Tag: #lovedoneright

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Sourdough and Life Lessons

*so I wrote this this morning, after a lovely walk to the local farmer’s market with daughter and dog. The perfect amount of vitamin D and then back indoors so I am not ravaged.

I cannot wait to see what Esther Perel has to say about the Coldplay thing. That’s what I’m looking forward to an educated and empathic response. 

I hurt for the people hurting. 🙁 

I am trying to learn to be a person who is concerned with all kinds of hurts not just who is right and wrong. Though I’m very far from perfect at that. It’s a striving not a Destination. 

I want to be someone who has something intelligent and helpful to say about things, rather than divisive, judgmental or unkind. 

To slow down and better understand my own needs and honor them so I am present…. 

What I have learned very hard over the last five years is life does not unfold in binaries, black and white, right and wrong. It’s a Series of choices with outcomes both of which is complex and filled with light and dark aspects. 

I’m learning how to be more of a humanist than I have been in the past. Which means to me holding space for the complexities of a human journey. 

I have learned a lot of times it’s pain that teaches you the most. About how to be kind and less judgmental in general. Pain has taught me a great deal. 

And to not be the cause of someone else’s to the best of my ability I need to know myself. My light and my dark, my story and my history, all of it. I spend a great deal of time doing that now.

The poet Andrea Gibson with a heart larger than the ocean, and a beautiful mind, died this past week. That is on my mind often and heavy in my heart. 

When one is a poet / writer, we mourn our allies who are no longer with us. Our kindreds. My heart is sad that I won’t get to read anything new by her. I was only barely getting to know her. But I can through the legacy she left in the lives of others. I hope to do the same 🫶🏼

That’s what I wrote:

I’m reading The Dry Season by Melissa Febos and Grief is for the people, and mating in captivity, and how we live is how we die by Pema Chodron. See unedited this is how I write. Sometimes I capitalize sometimes I don’t…

Sourdough requires consistency, to slow down and feel what you’re doing and make tiny adjustments.

I came home with starter from the Jenkins. Learned how to bake it, quite accidentally. I didn’t overthink or under think. I just slowly did, one thing at a time.

I think I’ll prefer life like that as much as I can muster, from now on.

From now on immediately made me think of the greatest showman…. Sigh

Anyhow it’s a beautiful Saturday. I’ll spend some time alone and some with both of my daughters, and some with my partner later when she gets home from helping a friend.

Slow. I am doing everything slow. With mindfulness. With Intention. With play. With rest. With a calm mind.

This is all I have ever wanted really. Oh and like a million other things, that may all feel better now because I am no longer a walking talking coping mechanism with self long ago frozen on ice somewhere deep inside.

All my love,

C

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Spanaway Washington and Sequim. Who could have dreamt it….

Mount Rainier

So here I am from the bath…. At the Jenkins. I smell lemon and of it, lightly scented.

My crystals surrounding me in the bath tub. my only gripe is the whiter than white lights and a supreme lack of veggies and healthy food in my life, which I will remedy today. As well as movement. Travel can really mess that up, as well as quality sleep. But it doesn’t have to. I must learn to pack individual smoothie portions.

I started reading In Love with The World by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. A man born into meditation royalty sets out to make himself uncomfortable so he can better get to know his mind and essence.

I’m about half way through The Emperor of Gladness by Ocean Vuong. It’s wonderful so far. I also brought Old Souls for reading as well.

Yesterday was loud to say the least. It was also beautiful in so many ways. I began the day with tears of gratitude for the love the Jenkins family has always bestowed upon me oh so naturally. I never had to do anything for it. The way love is meant to be. I am truly blessed to have them.

Not ironic at all I should think that I am celebrating my independence with them 😉

I need to get out of this bath because I’m having some nausea. Some fresh air and fresh fruit etc will do me good. No sugar today ick! Gotta get off the stuff and not do the “it’s vacation thing” bah. When will I learn.

The comfort is just so comforting which makes you want to eat and do as the others do, when my body says don’t !

It’s a work in progress still, the getting a clear transmission about what my body needs.

Anyway here I am where the air is cleaner, the trees bushier and greener, the sky is bluer and all the colors are more vivid. The people are kinder and simpler perhaps I would say. Which has its light and dark aspects.

I don’t want to other them or me. I seek to challenge my judgements and assumptions and just continue to become an overall more attuned soul. To the needs of myself, others, but still healthfully boundaried.

That’s not too much to ask right ?! 💜🫶🏼

From the bubblegum pink skylines to how water tastes here I am enamored and grateful.

I will write more soon I’m just stretching the muscle, testing the trust, shaking the cobwebs out of my head as I embark on this trip in this lifetime.

In a couple of days I will meet my Aunt D, my father’s sister. I could have never imagined that… so many emotions.

Making friends with them, allowing the natural ebb and flow. Ok I gotta get moving.

All my love,

C

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What’s next ….. what’s now?! Love

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same

Hello dear readers, I wish to be intimate with you today ….. I miss this (writing), this you, so much in its absence.

Sometimes the silent spaces in between are the most important, and you don’t see until much later.

Life is a great mystery and if you’re brave, a great story of your own making unfolds.

As it turns out when you’re not reacting to life all the time there’s a lot less to say.

That’s the quiet that’s been deeply reverberating right now.

These lines have been sitting here awhile. I keep missing the boat on waves of inspiration that hit. But this is ok because I no longer feel a sense of panicky desperation.

I’ve been learning a lot about what love is and about what it isn’t. A researcher of love above all things.

What makes it safe and trustworthy?

I do. By being responsible for cultivating that in myself.

I’ve been navigating the letting go process of deep bottom of the heart, grief, for the last four years. For my whole life really, but this new awareness has the last four years more standing out.

Now that my head is so much clearer, now what?!

Reading, relaxing, counseling, hanging out. Being.

You don’t get high on it, but you don’t crash either. A new kind of magic unfolds.

There’s a trust in the unfolding now. A deep breath and a sigh. A meandering walk among the halls of my heart, lined with many many shelves, and many stories.

I walk among them.

Deep wisdom settles under my skin, and I can draw from it as needed. Not running from myself, chasing someone else.

In this stillness the universe whispers and we become fast friends.

I am watching myself step into my gifts and twirl around in the mirror admiring them without self recrimination or admonishment.

The way my body reacts I had understood as anxiety, and it sent me into a panic. What that really was, is the depth in which I’m able to feel things.

It’s what empathy feels like in the body. The most powerful force on earth. Misunderstood I thought my body was trying to sabotage me. Not have a simple conversation and guide me.

Who knew ?!

So much opens up now.

Everything becomes a possibility. Everything always was, but now it’s known and felt.

I have long loved Wicked. We saw the movie the other day and I thought I might crack right open with feelings that movie evoked. As someone who saw herself as wicked for being the truth teller, and reacting to the many mistreatments.

As someone who has worried she was bad in some way.

During the dance scene at the oz dust ball I about cracked in half with emotion. Shaking with it. It was the first time I recognized my anxiety as “powers”. It clicked.

Suddenly I can see all the love around me I’ve created.

As the patriarchy falls and a new revolution takes place.

How love is the furthest thing from control. How control suffocates love out of the equation.

Years and years of attempting to control myself through manipulation and will, as a means of surviving those who would have tried to control me.

It was a lonely and dark path out of my own hell.

Now that I am shining the light ….

What’s next?!

Never mind that doesn’t matter.

What’s now?

Love

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Love heals hurt hurts : “Now that you don’t have to be perfect you can be good.”

One of the greatest agents of change in my healing work has been David Hawkins work. Letting Go. How to put the guard down.

Love is what woke me up.

Misunderstanding leveled me, ground me to powder.

I yelled I shouted

I wasn’t understanding you either

My understanding was off line

My most egregious of

Sins have been

Misunderstanding of the self

Now don’t get me wrong I understood more than either of us gave me credit for. But I could not hold space under conditions like that.

That’s too much to ask of anyone

Figuring that out includes me acknowledging what was too much that was asked of me as a child.

Things no child should ever see or know

How does one let go of that

I don’t know

but I am

I am here

I am tireless in my pursuit and sometimes that turns me insensitive in ways I never would be

Under different conditions

Rest

A gentle embrace

Be it if you want it

So now my heart can practice opening

Less anemone

Less turtle

More jaguar

More lion

Less sharp teeth

Only a sharp mind

Less sharp tongue

More silence

More softness

Meet me here

I had the right idea that one day

On the beach

Problem was so many things

Out of my control

I am in it now and I like it here

In the land of stability

Not always

Nothing is perfect

Especially me

But as he said

“Now that you don’t have to be perfect

You can be good”

I want to be good

Grounded practice

And learning a love

I wasn’t given

I call this the almost impossible

Because it almost is

This makes me love

Almost’s rather than

Hating them

We almost had it all

We do

I do

Self

Survival

Turned

Soul

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To make you feel my love ….

I’ve been sitting with a lot of new awareness recently. About things missing inside of me. My true hearts desire has long been to break the curses inside of me that hold me back from expression.

I’m not rough around the edges. I am a locked vault, with a well trained expert veneer. I am good at my job. I’m great at my job, but even that will hit its limits, because knowledge without enough heart falls flat.

The right combination of both is magic!

Just as I’ve made a tiny bit of progress I catapult ahead and then crash wildly on my own walls. I have to then slow down again. Look again. It’s exhausting and frustrating. I am reminded of somebody that I used to know.

Full circle. Everything does always come. Again and again. Round and round she goes, and where she’ll stop nobody knows.

Scarcity runs through my veins and colors every interaction I have. Not just in one area, in so many. And I am tasked to alchemize these emotions into something palatable?

I’m angry

Sad

Lonely

Lost

Most of the time.

Even surrounded by love and happiness. It can only penetrate if I let it.

There is no external fix or factor that can change this. No new car, fancy dinner, or trip. You’ll always return to your inner most thoughts.

This is an inside job. And I feel at times already past retirement in life years trod by my efforts.

But that’s all just a crappy story.

I can do better. Not perfect. Not everything. But better.

Heart opening is the name of the game.

Did you know when you do that you love everything and everyone, and cry at every damn thing. And it feels so unsafe with no extra skin to protect. Feel raw and naked all the time, in an exchange for keeping everyone else safe from the irritability and rage that built all the years the needs went unmet.

That’s a lot of debt. Will it ever be paid? Is it really so simple as “letting go”.

All or nothing. A totally wide open heart or a castle with impenetrable walls.

Doesn’t there need to be a middle? Or is that just another not enough….

I am safety driven, and the things that register safe for me are often not. A hall of mirrors a haunted fun house. Never knowing the thing I’m supposed to say, instead saying something scathingly critical. Yep it’s true.

Hyper vigilant to a fault. Trapped inside myself.

A one trick pony with a broken saddle. Caution cuidado.

Am I going round and round or am I moving forward. Always the question.

I’m on Dune book four and don’t want to lose momentum with supercommunicators, how to know somebody, and the many other books I’m reading.

I think I’ll take a break soon and read so many I’ve wanted to for pleasure. Julie and Julia, Under the Tuscan Sun, PS I love you, A Winter’s Tale, memoirs. All of these classic faves I’ve always wanted to, but have been too busy working.

I suppose the secret is loving someone exactly as they are until the love transforms the original into a masterpiece.

Love transforms

Fear freezes

Can stillness

Be filled with warm

Breezes

And will this block

Of ice I have become

Ever thaw

Never enough food, money, affection, the list goes on.

In the face of abundance can I accept it

Or will seeking scarcity (home)

Always have me running

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No More Nightmares on Mother’s Days

I believe this will be my first Mother’s Day I am not haunted. If you could ….

I will not lose my life force in being haunted by the things that have hurt. I will rise above them and sit peacefully sharing the knowledge that has been hard earned.

I finished Dune book one this morning. So much in there. I think of the foreshadowing of Ulay, how I became the bomb, and 90 days and everything in between.

I think of how next week I’ll sit at my daughter’s graduation and instead of wanting to crawl out of my skin w sensory overload I will own my seat. I will bask in the glow of our accomplishment having the difficult bloodline we have. Very little support, and also so much, just from a different form, a harder one to recognize or acknowledge for it requires belief.

I will be able to feel why I am there, what we are celebrating, rather than a desperately disconnected seeking numbness that pervaded everything and mirrored back such awkward desolation.

New lands…..

Belief is a powerful thing. May I always examine mine carefully to make sure it is from love and not fear, for the rest of my days.

I must not live haunted because if I do I cannot learn. I need all my focus and all my heart open to the world, so I can receive also.

To make you feel my love. My love will be felt. Not just my fear. The heroes journey.

To have alchemized scarcity and hardship into peace and abundance.

I had never planned so far that I’d make it out alive, because it never felt that way.

Awake is all I can ask for. Not existing inside a story or the bonds only of fear and trauma. A lineage I refuse to pass down.

And now I rest….

I got a b12 injection yesterday for the first time since November. Sometimes I forget I was ever so sick at all. Those people treat me like the best thing since sliced bread and I chuckle to myself of all the time I spent in a dark cloud of feeling unloved.

Love was all around. Love is….

There are turning points. New chapters. New books to be read and to be written.

For nearly 43 years holidays (so many of them) have been a nightmare. The nightmares held me captive even when some were good but inside all that roiled and rose up like bile. being told I should appreciate with little understanding, and worse treating myself that way.

A good little soldier

I will not allow it to persist into 44.

Another turning point.

A million lives within a life….

And I have every part of my story inside me and I won’t cut off a single thing.

A whole

Shattered segments gathered and made whole with gold….

Happy Mother’s Day to all the loyal curse breakers just doing their best with impossible tasks everyday.

I love you all more than you can imagine

And to the lost ones….. my people also

My heart is with you

There is light

With great courage there is light and your path is your own.

Trust yourself always

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Have I Really Gone my Whole Life Without Knowing How to Breathe….

Just breathe they said ….

I had so much pain I never dealt with. I’m only just coming to terms with how compartmentalized I was and the whys and the how’s of it.

I went swimming yesterday. Floundering awkward. More tuned to everyone else at first hyper vigilant non breathing. As it turns out rhythm and breathing is essential to swimming and well every other aspect of life.

I used to experience such shame for being so out of sync and step with those that were given acceptance and love.

I could feel it radiating through me as if I myself were a neon (because I was born in the 80’s it’s neon lol) beacon of different.

I am trying to wear that proudly now and to teach as I go. To advocate for myself and others to not be silent or more accepting. To not cut off parts of our stories or ourselves in favor of making other people more comfortable. I won’t.

In fact I am doing the opposite I’m excavating my story and working at believing it myself, getting it down, getting it out, writing it.

This is not easy. I have a thousand suitcases (white oleander reference), and it’s so overwhelming to even try. It makes me short of breath to even try.

So that’s where I am. I won’t be ashamed or change trajectory for anything. This is me.

I’m doing all body therapies currently and stretching only to my edge moderately until the muscle gives a little. Gentle yoga. Regular kills me still. Being in the water. Taking too much in, feeling headachy from being stiff and awkward and scared.

Just breathing …. Acknowledging…. Being with….

I took this season of writing immersion off to better balance some other things that need attending to and I’m scared shitless to lose the flow I found. But I often share in sessions we can’t lose “the work” it’s integrated and part of us. Accessible anytime, think Dorothy and her Ruby slippers.

I am reading It’s Not You by Dr. Ramani, I read it in like a day. That’s what happens when material makes you feel seen, you know it’s for you. I am reading Fight Right, which helps me hone my relational skills. I am reading Lessons in Chemistry. I am reading the list goes on!

I am watching This is Us. I’m shocked I missed the bus on this emotion porn, but also grateful because any sooner and I think it would have just made me feel worse about myself.

To speak to that I read something in Dr Ramani book, about permanent grief. Is that what I’ve been in?! That would make sense why I didn’t even know or couldn’t even feel other ones at times.

I became a doing. There was no being. And what has brought this so boldly into my attention is how my children felt in relation to me. As if their only value is when they are doing. Oh the heartbreak and regret.

So I’m working at becoming an open hearted and loving human being literally one minute at a time. The guards are many and they are intense. I have body guards upon body guards that I never asked for. Constantly telling me what I can and cannot do.

So much control. Lose control. No control. All control. Organize around others. Perform.

No breathing. No living.

So now I’m figuring out what this living thing is all about. Making friends with my emotions and my body. Introducing myself to them. We are pioneering uncharted waters here. So I guess it’s way finding then.

That makes sense !

Anyway that’s it for now but there may be more posts as I spend time with me this weekend.

First it’s a long walk for the dog and then gentle yoga and then massage.

First we learn to breathe, then we try to live.

Love,

C

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There’s no Wrong way, There’s Nothing Wrong about me….

So I’m on a health kick, actually let’s call it a revolution because it’s a lifestyle change, it’s whole. Rarely in my lifetime have I lost weight in a healthy way. I’m just realizing that now. I’ve lost weight in being devastated or starving myself so I could feel more attractive to someone else but never for me.

I’m realizing how much effort I must put in to trust. To repair my relationship with my own trust. That’s what sobriety is about for me. Repairing my trust in myself. Which a) I don’t think I’ve had much in a consistent way, and b) there were some significant breaks in it that when misunderstood I used my own information against myself. Fell on my own sword.

So now I wield the thing a lot more mindfully.

I wouldn’t say carefully because I have that much self awareness. There’s an edge and a fierceness and a pace of me that I’d like to think is part of my authentic self and there for a reason rather than a set of symptoms. Sorting through my rubble and piecing together a self I want to leave as a legacy has been my life’s work, and I’m less ashamed of that and more proud these days.

A former partner’s spouse has reached out to me. They are moving far away for two years, they asked if we would come have dinner before they leave. I find myself thinking about it this morning. That some of my relationships yielded lifelong bonds where love still exists and is allowed. Nothing wrong about it. Those with healthy boundaries and senses of self are able to do that without there being anything dangerous present.

Clean. Clear. And I can receive that love. And not worry where I belong or drown in a pool or self made shame. We have moved on, we are all adults, and what’s beautiful is what we meant in one another’s lives.

What’s beautiful is the way her wife honors her connection with my children and is open.

I think about some of my pain at a past situation where my reaction appeared not supportive of family first and I almost gaslight myself in hindsight but then I don’t. These days I have my back vehemently. The difference is my feelings on the matter would have been considered as part of the equation.

My greatest work these days is being mindful beyond my trauma reflexes and responses, of how those things affect those I love. I am the worst with affect and effect. Why is that one so hard for me?!

Anyway this morning I’m marveling at how big my family is. Family defined as those that want to be near your energy simply because they appreciate what it brings to their life. That’s the ticket folks. Or it’s my ticket anyway to the show I want to be at.

I am a writer who is writing. I am a mom who is momming. I show the fuck up and I intend to be loud and proud about that without believing it to be grandiosity or demanding or something it’s not. Something I’m not.

Fear will not drive my car, bus, airstream, tank, nervous system, choices, anything. It’ll be buckled into the toddler seat.

We watched instant family last night and I recognize why I get so emotional at that movie now. I relate so much except I never got those parents who didn’t give up on me, and you know what?! I became one anyway, somehow, and I’ve traveled through my own hell to be on the path I am on now.

I’m proud every day of myself. I’ll shout it and fly my flag. So many types of pride for me, in everything I am and everything I will become.

Theories and dreams were always foreshadowing and I recognize that now.

So today I’m two weeks sober. Quitting all addictions that don’t serve me one step at a time. So there’s more room, for learning, for reading, for loving. More room to discover my gifts and to share them. How I want to be living my life.

Anyway I have a client walking down into my office very shortly….

So I’ll write more soon…

But for now you can find me getting consistent about movement, being joyfully in my body and reading and writing….

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Feral Forever and Light as a Feather

I’ve decided I want to keep my feral parts.

The smolder, the slightly insane at times…

But this time mostly grounded too.

Yes it can be done.

Yes I defy gravity

And now

Now

I’m ready to claim

My birthright

And yes I had to look up

How to write that out correctly

And yes I ate almost a whole box

Of Kraft macaroni and cheese

For dinner last night

There’s still a little slum

In me

And guess what ?

I like it

Hair cut and Pink this next week. Things to look forward to.

I’ll have more than 50 shades

before I’m through

I can’t stop rhyming

Won’t stop trusting in

Divine timing

So I’m just livin’

On a prayer, on an edge

Like it’s my last day

Walk and pray

Sleeping long and deep

And workin hard

Feeling full at the end

Of my day

Time is my most valuable asset

Now

Open and free as a field

Learning what I want to

Talking to people

About abundance versus

Scarcity

Their major operators

And who pulls their strings

And how to cut them too.

The only battle I’m

Engaging in

Is the war on resistance

Of my art

Living with a

Fully transparent heart

It beats inside my chest

Behind my breast

In that hollow space

That you used to be

There’s a monument

I built there

To commemorate the

Loss

Ashes and rust

I clean it daily

Is this a fully human existence?

Do I fit the program?

I hope not

Writer emerge

Bridges burned

Others built

Life has seasons and

So do I ……

All normal

No labels needed

Just many mentors and

Guides

💜

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New Creation Always comes Out of Old

I am listening to Ruelle radio. I heard a song by her I loved in a movie last night. Wildflower I think the movie was called.

My chest has been heavy lately. Only partially the bad cold I just had. I’ve had anxiety. Which is interesting because in the zoom out, big picture of it all things are going really well. Me doing the work is going really well.

I’m being and becoming more consistent and grounded. I’m in my body more than I’m not. It’s a disconcerting sensation attaching inside a body after years of compensating in a variety of ways and adapting to disconnection.

I am nothing if not adaptable. It’ll be on my headstone. She adapted. It’s not the strongest of the species, but those that can adapt that survive. What was necessary became a lifestyle. What is no longer necessary leaves room for what is essential.

Insert a quote about a prince and his lesson….

Belmont street beckons always. Woodmont is busy today. Normally that would bother me but I’m making time and space for myself anywhere these days.

Today I recognized I’d been too long without the oxygen that being alone provides. Despite all the events being good ones including Elizabeth Gilbert and Rob Bell, it’s a major non negotiable of mine to be alone often and for spans of time. I crave it.

As today I was craving my smoothie water drive and park and meander, through the world and my mind equally.

One day I will look up and…. I lost my train of thought. It went off the tracks. Just like that.

One day maybe I’ll have one of these houses that faces here, because this space is sacred to me. There’s not an explanation. I’m just called to it always and feel at home here.

Hearts are like that too. Inexplicable. Finicky. Unpredictable. I’ve learned a lot about that during my life.

I miss writing here. There’s always so much to say I don’t get to, it pains me.

Life around me is moving fast, and inside me it’s much more still. Thank god.

My nest is nearly empty and yet absolutely full.

My triggers subsiding. Fingers gliding across your surface.

My poet and my scribe and my novelist are all scrambling for front and center lol, no surprise there.

Found twin B her first car. Milestone moment. Able to help and have her do some in her own, the epitome of success as a parent, in my opinion anyway.

I appreciate it all now. Every moment I can get. Yes, even when it’s difficult. Even with a thousand triggers. I’ll take a thousand and one deep breaths. I don’t wanna miss a thing.

She’s leaving for her first year in college. Florida. Bless her. I hate Florida. Hate the humidity and one or two other things. But I’ll love to visit her and hear about what that’s like for her.

The Little Prince has his first apartment with roommates and it’s very close to the house. He’s taking care of himself and learning life.

Twin A is going to finish her second year of college and then head off to UCONN.

In one years time ish unless one comes home I’ll have none of my children living under my roof.

I’m just sitting here facing my beloved water and thinking about this. My life is vast, and full. I’ve lived every inch of it, every corner. And yet there are lifetimes more. How exciting.

My chronic pain is profound. It is not trivial. But I learn to cope a little better every day and it no longer makes me anxious the way it used to. I just learn what I need and how to love and talk to me better. How to listen better.

Heart opening, softening, thawing. Mercy, Grace.

My goal is relaxation and creation. No more hustle and grind. An early retirement of sorts, a peace treaty of the mind.

Man or a monster Sam Tinnesz et Al.

I am proud. That’s what I am. I show up. I stay. I’m steadfast and strong and loving and everything I never came from. And I am finally, finally, not kept out of my own warmth. No more gaslighting. No more making myself small. No accepting less …..

I can’t believe how much cold, hard, estrangement and desolation I lived with inside of me. That breaks my heart.

Monsters by Ruelle. Some kind of theme here :p. I feel endless possibilities at this juncture.

I’m Christina Jenkins now. I’ve never had a last name that felt like home. Now I do. It’s extra ironic and pleasant that was my notebook name of practicing when I dreamt of marrying my first love. And guess what I still love him. A wholesome heartfelt relationship that has lasted our whole lives with a family who loves me as a bonus.

I love my name. Who knew getting married wasn’t the only way to have a name you love or a family for that matter. Now I have many.

An abundance of belonging. And an abundance of tender affections for me.

All my love,

C

Ps it’s a beautiful Saturday. I’m not working. I just saw a Frenchie. I am loved. My needs are met and I now allow my whole story and every inch of my memories and emotions regarding that to exist.

I no longer cut off parts of myself …..