Tag: #notalone

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Untangling my emotions about senseless violence…

There are a great many things I have been inspired to write about since my last post. Certainly there were more events during my getaway that were worth recalling and sharing. Also there have been many hurdles in the parenting arena for me to scale as of late. However, the thing I absolutely cannot just brush past to be able to access any of those, is this mornings newest episode of senseless MASS violence. My heart is aching audibly this morning. As I scan past the many different reactions from people on my social media platforms I am spending some time sorting through my emotions.

You see we have to make a choice about where we want to land with all our feelings and thoughts. I always say it isn’t the lengths or depths of where our mind takes us, but the choices about which thoughts to hold close and encourage, and  which to hold and comfort perhaps, but also let pass on. Which do we breathe life into, and which do we create space for but not want to hold too tightly or make a part of ourselves. Our thoughts can very easily become beliefs, and core beliefs are very powerful operants in our lives. Our ego can even subconsciously expend much energy in an attempt to fulfill these beliefs.

Quietly reverent I am here trying to sort through this mess. As an empath for me the easiest thing to do would be to separate myself from this altogether. To just remain far removed as emotionally, as I am physically from the event itself. This just seems unfair to those who are not afforded the ability to do so. As if my solidarity can be lent in the time I give of myself to imagine the suffering in the hearts of those directly and those of us indirectly affected. The truth is that this could have been any of us this is happening to. An even bigger question is how not to lump this in with the current political climate and become even more embittered.

There was a period of time in my personal life that I actually traumatized myself by “going too far into the shoes of those experiencing such events”. I was persuing my Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology at the time of the Colorado Movie Theater Shooting. I was trying to experience the full spectrum of humanity and it felt disingenous to my degree to not explore the dark sides as thoroughly as the light. I poured over headlines and devoured anything on the topic I could find, My mind sought understanding around these events. In an attempt to walk myself through them I began to imagine what it might have felt like to think you were just going to a showing of a movie and suddenly someone get’s up and begins to shoot. What would I feel like? How terrified? Would I be brave or would I be a chicken? What might it feel like for a bullet to burn through my skin. I imagine even worse the anticipation that at any moment this could happen. I allowed my mind to play with all possibility, and as a result I couldn’t see a movie without having a panic attack for a very long time. I also couldn’t attend a fun loving event like a St. Patrick’s Day parade with my children in tow, without wondering if perhaps this time we would be the unlucky ones. What I ended up finding is that if you let yourself identify too much you can easily run the risk of never leaving your home.

So the question here is what does one do with events like these? How do we make sense of them? How do we offer up our care and concern, while also protecting ourselves? If we become too disheartened we cannot be helpful. My Grandpa always used to say “if you aren’t part of the solution then you are part of the problem”. I didn’t love hearing it then, but I often use it in my practice now.

It feels unfair that I can sit and contemplate my fitness journey and the fact that I made it to the gym this morning. It feels like it somehow pales in comparison. There are several hundred people (minimum) who woke up this morning with their lives deeply affected by tragedy.

As I sit with my feelings on this the answer the floats most closely to the surface seems to be focusing on the courage of people. At a more micro level for example, a session with a client who is celebrating the anniversary of a child’s death. Someone taken long before they should have been. I have a deep appreciation for the courage in human beings. Their brave hearts beat a decibel above the throbbing pain, somehow keeping it just manageable. We get but a series of profound moments in our lives, a collection if you will. My heart is deeply saddened that the people affected by this tragedy have added such dark ones to their’s.

Edit: And of course directly after this 2 important things happened. One: Courtney came for lunch with me and we laughed and played with Sig (my frenchbulldog). It got me out of my head. I am grateful. Two: The first thing I pulled up after our lunch date were lovely words from Brene Brown (one of my 2 main spirit animals). She says “1. Prayer + civic action are not mutually exclusive. Join me in both. 2. Step away from social media coverage and toward real people for support, action, conversation, and being with each other in collective pain. Keep informed, bud don’t stay glued. Our Secondary trauma will not make us better helpers – it shuts us down and sends us into self-protection and blame-finding.”

Absolutely lovely. This is basically what I was trying to say through my process.  Elizabeth Gilbert posted her words. In this way I am able to feel collective in my pain. My spirit animals are out there also in the trenches of this tragedy with me. My heart is comforted.

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Curveballs

How do you manage when stress hits seemingly at the worst times?

Today went about as far against the plan as one could get. So my lovely person and I were supposed to go on a few day getaway courtesy of Groupon (I love Groupon getaways). After the immense planning it takes between business and family to be able to have the space to do this, amidst all of the stresses of regular everyday life, this becomes something at times our sanity nearly hinges on. Things to look forward to are of utmost importance in the scheme of getting through the more mundane, difficult, etc.

This morning began with one of my 13 year old twin daughters in a funk. That is putting it oh so nicely. For anyone out there who has lived through the tween phase and hormones you know what I mean. This included a full bout of door slamming and aggressive sighing. Attitude before sunrise (or coffee for that matter) is something that I have a more difficult time exercising patience about. Being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) one of my special instructions for care is to have some meditative time to ground myself before anything coming at me in the morning. I also have a tough time sleeping after intense emotional battles. This particular situation is just another aftershock in what has been a particularly difficult earthquake in our home. If it had ended here I would have taken awhile to ground again, but sadly it did not.

Our French Bulldog Sigmund Freud woke up with paraphimosis, a delighful condition in which the penis gets swollen and stuck outside the foreskin. It looks like a giant red strawberry, but I assure you there is nothing sweet about this. This is the 4th time he has had this issue. Each time after splendidly interesting DIY attempts to fix it, we have ended up at the Emergency Vet to the tune of around $300.00. We have been advised that Neutering him *might* fix the issue. That wasn’t convincing enough to schedule the appointment. I was also kind of hoping he might be able to be a Daddy someday. Sadly today that dream has ended. We were able to convince his vet to neuter him at the same time they fixed the problem. This was about $600.00. I just spent $200.00 the other day for an over-growth of yeast in his ears. Frenchies are a cute novelty, but very expensive. He’s safe and well by the way, seemingly pain free (and testicle free).

The financial piece just adds insult to the already burning injury of the fact we were supposed to pack this am at a leisurely pace and head to our destination. If you add difficulty with an ex-husband that could primarly be described as a power/ego struggle and having nothing to do with the best interest of the children, then it’s really a party.

So before I slip into too much angst again about this situation I will say that several years ago a few events like this would have made me behave really badly. I would have been snappy at those closest to me. Believed that the bottom would fall out from under me. Become so stressed that I became ill. I easily slipped into a Bruce Almightly like storm of feeling sorry for myself. Due to the level of overwhelm I often experience it’s easy to FEEL in a moment like you may not make it out alive, and I behaved as such.

In my 36th year I am thankfully learning that events like these, even piled on top of one another, do not in fact make the world stop turning. In fact I have even learned at times to laugh, yes laugh, when I have a day so absurdly bad that my eye begins to twitch. The one reprieve from the Universe (with a little help from my ability to ask for my needs) was that after describing today as one of the worst I ever experienced, the people at the INN took pity on us and moved our getaway one day over without charging anything extra. A RARE and valuable relief.

My dog is alive (bulldogs sometimes have a tough time with general anesthesia and this had also made me put off his neuter). My kids are healthy and relatively happy despite our occasional bouts of wills. While I would much rather use all these vet bills for a vacation to Ireland, I am able to pay them. And also nothing of mine has been destroyed by a hurricane or any other natural disaster. My practice thrives. I have amazing people in my life who support and love me. Surprisingly, not enough of my hair has fallen out (due to stress) to cause a noticeable difference. I do have a thick head full, thank goodness. 😉 Also I love what I do for my career and couldn’t imagine my life any other way.

So what do you do with the Curveballs life throws at you? Do you handle them gracefully? Do you kick and scream and fall apart? Do you feel sorry for yourself? Do you get angry and indignant? Are you able to roll with the punches and fairly quickly put things into perspective in such a way that you can move on quickly and not hang on too much to poisonous anger? How long does it take you to bounce back?

Some of my favorite coping mechanisms when I can’t shake feeling overwhelmed and like certain doom is on the horizon are:

A nice long hot shower (or bath). I find few things that can’t be fixed with them. It’s one of my favorite resets.

A cup of tea. I like honey lavendar stress relief by Yogi in particular.

Paying more attention to the simple things like forcing myself out of my head when I am walking the dogs. So that I notice the color of things, and the smells, a butterfly maybe, or an interesting looking bird. The simplicity of smiling at a neighbor.

Listening to music that is relaxing or speaks to my soul.

My absolute favorite though is the way my person lightens my heavy and weary soul during these times. How she knows how to let me vent and breathe. How she doesn’t instruct or try to fix everything. How she knows just how to calm me without doing anything intentionally. Her presence has become a safe harbor for all of my dark moments. Now that they are not taken personally or panicked over, they leave as fast as they come. They have shrunk in size and duration and I feel free of the angry beast that used to inhabit me when I was stressed or scared. I am beyond grateful for this. The effect ripples into everything that I am and that I do. I am a glass covered lake at dawn, still, calm, and transparent. Nothing to hide or worry about being discovered.

*note if you haven’t yet found this person in your life: romance yourself. Wine and dine YOU. Watch silly videos to laugh. Be your own harbor until you’re ready to settle into someone else being one.

What are your ways of coping with the unknown and stressful?

We are going to try again tomorrow. Right after therapy with my daughter, because practice what you preach 😉

Stay Tuned…..     <3

*Conclusion* Bad days make you look for, see, and appreciate the little things that much more.

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Writer Overwhelmed…

Writer OverWhelmed by Sarah Lentz

*Writer Overwhelmed by Sarah Lentz is the book that I am currently reading. It is simple and practical and the author self publishes. She seems to hit quite many nails on the head with regard to what can hold us back from getting out  our most treasured sentences, metaphors, thoughts… words. I may put little passages and quote her throughout. She also likes to design book covers.

My writing feels all balled up in my throat. It leaves a sad taste in my mouth everywhere that I go.

I’m having a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) moment, day, er week maybe. I was dangling on a Vyvanse string of hope and the frustrating result of that experiment has thrown me into a funk. 🙁 Hope is an understatement. I was excited beyond words that I have the willingness to explore this new possibility, primarily because I hoped it would help me be able to focus so I could organize my thoughts better to be able to write. Also as a recovering hypochondriac I was thinking that perhaps if my belief about medication has been adjusted then perhaps I really was just hyper-sensitive to every nuance, and now that I have grown around this that it could work. It’s very disappointing that it didn’t. I am not sure whether to try a lower dost of Vyvanse (or another type of the medication), or to take this as another piece of evidence that my inclination toward natural treatment is honestly my reality, and to embrace it. Where HSP comes in to play with this is that even if I find a medication that doesn’t give me a severe migraine, I am well aware of the high/sense of euphoria that this medication created. As an HSP the high’s feel higher, and the lows feel lower.  So for me personally it seems easier to stay balanced by managing this with coping mechanisms and self-knowledge versus with pharmacology. It’s always the hard way with me, or it feels that way anyway. I am working currently as seeing that not as a bad thing, and recognizing the gifts in it.

I began this post a couple of days ago and what happens is that when I am not in my magical cloud of inspiration, I seem to not be able to pick up and continue. I will read what I wrote over and over and stare blankly into space. Then during a session today the person said something about doing well at something because it came from their heart. This statement was a reminder of something that I hold sacred as a part of my belief system. People don’t care about how much you know, they care about how much you care. I can’t think of a single thing I have read where you can actually feel the author’s experience that hasn’t proved to be powerful for me in some way. I certainly did not want to stop reading it. So if this is the key then maybe I don’t need to be all figured out with my writing. What it seems like I need to do is write about things close to my heart, let that speak for itself, and allow my work to take shape. In other words “Rome wasn’t built in a day”, so I need to adjust my expectations and just keep going.

So for now I have 3 books I am looking at about ADHD and I will just continue on with my self-work, and with my writing….

Thanks for reading…

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Pharmaceuticals are Not My Friend

One of my biggest battles in life is trusting the system of Western Medicine and going against my urge toward Naturopathic medicine. This became of particular interest when I was very sick prior to my diagnosis of Crohn’s Disease. I was put on medications such as steroids (Entocort) and 6mp (death). I had terrible migraines and all kinds of other systems. So it should come as not surprise that when I got put on Humira for my Crohn’s I was terrified. The fact that it put me into remission and while it does have some undesirable effects, it has changed my life for the better makes this battle extra confusing. During the time I got diagnosed I was extremely stressed and unhappy in all other areas of my life, so it has been tempting to want to not put any “chemical” into my body. And yet… if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Humira is tricky because if you come off of it, it may never work the same for you.

I have a long history of medication being something I seek when I want the road to feel a little less rocky. Not wanting to always tough things out on my own. There is something about my system personally with regard to hormones and neurochemicals in my brain. This is absolutely to do with being a Highly Sensitive Person. Doctor’s would treat me like I was crazy that I couldn’t be feeling this or that on a medication, but I know how I felt. Two different attempts at birth control and they turned me into a lunatic, and I had to come off right away. Also after having my son I went to a Doctor because I felt sad, and came home with Paxil, and at one other place in my journey it was Lexapro. Both had horrific effects for me. I couldn’t feel either thing happy or sad, and I had all sorts of weird symptoms, the worst for me was not sleeping for 2 weeks with severe racing thoughts.

Since I am a Clinician organizing my thoughts around this is extra important. People often seek me out for information on whether they should try a medication or not. Everyone’s body is different so I keep my experience aside and just share both sides of the education. The potential side effects and how to be cautious and that for some people they report they work quite well. In my personal mind I often try to sort through landing on a belief system. Perhaps the reason I cannot do this is because it is different for each individual. I think I would be more comfortable personally at least if I had one solid belief. We human beings certainly do try to minimize our discomfort at all costs.

Anyway as you may have read I decided after all this time to give a medication a chance again. I thought maybe because I am not a hypochondriac anymore, or because I have been able to be on Humira and it works that perhaps I could find some relief for my ADHD in Vyvanse. I took my first pill yesterday. It was a Saturday and I had a day full of Client’s and my son’s birthday party later so I was very apprehensive, but I also didn’t want to be unrealistically scared. People take this all the time right. Well during the day I felt amazing, a clarity I have never felt before. I was absolutely focused and my mind was quiet from all the chatter. I could have cried. I did I think.

However, later on I began to notice some weird symptoms. My ears popping and ringing especially from going to standing after a sitting position. I tried to just ignore it thinking I’m making things up (I often attempt to invalidate my experience, this is a deeply rooted battle for me). Then later on I began to develop a really bad headache. I have done all my reading so I drank plenty of water (a ton actually), didn’t have caffeine, did all the “right” things… you know. I took tylenol for the headache and proceeded forward. I also had some pretty awful heartburn that isn’t a usual thing for me and a lot of nausea. I was thinking that I would be willing to suffer some side effects and keep giving it a shot at this point, but I was pretty discouraged. Until I woke up Sunday morning with the worst migraine I have ever had in my entire life (and I’ve had some pretty bad ones).

I battled it all day yesterday. It got to the point where I almost went to the hospital. The waves of discomfort were almost unbearable. I was only getting tiny moments of relief here and there. The emotional aspect of this was crushing to me. Part of being Highly Sensitive is that you feel everything in full technicolor. I had been so excited at this hope, that I was able to follow through with the appointments and keep pursuing this, and then the feeling of the medication. The migraine was so severe I will probably never touch that medication again, even if someone attempted to convince me that the side effects would pass. The other problem with this if you try to ride through them is that if it stays bad you always have to wean off the stuff. 🙁 If you lift me very high, the comedown is equally if not more low. That is a thing about me. This is why even with my family history etc I am not in danger of abusing any substance because I am so keenly aware of every nuance in my body. I can’t even smoke pot, and sometimes the joy people seem to report on the stuff makes me wish that I could. But even the handful of times I have done that in my life it just makes me feel off in a way that is unpleasant.

So the result for me is that I do not like my mental state to be altered whatsoever. I have such a completely sensitive system and thus far finding natural things, and doing the cognitive and behavioral work to change things seems to work for me. I often wish there was an easier answer or a little more relief, because I do “white knuckle” it a lot with these things. Then there is also the piece of second guessing myself on if I actually have something or don’t. It’s really a lot to try and figure out, but I am learning more each day. And one of my greatest strengths is that even after the hardest situations I’m typically ready to jump right back up and try something else if one thing hasn’t worked.

So back to the drawing board on my approach to ADHD. Some people would try another med. Whether it is that I just know myself so intimately, or because I am already exhausted from that process with Crohn’s, I think ultimately my path is this way for a reason. In the past I am tempted to feel sorry for myself or say things like why are things so hard for me every step of the way. But at this point that all just seems silly. I am made to come up against these challenges so I can learn and then be able to share that knowledge.

Stay tuned…

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ADHD Update from My Appointment Today….

 

“No matter how much you want to force yourself to pay attention boredom allows curiosity to find the key and open the dungeon door, allowing attention to escape and find some interesting place to visit.” – Dr. Edward M. Hallowell

So I went to my appointment with the Neurologist. I took a Quotient test, which was really interesting. You can learn about it here. http://www.quotient-adhd.com/product/product-overview/

I was diagnosed officially. I begin Vyvanse tomorrow. I am very hopeful and really interested to see how this turns out. I have a history of heart palpitations and a tendency to freak out if I feel jittery or like my heart is beating irregularly at all, so I am truly hoping none of that occurs. Medication and I do not have a good history together.

The possibility that I might be able to not feel as overwhelmed and the relief of anxiety and irritability of not being able to even begin something is nearly unimaginable. It is only with a great amount of research that I have realized that I feel a lot of my life has been largely effected by ADHD. One of the most important things that I want to change is the ability to sit and listen to my kids in such a way that they can FEEL my interest. My mind tends to wander and I zone out in almost all situations unless there is a huge motivating factor present. It pains me to say this would happen so much with my children, but it is usually the result of being pulled in so many directions at once that I become too over-stimulated to listen as well as I would like to. One of the reasons I am so successful in my practice is that the need of the client captures my attention like few other things do. There is definitely an amount of guilt that it doesn’t work the same way with my kids, especially when having such a hard time makes me irritable on top of things.

This ADHD has been in the background of all aspects of my life, and I really didn’t understand until more recently how profound an impact it has had. I had no idea that people who suffer from ADHD have lower levels of dopamine as well. This makes sense why mood can also be highly effected. At times I feel like a crazy person, and again get PMS in there as well and forget about it.

As I am writing this I am scanning articles for evidence of some of the difficulties of ADHD in relationships. I had no idea how much ADHD has been responsible for a lot of my difficulty in that department. Speaking of that a huge force that is making my life incredible right now is my partner, Courtney. This is the first time I have been with someone that embraces me so well that I have been able to have the space to realize these things. Prior to this my relationships were filled with such strife that they basically took up any energy I had and then some. Our number one secret in love: We give one another tons and tons of space to be who the person is without reactivity, defensiveness, or judgement. This again will be an entirely separate blog post, but for now I just have to say that I wouldn’t even be figuring this out or getting the support that I need in the way that I am without this new chapter with her.

I throw so much information at this woman on any given day. I send her lengthy e-mails, many text messages, every article I find interesting (which is a lot), voice memo’s, and any possible whim of an emotion that I may have. In addition to this we have a group chat with my 3 children that is often abuzz full of information to sort through.  She has not once over the course of our relationship sent across the message verbally or otherwise that I am being too much. This was life changing for me. I have shared with her I would often have partners scan the length of something I sent before even digging in, and already be commenting on it, as if it is so much work. I can share every single aspect of my mind in it’s entirety with her, and the only result of this is that she seems to somehow love me that much more. I don’t know how I got so lucky.

An excerpt from an article on ADHD and relationships:

PRACTICE

COMPASSION

“This is indispensable within any relationship. A person with ADHD often feels disappointed, overwhelmed, and frustrated. When a person with ADHD appears to be acting selfishly, it may be that he or she is feeling overwhelmed with their own thoughts. ADHD takes up a lot of mental and emotional bandwidth. It’s exhausting and often the ADHDer is struggling to get through the next task. Slow down, be compassionate, and refrain from judgment. Your ADHD loved one will respond lovingly to your kindness.

An ADHD relationship requires patience and compassion, at times more than other relationships. Understanding what it feels like to have ADHD- without judgment- will help both partners stay on the same page and allow you to regain a peaceful, happy home.

The more love you give, the more you will receive.”

Source: https://add.org/six-secrets-to-a-happy-adhd-relationship/

 

Thanks for listening everyone. I look forward to bringing you guys along for my journey through this, and welcome any comment or sharing of your experiences on here as well.