My irritability is a symptom, my reactivity is a symptom, my intimidating is a symptom, my being hard on myself is a symptom, so I didn’t slip off the edge of the cliff into an infinite abyss of depression. It felt like the only way to not drown in my own sorrow. It was my coping mechanism and is a symptom. These are not choices folks.
And yet we well meaningly tell people what they should do. Just think less. Are you fucking kidding me, think less. If only I could. A clear and present mind is a privilege. If you have one call your supportive parents and thank them, for doing a good enough job.
Even as I make these posts there is shame. Don’t be too loud about your pain. It’s self indulgent to be able to speak your truth out loud. It’s taking. It’s bad. It’s shameful.
Do you know how painful it is to think of someone being afraid of me? That me being direct is intimidating? You know what’s intimidating? Emotional abuse where it looks a certain way on the outside and is different inside.
For me being direct is safe. Being transparent. My strong is a symptom. Just because someone’s demeanor is strong and direct does not mean their heart and mind are not in the right place.
Strong on the outside, puddle of goo on the inside, and never the two should meet. Except they must, and now they are. And I am attempting to reach an equilibrium with this reunification burning fresh like pink scars shining in the sun.
There are different ways to be loving. I love by working hard at connecting the dots from my now functioning to my experiences, and there’s so much grief attached to that. That each trip in sometimes leaves me with illness for days. This is not rumination. Not mental masturbation. Not any of the judgments. This is necessary.
It was always going to be necessary that I received love to be able to give it, and I’m trying to do that now. I just expanded my sources from one romantic partner, and all the pressure on them, not even knowing, I didn’t know either. To receiving from and abundance of resources that also receive by giving. My energy healer being a number one source.
Loving healing touch, time, and attention. So I can give that also to my children. I work so hard and so fast because I’m determined in this lifetime to be a parent I didn’t have, and as it turned out that’s a lot harder than I realized.
It has taken a long time to realize I can do this with love and lovingly, and it’s not just the realization again you can’t squeeze water from a stone. It has taken a ton of healing.
I’m on my way…. Watch me….I love my children enough to burn and rewire. Enough to take a thousand trips into hell instead of living on the surface. I love them in such a way where I want them to be exactly who they are, and I want to give more than I take. And with my life to be able to accomplish that is nothing short of a miracle….
Growing up in a household with CPTSD https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/what-is-cptsd