.

My writing feels all balled up in my throat. It leaves a sad taste in my mouth everywhere that I go.

I’m having a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) moment, day, er week maybe. I was dangling on a Vyvanse string of hope and the frustrating result of that experiment has thrown me into a funk. 🙁 Hope is an understatement. I was excited beyond words that I have the willingness to explore this new possibility, primarily because I hoped it would help me be able to focus so I could organize my thoughts better to be able to write. Also as a recovering hypochondriac I was thinking that perhaps if my belief about medication has been adjusted then perhaps I really was just hyper-sensitive to every nuance, and now that I have grown around this that it could work. It’s very disappointing that it didn’t. I am not sure whether to try a lower dost of Vyvanse (or another type of the medication), or to take this as another piece of evidence that my inclination toward natural treatment is honestly my reality, and to embrace it. Where HSP comes in to play with this is that even if I find a medication that doesn’t give me a severe migraine, I am well aware of the high/sense of euphoria that this medication created. As an HSP the high’s feel higher, and the lows feel lower.  So for me personally it seems easier to stay balanced by managing this with coping mechanisms and self-knowledge versus with pharmacology. It’s always the hard way with me, or it feels that way anyway. I am working currently as seeing that not as a bad thing, and recognizing the gifts in it.

I began this post a couple of days ago and what happens is that when I am not in my magical cloud of inspiration, I seem to not be able to pick up and continue. I will read what I wrote over and over and stare blankly into space. Then during a session today the person said something about doing well at something because it came from their heart. This statement was a reminder of something that I hold sacred as a part of my belief system. People don’t care about how much you know, they care about how much you care. I can’t think of a single thing I have read where you can actually feel the author’s experience that hasn’t proved to be powerful for me in some way. I certainly did not want to stop reading it. So if this is the key then maybe I don’t need to be all figured out with my writing. What it seems like I need to do is write about things close to my heart, let that speak for itself, and allow my work to take shape. In other words “Rome wasn’t built in a day”, so I need to adjust my expectations and just keep going.

So for now I have 3 books I am looking at about ADHD and I will just continue on with my self-work, and with my writing….

Thanks for reading…

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Pharmaceuticals are Not My Friend

One of my biggest battles in life is trusting the system of Western Medicine and going against my urge toward Naturopathic medicine. This became of particular interest when I was very sick prior to my diagnosis of Crohn’s Disease. I was put on medications such as steroids (Entocort) and 6mp (death). I had terrible migraines and all kinds of other systems. So it should come as not surprise that when I got put on Humira for my Crohn’s I was terrified. The fact that it put me into remission and while it does have some undesirable effects, it has changed my life for the better makes this battle extra confusing. During the time I got diagnosed I was extremely stressed and unhappy in all other areas of my life, so it has been tempting to want to not put any “chemical” into my body. And yet… if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Humira is tricky because if you come off of it, it may never work the same for you.

I have a long history of medication being something I seek when I want the road to feel a little less rocky. Not wanting to always tough things out on my own. There is something about my system personally with regard to hormones and neurochemicals in my brain. This is absolutely to do with being a Highly Sensitive Person. Doctor’s would treat me like I was crazy that I couldn’t be feeling this or that on a medication, but I know how I felt. Two different attempts at birth control and they turned me into a lunatic, and I had to come off right away. Also after having my son I went to a Doctor because I felt sad, and came home with Paxil, and at one other place in my journey it was Lexapro. Both had horrific effects for me. I couldn’t feel either thing happy or sad, and I had all sorts of weird symptoms, the worst for me was not sleeping for 2 weeks with severe racing thoughts.

Since I am a Clinician organizing my thoughts around this is extra important. People often seek me out for information on whether they should try a medication or not. Everyone’s body is different so I keep my experience aside and just share both sides of the education. The potential side effects and how to be cautious and that for some people they report they work quite well. In my personal mind I often try to sort through landing on a belief system. Perhaps the reason I cannot do this is because it is different for each individual. I think I would be more comfortable personally at least if I had one solid belief. We human beings certainly do try to minimize our discomfort at all costs.

Anyway as you may have read I decided after all this time to give a medication a chance again. I thought maybe because I am not a hypochondriac anymore, or because I have been able to be on Humira and it works that perhaps I could find some relief for my ADHD in Vyvanse. I took my first pill yesterday. It was a Saturday and I had a day full of Client’s and my son’s birthday party later so I was very apprehensive, but I also didn’t want to be unrealistically scared. People take this all the time right. Well during the day I felt amazing, a clarity I have never felt before. I was absolutely focused and my mind was quiet from all the chatter. I could have cried. I did I think.

However, later on I began to notice some weird symptoms. My ears popping and ringing especially from going to standing after a sitting position. I tried to just ignore it thinking I’m making things up (I often attempt to invalidate my experience, this is a deeply rooted battle for me). Then later on I began to develop a really bad headache. I have done all my reading so I drank plenty of water (a ton actually), didn’t have caffeine, did all the “right” things… you know. I took tylenol for the headache and proceeded forward. I also had some pretty awful heartburn that isn’t a usual thing for me and a lot of nausea. I was thinking that I would be willing to suffer some side effects and keep giving it a shot at this point, but I was pretty discouraged. Until I woke up Sunday morning with the worst migraine I have ever had in my entire life (and I’ve had some pretty bad ones).

I battled it all day yesterday. It got to the point where I almost went to the hospital. The waves of discomfort were almost unbearable. I was only getting tiny moments of relief here and there. The emotional aspect of this was crushing to me. Part of being Highly Sensitive is that you feel everything in full technicolor. I had been so excited at this hope, that I was able to follow through with the appointments and keep pursuing this, and then the feeling of the medication. The migraine was so severe I will probably never touch that medication again, even if someone attempted to convince me that the side effects would pass. The other problem with this if you try to ride through them is that if it stays bad you always have to wean off the stuff. 🙁 If you lift me very high, the comedown is equally if not more low. That is a thing about me. This is why even with my family history etc I am not in danger of abusing any substance because I am so keenly aware of every nuance in my body. I can’t even smoke pot, and sometimes the joy people seem to report on the stuff makes me wish that I could. But even the handful of times I have done that in my life it just makes me feel off in a way that is unpleasant.

So the result for me is that I do not like my mental state to be altered whatsoever. I have such a completely sensitive system and thus far finding natural things, and doing the cognitive and behavioral work to change things seems to work for me. I often wish there was an easier answer or a little more relief, because I do “white knuckle” it a lot with these things. Then there is also the piece of second guessing myself on if I actually have something or don’t. It’s really a lot to try and figure out, but I am learning more each day. And one of my greatest strengths is that even after the hardest situations I’m typically ready to jump right back up and try something else if one thing hasn’t worked.

So back to the drawing board on my approach to ADHD. Some people would try another med. Whether it is that I just know myself so intimately, or because I am already exhausted from that process with Crohn’s, I think ultimately my path is this way for a reason. In the past I am tempted to feel sorry for myself or say things like why are things so hard for me every step of the way. But at this point that all just seems silly. I am made to come up against these challenges so I can learn and then be able to share that knowledge.

Stay tuned…