Tag: #empath

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A great journey can occur in only a couple of hours. It’s the depth that matters.

It’s Sunday morning. Well afternoon now. What do you do when you feel like there’s no possible way to capture the journey you took (in the span of one morning for only a couple of hours), in one blog post? I guess I need to find or develop more skills in terms of summarizing and organizing. This morning I took an emotional journey. I journeyed miles through feelings physical and emotional. The most important aspect of this I think is that at the finish line I was able to lay in my person’s arms and just cry. I cried for so many things. Initially she was concerned, and because of my work I was able to tell her I was crying because I needed the release.

I needed to let all of it out. To allow all of my feelings with no judgment and just to share them. I told her she was my safe space. She is my safe space. I told her how new this feeling is for me. I used to push down tears and my own experiences in exchange for the stiff upper lip that felt at the time like it helped me to survive. This worked UNTIL I had kept my side that had needs alone for so long, that it could no longer take it. It needed air. And because I didn’t know how to meet it’s needs I struggled in anger. I was angry at my disease, at my pain, at myself, at so much more….  and it came out on others for awhile. I couldn’t access my calm and understanding parts, especially when I needed them the most. My basic natural tendency was to be tough, and we are not always nice when we are so tough. I couldn’t access the parts of myself that could help me have compassion and understanding for others, and I knew I would need that if I were to survive as a Counselor. I knew that I could not help other people find a way to allow their process and meet their needs if I hadn’t first climbed that mountain myself. I wish I could say it’s one mountain. It’s not. It is a series of mountains, with peaks and valleys, gorgeous views, and also dark and seemingly endless nights.

Two times since we have gotten together I have broken into a heap in my partner’s arms. I am always welcome to share my full spectrum of emotions with her, and that safety is irreplaceable. But these two times I was at my limit and I allowed myself to not worry about being a burden, about being over-sensitive, that she would shy away from my pain. She is a warrior…. a warrior behind her service to the Army (which I still need to post about). She is a warrior for myself and my children. She is the best kind of warrior. The kind who constantly faces up against her fears and continues on inspite of. It is because of her I have learned the importance of being gentle and sometimes succumbing to our sense of overwhelm and fears, and that this is OK. She doesn’t try to fix my pain, nor does she shy from it. She doesn’t try to compete with it or put it on a scale of comparison. She doesn’t squirm uncomfortably trying to change the subject, or invalidate it in any way “like telling me to look on the bright side”. She doesn’t become so upset herself that there is no room left and I feel I must zip myself back up quickly so as not to harm her. She just offers her presence, and it turns out that’s all I need.

I began my day today with my beloved bath, my books, and my writing. My favorite way to begin a day. I also began it with severe abdominal pain, gut wrenching pain, frustrating nausea, and symptoms that are quite unpleasant and leave a lot of fear in their wake. I am grateful I had the perfect arms of her, and the words of Glennon Doyle Melton in Carry On Warrior to compliment. As always I had everything I needed. Now that list also includes compassion and understanding for MYSELF. This was the missing piece that has made life so much different.

I write my best when I write to her. It is how we fell in love. So I am going to share a personal letter, because aren’t those the best kind? A letter that came on the wings of inspiration while I was having my struggle this morning.

Here it is: A quick note about it. She is a Veteran of the United States Army. She did two tours over seas. She often struggles with identifying with this experience or remembering it for ways she could be hard on herself about it. Since she doesn’t fit the traditional role of what someone would think of as a Veteran she at times struggles with owning her bravery and power. Last night we ate at Texas Roadhouse and came across other Veterans who banded with her and helped us celebrate. It was random and it was beautiful. I know in my heart that one of our greatest gifts in this life will be bearing witness to one another’s journey.

*I feel very vulnerable about sharing this letter. My thoughts are should I? Do I need to? Does someone need to hear all the parts when particularly some of the letter and the way it flows will only make sense to her. I think to Glennon’s book where her Dad say’s to her “don’t you think you should take some of these things to the grave Glennon.” Her reply is how I found the courage to share this part of myself today. “I thought hard for a moment and said, no I really don’t. That sounds horrible to me. I don’t want to take anything to the grave. I want to die used up, and emptied out. I don’t want to carry around anything that I don’t have to. I want to travel light.”

The letter:

“I’m writing you to distract myself from the discomfort I’m currently in. I keep getting out of the tub because I have to use the toilet, and each time this happens I am cold and shivery and soaking the bathroom floor 🙁

I wanted to focus on and tell you how cool last night was. It was so lovely seeing you get to honor yourself with others. You sat with it and owned it and didn’t reduce or dismiss and I’m beyond words proud and happy for you, with you… all of it. I feel so lucky to have shared that with you. I also feel lovely that I’m able to move through momentary petty emotions without them ruling my life anymore. This has changed my whole world. What I mean by this is for a few minutes there I felt so anxious and overwhelmed, and then loud people coming over, and you being super into whether you’re going to text this guy who may or may not want to get close in any way possible with my baby,…. and I was nauseated and hot. For a few moments I felt horrific. And because of that most likely and not because you did anything wrong I almost got cranky with you. Almost let my mind tell me that this wasn’t how I saw our night and you weren’t paying attention to me. Like a baby…. lets modify that to be kind. Like someone not feeling well getting caught in a wave of panic induced negativity.
and then as you so often do you read my mind, I had also worked through it myself, but it’s so refreshing that our intuition does that.

My ex was intuitive too, we scanned one another for flaws and the world so we could be hyper-vigilant and flip out at shadows. You read my mind which said without me having to get upset you noticed. You said out loud that you were present…And in reflection I would have regretted it terribly if I had made those lovely moments about me, whether I didn’t feel well or not. Actually where I took my mind to was how I felt the day I did the Crohns walk, and how important it was for me to take that day to be about me and honoring my experience, and people give that to me, have helped me find my way to it. So I’m so glad I kept my initial feelings at bay because I would have missed out on irreplaceable moments of witnessing you honoring an important part of your life. I also enjoy so much seeing you blossom and open up and share you with others. I have to remember to not get jealous and crazy because I just love you so much, and because it isn’t healthy. I have had to learn this security, it doesn’t come easy.

Today I woke up short of breath with abdominal pain…. terrible bloating and some bleeding actually :/ waves of nausea and terrible joint aching. And it’s so tempting to be taken over by anger and frustration at my body. To beat myself up or make our whole experience that I shouldn’t have gone or any other thing. To lash out at the world, great pain makes us lash out at the world, and those around us. It makes us claw and bite and bargain and deny. When really our only choice is to feel it until it passes, it will pass. It passes easier with someone like you by my side.

So when I tell you how grateful I am know that it includes this: that I am just sitting here smiling, even as I cry in pain and frustration…. because I loved logging that experience last night and I wouldn’t trade it. And if I’m going to have this devil disease it’s so nice to have it near to you…. I could be alone. Someone else could still have you right now. So when I take account of my life I feel like I have a fortune in the bank and houses all over 😉 rich beyond my wildest dreams.

I feel grateful for less panic. Somehow your steadfast gaze and warmth helps me panic less. Our love. I know it’s just a superstition of sorts that nothing terrible can happen because our love is so good. But it feels better to choose safe and calm waters while I can, since we have no control over some storms anyway.

I’ve gone to the bathroom enough that I can finally breathe a little better. Boy is it an unpleasant feeling to have so much air built you can’t even breathe and to not know whether to take an ant-acid or my inhaler :p

I love you with everything that I am. I am the best possible version of myself when I am with you. You make everything worthwhile.

I see you. You seem so much less hard on yourself. I know that will still be a natural default tendency for awhile and Rome wasn’t built in a day.  But I see changes and I’m so grateful for your strength. To be able to live my life next to someone who sees things and gets them and then puts action into those things to make changes that benefit all of us as a whole. Amazing. That makes you a true warrior even, with now an invisible uniform. We now have a teammate in this pursuit. No longer having our resources sucked out of us by being misunderstood and misunderstanding. What an amazing feeling.

Ok back to my morning pages, maybe a little reading and soaking my sore bum in this bathtub. So grateful to be able to breathe a little better.

All of my love darling….”

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A Heart so Raw: Remembering Michelle Vo and Honoring Kody Robertson

This morning while I was having my coffee I came across an article about one of the victim’s of the Las Vegas Massacre. Two Strangers Bond over Country Music and Beer. Then the Gunshots Started.

*I am waiting for people from a tag sale site to come and pick up some items that they purchased. This is a most unreliable event to be sure. I am in the process of purging many lingering items that have been collected over the years. I am wanting to re-make a space that holds many memories, with some fresh energy of the self I am now, and of the journey in partnership that I am currently taking. A blog post on this soon. For now I cannot seem to unburden myself from this current pain.

I have an interesting relationship with trauma. I have the ability to stay focused, calm, and to be a protector… a healer…. I can do this very well when called to arms or faced with extreme need. However, when I am by myself, in my processing, it can bring me to my knees with pain. Since I attended school for psychology it has always been a learning game to figure out how much to delve into the news of these events. You see the news is just a headline, often about almost unbelievable events. Things you can easily imagine happened in some far off planet that may never touch you. But when I read the true accounts of people’s personal experiences that is when it truly comes to life for me. So this morning, quite accidentally…. I am raw with pain.

I have clients most of the day today. In my earlier days of being a therapist I would be concerned that I would be too drained from my own heavy feelings to do the work as well. My more experienced self knows that when I am at my most raw and vulnerable I do my best work. The trick is to stay with the meaning of the feeling, but be careful about the stories that we tell to make sense of it all. For example: if we decide to believe the world is a place with danger lurking around every corner it can become difficult to be in large social events without anxiety. If we delve too far into thinking that the world is filled with more bad than it is good then there is real trouble. I can never allow myself to believe this, despite the increasing amount of evidence. In my mind, even if it just a foolish belief: good will still always outweigh evil. This is the only way I can process through such events and stay upright and continue the fight.

As an empath and a highly sensitive person this event this time is like a weighted blanket constantly sitting on me. I actually have kept myself not dwelling or even peeking at the news too much for fear that it entirely crushes all the air out. This morning however, I had to read this article and let a little of the pain burst forth. With my writer’s imagination a story from a personal account like the one I posted above makes the entire event come to life in staggering technicolor. This story brought me right there to the scene.

There is no sense to be made of such a tragedy. There is only the increased need for immense love to be spread. My always mission is to keep myself in such a way that I can continue to do that. My dear friend Chip who has his own struggles often writes me e-mails about small acts of kindness that have been bestowed upon him, that he then pays forward. These always brighten my day. Anyone can be a hero. This man in the article was the Vo family guardian angel. I hope in such an event I would be like him.

My challenge to you is what act of kindness will you do today? Know that it can be as simple as a smile.

 

 

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Untangling my emotions about senseless violence…

There are a great many things I have been inspired to write about since my last post. Certainly there were more events during my getaway that were worth recalling and sharing. Also there have been many hurdles in the parenting arena for me to scale as of late. However, the thing I absolutely cannot just brush past to be able to access any of those, is this mornings newest episode of senseless MASS violence. My heart is aching audibly this morning. As I scan past the many different reactions from people on my social media platforms I am spending some time sorting through my emotions.

You see we have to make a choice about where we want to land with all our feelings and thoughts. I always say it isn’t the lengths or depths of where our mind takes us, but the choices about which thoughts to hold close and encourage, and  which to hold and comfort perhaps, but also let pass on. Which do we breathe life into, and which do we create space for but not want to hold too tightly or make a part of ourselves. Our thoughts can very easily become beliefs, and core beliefs are very powerful operants in our lives. Our ego can even subconsciously expend much energy in an attempt to fulfill these beliefs.

Quietly reverent I am here trying to sort through this mess. As an empath for me the easiest thing to do would be to separate myself from this altogether. To just remain far removed as emotionally, as I am physically from the event itself. This just seems unfair to those who are not afforded the ability to do so. As if my solidarity can be lent in the time I give of myself to imagine the suffering in the hearts of those directly and those of us indirectly affected. The truth is that this could have been any of us this is happening to. An even bigger question is how not to lump this in with the current political climate and become even more embittered.

There was a period of time in my personal life that I actually traumatized myself by “going too far into the shoes of those experiencing such events”. I was persuing my Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology at the time of the Colorado Movie Theater Shooting. I was trying to experience the full spectrum of humanity and it felt disingenous to my degree to not explore the dark sides as thoroughly as the light. I poured over headlines and devoured anything on the topic I could find, My mind sought understanding around these events. In an attempt to walk myself through them I began to imagine what it might have felt like to think you were just going to a showing of a movie and suddenly someone get’s up and begins to shoot. What would I feel like? How terrified? Would I be brave or would I be a chicken? What might it feel like for a bullet to burn through my skin. I imagine even worse the anticipation that at any moment this could happen. I allowed my mind to play with all possibility, and as a result I couldn’t see a movie without having a panic attack for a very long time. I also couldn’t attend a fun loving event like a St. Patrick’s Day parade with my children in tow, without wondering if perhaps this time we would be the unlucky ones. What I ended up finding is that if you let yourself identify too much you can easily run the risk of never leaving your home.

So the question here is what does one do with events like these? How do we make sense of them? How do we offer up our care and concern, while also protecting ourselves? If we become too disheartened we cannot be helpful. My Grandpa always used to say “if you aren’t part of the solution then you are part of the problem”. I didn’t love hearing it then, but I often use it in my practice now.

It feels unfair that I can sit and contemplate my fitness journey and the fact that I made it to the gym this morning. It feels like it somehow pales in comparison. There are several hundred people (minimum) who woke up this morning with their lives deeply affected by tragedy.

As I sit with my feelings on this the answer the floats most closely to the surface seems to be focusing on the courage of people. At a more micro level for example, a session with a client who is celebrating the anniversary of a child’s death. Someone taken long before they should have been. I have a deep appreciation for the courage in human beings. Their brave hearts beat a decibel above the throbbing pain, somehow keeping it just manageable. We get but a series of profound moments in our lives, a collection if you will. My heart is deeply saddened that the people affected by this tragedy have added such dark ones to their’s.

Edit: And of course directly after this 2 important things happened. One: Courtney came for lunch with me and we laughed and played with Sig (my frenchbulldog). It got me out of my head. I am grateful. Two: The first thing I pulled up after our lunch date were lovely words from Brene Brown (one of my 2 main spirit animals). She says “1. Prayer + civic action are not mutually exclusive. Join me in both. 2. Step away from social media coverage and toward real people for support, action, conversation, and being with each other in collective pain. Keep informed, bud don’t stay glued. Our Secondary trauma will not make us better helpers – it shuts us down and sends us into self-protection and blame-finding.”

Absolutely lovely. This is basically what I was trying to say through my process.  Elizabeth Gilbert posted her words. In this way I am able to feel collective in my pain. My spirit animals are out there also in the trenches of this tragedy with me. My heart is comforted.

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Curveballs

How do you manage when stress hits seemingly at the worst times?

Today went about as far against the plan as one could get. So my lovely person and I were supposed to go on a few day getaway courtesy of Groupon (I love Groupon getaways). After the immense planning it takes between business and family to be able to have the space to do this, amidst all of the stresses of regular everyday life, this becomes something at times our sanity nearly hinges on. Things to look forward to are of utmost importance in the scheme of getting through the more mundane, difficult, etc.

This morning began with one of my 13 year old twin daughters in a funk. That is putting it oh so nicely. For anyone out there who has lived through the tween phase and hormones you know what I mean. This included a full bout of door slamming and aggressive sighing. Attitude before sunrise (or coffee for that matter) is something that I have a more difficult time exercising patience about. Being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) one of my special instructions for care is to have some meditative time to ground myself before anything coming at me in the morning. I also have a tough time sleeping after intense emotional battles. This particular situation is just another aftershock in what has been a particularly difficult earthquake in our home. If it had ended here I would have taken awhile to ground again, but sadly it did not.

Our French Bulldog Sigmund Freud woke up with paraphimosis, a delighful condition in which the penis gets swollen and stuck outside the foreskin. It looks like a giant red strawberry, but I assure you there is nothing sweet about this. This is the 4th time he has had this issue. Each time after splendidly interesting DIY attempts to fix it, we have ended up at the Emergency Vet to the tune of around $300.00. We have been advised that Neutering him *might* fix the issue. That wasn’t convincing enough to schedule the appointment. I was also kind of hoping he might be able to be a Daddy someday. Sadly today that dream has ended. We were able to convince his vet to neuter him at the same time they fixed the problem. This was about $600.00. I just spent $200.00 the other day for an over-growth of yeast in his ears. Frenchies are a cute novelty, but very expensive. He’s safe and well by the way, seemingly pain free (and testicle free).

The financial piece just adds insult to the already burning injury of the fact we were supposed to pack this am at a leisurely pace and head to our destination. If you add difficulty with an ex-husband that could primarly be described as a power/ego struggle and having nothing to do with the best interest of the children, then it’s really a party.

So before I slip into too much angst again about this situation I will say that several years ago a few events like this would have made me behave really badly. I would have been snappy at those closest to me. Believed that the bottom would fall out from under me. Become so stressed that I became ill. I easily slipped into a Bruce Almightly like storm of feeling sorry for myself. Due to the level of overwhelm I often experience it’s easy to FEEL in a moment like you may not make it out alive, and I behaved as such.

In my 36th year I am thankfully learning that events like these, even piled on top of one another, do not in fact make the world stop turning. In fact I have even learned at times to laugh, yes laugh, when I have a day so absurdly bad that my eye begins to twitch. The one reprieve from the Universe (with a little help from my ability to ask for my needs) was that after describing today as one of the worst I ever experienced, the people at the INN took pity on us and moved our getaway one day over without charging anything extra. A RARE and valuable relief.

My dog is alive (bulldogs sometimes have a tough time with general anesthesia and this had also made me put off his neuter). My kids are healthy and relatively happy despite our occasional bouts of wills. While I would much rather use all these vet bills for a vacation to Ireland, I am able to pay them. And also nothing of mine has been destroyed by a hurricane or any other natural disaster. My practice thrives. I have amazing people in my life who support and love me. Surprisingly, not enough of my hair has fallen out (due to stress) to cause a noticeable difference. I do have a thick head full, thank goodness. 😉 Also I love what I do for my career and couldn’t imagine my life any other way.

So what do you do with the Curveballs life throws at you? Do you handle them gracefully? Do you kick and scream and fall apart? Do you feel sorry for yourself? Do you get angry and indignant? Are you able to roll with the punches and fairly quickly put things into perspective in such a way that you can move on quickly and not hang on too much to poisonous anger? How long does it take you to bounce back?

Some of my favorite coping mechanisms when I can’t shake feeling overwhelmed and like certain doom is on the horizon are:

A nice long hot shower (or bath). I find few things that can’t be fixed with them. It’s one of my favorite resets.

A cup of tea. I like honey lavendar stress relief by Yogi in particular.

Paying more attention to the simple things like forcing myself out of my head when I am walking the dogs. So that I notice the color of things, and the smells, a butterfly maybe, or an interesting looking bird. The simplicity of smiling at a neighbor.

Listening to music that is relaxing or speaks to my soul.

My absolute favorite though is the way my person lightens my heavy and weary soul during these times. How she knows how to let me vent and breathe. How she doesn’t instruct or try to fix everything. How she knows just how to calm me without doing anything intentionally. Her presence has become a safe harbor for all of my dark moments. Now that they are not taken personally or panicked over, they leave as fast as they come. They have shrunk in size and duration and I feel free of the angry beast that used to inhabit me when I was stressed or scared. I am beyond grateful for this. The effect ripples into everything that I am and that I do. I am a glass covered lake at dawn, still, calm, and transparent. Nothing to hide or worry about being discovered.

*note if you haven’t yet found this person in your life: romance yourself. Wine and dine YOU. Watch silly videos to laugh. Be your own harbor until you’re ready to settle into someone else being one.

What are your ways of coping with the unknown and stressful?

We are going to try again tomorrow. Right after therapy with my daughter, because practice what you preach 😉

Stay Tuned…..     <3

*Conclusion* Bad days make you look for, see, and appreciate the little things that much more.