Recovery Recovering Recover Me from the states I never Asked for….

Drawing excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert’s new memoir All The Way To The River.

Dear readers….

I consider myself in recovery. Just prior to COVID on the heels of many gains and losses I experienced what some call a Dark Night of the Soul. A loss of self so profound I am still in moments untangling those experiences.

A loss of self I hadn’t even developed yet….

I was a whirling dervish, capable of great chaos and destruction, which of course was my greatest fear.

So when you have become your greatest fear there is nothing to do but face fear itself directly.

Full stop. To my knees. Desperation. Nothing was going the way I thought I wanted it to, and I was in agony.

All of the pain and losses of my life had accumulated to an unbearable roar.

And through this I had to maintain my role as a mental health counselor, a mother, and many others. A balancing act that defies gravity truly.

When in such a situation you find stabilizers, this might be being able to find joy in your first sip of coffee in the morning. It’s important to keep it simple sweetie (kiss) because the things in my thinking were anything but.

Those who know me well know Elizabeth Gilbert is my spiritual mother, an important guiding force in my life. I was fortunate to see her speak in Torrington on Friday at the Warner Theater. I was extra fortunate to get to hug and speak with her before the event. It was lovely.

I had a life changing hug from her in 2018, in a totally different life, as a totally different self….

Now most days I live out apologizes to people who will likely never hear them. I get deeper and deeper into my own labyrinths and they just keep coming. I find I can apologize (take accountability) for so many things when it comes down to it, while simultaneously apologizing less for my very existence than I have ever been able to.

It is a lovely letting go…

I hold so much love in my heart for each and every one of the clients, the soul friends, the family, the persons, for whom I share connectedness with as we each walk our paths.

I am so much more liberated from the sufferings of most of my life and yet I still walk on thorns some of the time. It’s a process.

This morning I sit with my frenchie on my lap, snoring softly, with an entire mound of hours spread before me upon which I could do anything and I am blessed beyond reason.

I am finishing up reading The Map of Consciousness Explained by David Hawkins. I’m also reading Throne of glass, though I haven’t been able to get into it yet. My reading eclectic as always. Trying so many different things at once.

It’s rolling into my favorite time of year. I’m ready to retire my shorts, and don my flannels.

I feel such less desperation for anything. I can’t believe how plagued I was by thoughts attempting to control the uncontrollable. I am content these days to allow reality to unfold and to bear witness, rather than constantly being in a full suit of armor brandishing my sword.

My desires are to listen, to think clearly, to bestow a love I grow daily on those who would seek refuge in it in a sincere and authentic way.

I am attempting a full surrender as a person who has often burnt hot with drive.

I’m just figuring this out one day at a time.

So as I hopefully start writing in here more often I am excited to “rebrand”, though I have nothing to sell here.

To begin again over and over….and not mind a single moment of it…..

Love always,