Turning Points

Listening to Pink and Teddy Swims this am.

Good morning ! Saturday is the new Sunday for me I guess since now having weekends off. Sunday is like a bonus day.

This morning I’m thinking about turning points. Those places in your life where a new self emerged. Was it subtle or did it strike like lightning?

Then a line: I want to be your favorite writer, but first I need to be mine.

I’m still figuring out what this blog is going to look like. Following a dark night of the soul and a re-birth. I find myself quiet a lot more, until I’m not. On those occasions where I feel safe and seen and my chatter box child self comes out to play. She does much more these days.

I know too much and yet integrating it into a practice of peacefulness rather than a vicious hypervigilant intellectualization process, has been necessary.

I have a bulldog sleeping on my lap. Bodhi. I never thought I’d have one again. I was too afraid to love again. Which is not like me. But sometimes something is so scathing it’s hard to come back from. In the end I’m glad I took the time I needed to heal and grieve because the fruit of this love is oh so sweet now.

And yet I still emerge having regrets about words I said and ways I managed my emotions at the time. Now however I can also have compassion for myself and recognize being put in impossible situations and still expecting myself to act well. Unfair, unrealistic.

I have cleaned my life out of anyone who doesn’t consider my emotional security in addition to seeing me. Not as a parent, but as a human being. No constant coddling, but in a reasonable manner.

My reactivity is much less and that helps me continue to see my path clearly and have many less blurred lines between me and any other, which affords me a freedom I never had before.

Freedom from the constant hunger for love….

Instead I am love, and love is reflected back to me in everything. A loaf of sourdough, a hug from my kids, a gentle breeze, the first sip of coffee, a cozy hoodie, a fresh haircut, a bite of an in season fruit…..

Life gets more and more delicious and I also have heartbreaks that never seem to mend. The scars still burning and pink. Having this humbles me and makes me grateful for every kind smile from a stranger. It makes me live differently.

With unimaginable loss comes incredible wisdom.

And with that I choose to walk with wounded others and apply what salve I can.

This is the way I choose to live my life.

Seeking more knowledge but not desperately, peacefully.

The kids and I will walk to the farmers market today…. Maybe bring the bulldog, maybe not ha. A break might be nice.

I was gifted Melissa Etheridge tickets, I’m going to see Elizabeth Gilbert soon, it’s been awhile, and My Fair Lady….

I’m out in the world, and also happily alone a lot of the time. I never knew how much of that I needed until I did. It’s ok to miss me. I miss me too a lot of times.

It’s an interesting place to be able to see every regret you’ve ever had, without going into a spiral about it. Just a witness. And all of mine are ways I spoke to people I loved, and choices I made that hurt others more than they had to because of the way I wasn’t connected to myself.

I deal with freeze and fawn responses especially much more than I would like. And I’m also emerging out of that into self expression. Right on track with my healing path.

I am a living apology which is very different than purgatory, and I write love letters that will never be read to those who in their absence I can remember the good.

But never again will I live in a fantasy over reality.

Life is all that exists only in the present moment, that’s it. What you can see touch and feel. No bargaining, no crying out for what doesn’t show up. If it’s there it’s there. If it’s not it’s not. Keep it simple sweetie.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m too isolated career wise, but then I think of how normal it is for me to seek something wrong when there isn’t.

“You can see when you’re wrong, but you can’t always see when you’re right.”

I have a tendency to romanticize rather than fully allow myself to experience what’s right in front of me. I think that’s the writer in me. So as long as I’m allowing myself creative freedom, I’m fine just fine….

This morning I’m basking in my office. In the comfort and warmth of all I’ve created with my own unique story of returning home to love, mine….

Stay tuned 💜🫶🏼