I believe I had promised at one point that I would be talking more about my trauma in coming posts. And since my follow through has improved dramatically as a result of the grounding that occurs from my trauma work, here it is. Here I am.
I am connecting so many dots recently with regard to my early childhood experiences and who I am today, and how that has impacted particularly the events of the last couple of years of my life.
A recent trauma in getting a large area of my arm tattooed has given way to some more realizations. So here’s the process around me getting this tattoo. I have always been drawn and attracted to sleeves on others, but unable to picture one on me. I use all sorts of reasoning to deny myself the very expression that unlocks my healing and therefore my creativity.
So recently I’m freeing my spirit enough to go after these things, but when I get to the overwhelming parts I often freeze or fly. All or nothing to a fault. So on the brink of this sleeve I was anxious and restless for days. So many what if’s. What if I hate my own arm after, what if it doesn’t come out exactly as I want, what if what if, what if I get in a lot of pain and can’t finish it. What if there’s a complication because of my autoimmune disease. What a silly notion because I’ve been living with so many different kinds of pain my whole life. I am not a stranger to it, nor faint of heart.
In any case I was emotional the day of, and absolutely terrified. I went anyway and found it to be relaxing, enjoyable, and that I had a ton of support, children and loved ones stopped by and cheered me on. I am seen and loved, and my kids were excited for me. They were not judgmental or unkind to me, the way I am with myself. I hadn’t realized how much. No one but me said anything unkind to me!
I’ve made all these strides in the way I live, but the way I think is often still trapped in old ways. I am working on moving those energies now.
So I end up also putting a whole other piece I did not even expect that evening. 3 plus hours of tattooing and an ink well that had quite an intense amount of shading and color in a sensitive area. It’s beautiful I love it….
So I wake up the next day and am examining my new arm, working on falling in love, ignoring the imperfections, and seeing the whole and the experience for what it is…. I had clients all day and dinner with my favorite man. It was Thursday after all…. And during dinner my arm begins to ache…. I wondered if perhaps I had held it funny but this was something that just came on.
Electric currents of pain begin to flow up and down my arm in waves. It begins to intensify. Aching, jolting…. I go home try to take something and I’ve been so exhausted from all the excitement I think I’ll sleep it off. The pain worsens and I can’t get comfortable and I’m beginning to get nauseous and shaky from it. This pain was no less than a foot surgery in 2009 where they cut through bone. And the thoughts that went through my mind. What could possibly cause this kind of pain besides something very serious.
I knew I was taking a higher risk as someone with an autoimmune disease, and why would I increase my chances of anything being harder in our lives. But then I dismiss all that and think it’s anxiety and I’m dedicated to confronting my fears as a way of living. So I think I’m being a bad ass and so excited and proud only to be struck with this.
And this is one of my major areas of work. It is so unthinkable for me that I could be safe, deserving, and have things I want without retribution. There was always a punishment after I got a need met. Never safe and secure. So energetically the minute I get something I want or need, right after something bad happens, and I can’t break out of this cycle and thinking until I can break through this pattern. The rug is always pulled out, something always comes crashing down. The belief perpetuates the action, until I break through. And damnit you know that I will.
What happens when an unstoppable force meets with an immovable object? Transformation that’s what. I never knew how to answer that question and now I do. My lived experience taught me, and now of course I want to watch Imagine Me and You….
All the horrible thoughts arrive. As my energy healer said not only were you in pain but then also you were suffering. My thoughts were causing me a great deal of suffering and they were trauma responses. This swift change from exciting to terror set off all my trauma triggers.
No matter where I go or what I do I will always be something wrong or bad or doing something wrong or bad. It’s so deeply ingrained in there. So on top of being in pain, horrible thoughts raking through my insides with white hot pain.
Then on top of everything taken care of by someone I have hurt. Christina you hurt also. You were in the equation and how wonderful each of you could find forgiveness for the other that you could each allow this moment.
I am relentless on myself. Relentless. I do not allow me to have all the normal things a human being does. I am always at fault and always responsible.
My relationship with myself needs to change. It’s still so harsh and judgmental, and I am still so lost to the generosity and compassion I so easily offer others.
The next morning to my surprise I was alive and it felt much better. I will say if I didn’t have leftover pain medication from my ablation I would have needed to go to the emergency room. and now hopefully I can just laugh at my tenacity and enthusiasm that often takes for granted my own needs. I am working towards getting better at recognizing and honoring them.
Needless to say we will go for shorter sessions even though I’m quite capable of the long ones in the moment, it’s the after effects sometimes you must watch out for. 😉 what is living if not for learning.
I expected to talk more about my trauma either I’m avoiding the specifics…. Wait a minute. I just did. I plan on getting down/out some of the reasons I’m so far removed from my own reality, trusting my own lived experience.
It will all make sense when you hear more about my childhood, and it’s interesting how having a therapist who keeps all your story, can help you see the blind spots. She sees me better than I see myself, and through the process I can become known to me.
For now I’m enjoying my new creativity and attempts at self expression. It’s taken a lifetime to get back to the self that was taken from me at such a young age. The pursuit of this was always necessary and through judgments all it has made me look is selfish. Selfish for something necessary. Always out of order the chronology of me is an interesting thing…..
There are so many places I could be judged as selfish, but the worst of all is it I betray my own knowing by what other people think. I’m not selfish. I am generous and compassionate and considerate and loving. But I was never going to have any stable ground under my feet or operate dependably, consistently…. To be able to maintain…. Without a relationship with myself in tow. It was not possible and I did not know that.
Forgiveness…..