Happy New Year my loves!
I just took a second to straighten my posture and take a few deep breaths. I am sitting at my office desk. It’s cozy down here. At times I dream of an office that looks like it was taken straight out of Edward Cullen’s bedroom from Twilight. And also there’s something magical down here in the coziness of this space.
One of mine (our) mantra’s of the year is “I have everything I need”.
So for this time in this life, my office is perfect. My desk is surrounded by pictures of my loved ones, positive messages from others, and myself, as well as “a few of my favorite things”. This sentence is an example of how our lives become everything and everyone we have ever experienced. My grandmother was just in that one. Her favorite movie was The Sound of Music.
What an interesting foreshadowing to my life. I began my day with a bath and an old playlist. I only got a couple of songs in but the words are still so interesting. I can recognize now how little I truly slowed down to process and sit with them.
Sit with it…. Another mission statement for 2026.
I was arranging a few of my books as I consider my queue (I confess I never ever know how to spell this word, and spelling is one of my innate gifts) and came across C.S. Lewis ( the other who brought us The Chronicles of Narnia among others), a book with a Year of readings based on his works. Let’s see what January first has in store for us today.
It’s called “Supposing We Really Found Him?” From him at age 12, he appears to be contemplating the existence and form of God. Something that has in the past made me squeamish, and as the wound heals, and the scars turns from pink to brown. I find I only need contemplate if I so choose. I wonder what he was feeling at the time? What he needed, as the Buddhists would ask. As I would ask and wonder.
I started the day with a reading from Tara Brach’s Radical Acceptance. Most often I begin with a text that helps inspire some Kaizen in me. That is the continual improvement of processes internal and external I would say. I learned this word at Trader Joe’s as well as Integrity as a value. It was a great place for me to begin to learn those things, along with self-discipline, perseverance, and a few others. A first look at what it means to “cut off one’s nose to spite one’s face. A turning point from an attitude that may push others and opportunities away, instead of attract them to me.
My poor physical body at that time. My poor mind. It was on fire with self-doubt, contempt, and pains stacked and stacked. I tear up recalling how anxious I was, how scared, and how many physical manifestations of my pain. What is repressed, will be expressed by the body. I have lived out that truth, and gotten the lesson full circle. I am grateful for each healthy day I have now, that is filled with vitality.
I have thought a lot about what this blog is anymore, as I have changed so much. Who I am writing to and why. My relationship with writing remains that the act of doing it is sacred and special and important for me. Tossing aside any attachment to any outcome of what it is to do in this world.
I don’t know where this will take me…..
Isn’t this how so many great adventures begin?
I was cleaning out my closet the other night, and found my twin girls little 0-3 months pink Old Navy Hats, and their bracelets and birth beanies, still with ribbons on them. They are now on the brink of twenty two years old, and new chapters in their own lives. Ms. Marvel was reflective this morning about saying goodbye to a child she has helped nurture and watched grow this past year of their lives. She made a post about her 2025, and it revealed how rich and full of adventure her life was this past year. This inspires me.
So off on my own adventure I go….
This year it began with a bath, something that is much more rare now, as I’m more likely to take a walk or go somewhere. Today is a reminder for a balance of both. Still battling all or nothing, and black and white thinking. This past year has shown many improvements in that, and I know this next will be no exception to the continued growth.
Tonight is an interesting full circle moment, the finale of Stranger Things. I believe around the time I turned my life upside down, with a little help from the Universe, we are never operating solely without a contract. I had watched some or a little of the first season. With all going on it didn’t really stick.
Somehow I jumped on the binge train with my daughter just in time.
I am reflecting on the Upside Down often, and how I experienced it. As well as everything I have come away with that has helped me become a more compassionate person, to myself and others. I know more about how I love, and have a stronger relationship to my own self, identity etc. Something I did not have much of prior. I will be grateful for that and so much more until the day that I die.
The baby in my life just came to join me. He is warm on my lap. It is cold down here and Ms. Marvel stole my space heater for hanging with friends last night. Nothing is sacred in such a big life. Nothing except everything. Anyway the new edition of the year is a French Bulldog Puppy, Bodhi. His name came together just perfectly. And in my spiritual world it means “Awakening” or Enlightenment. The horse whisperer, aka twin A would laugh at this as she often jokes about him having, a head full of rocks. Frenchie’s are not bread to be smart or do tasks, they are companion animals. For example currently he has his little chin rested just on the edge of my desk. Right in front of him my fingers clack clack clack away on this keyboard. This is my heaven. He is loyal, loving, affectionate, and just wants to snuggle. What’s better than that. Also he represents a level of forgiving myself that was always going to be necessary for me to move forward into the next chapters of my life.
Hello to my forty fifth trip around the sun. Goodbye to shame, criticism, contempt, unrealistic expectations of self and others, and so many things. Hello to joy, peace, nurturing, being of service to others. Hello to my voice, my true self, and the rest of my life.
Oh one more important edition to my life that occurred this year is my relationship to sourdough bread. So much more than a fad for me. I think it’s the first thing I’ve ever made that didn’t feel forced and like some awkward relationship I didn’t know how to do. I have a complicated relationship with food. And it happened naturally all by itself. It was introduced to me by my beloved Jenkins, it was never even spoken about if I wanted to do it, or taught really until it was. I just ended up bringing home starter from my trip to Washington State in July this year. Where I also met my father’s sister and was introduced to a side of the family I never knew my whole life. Aunt D will forever be in my heart, and I will cherish all the time we have knowing one another. She has filled in many gaps and holes in my knowing for me, and that has been a salve to my heart.
I once recall my therapist M, saying to me “you’re all in Christina” this was with regard to me being surprised she would refer to me, because I felt so screwed up at the time. I was judging myself harshly, as I am prone to do. I think about what she said often as I experience myself this way.
I am all in and I am loyal to my love forever, given that there are realistic expectations and parameters, and I needed to have a relationship with myself. I didn’t know how much I needed to, and how much I didn’t, until I did…..
I look forward to what’s next for me….
Until then Stay Tuned, and all my love on this first day of this new chapter.
Gratefully,
C