Month: April 2024

Posted on

Sunday Wanderings Letting my Pen Streak Across the Page

Not for the faint of heart….. because you loved me……

It’s blog post Sunday. I am in immersion now. Where three hours go by in the blink of an eye. I’m writing from a place inside I’ve never even met. I just sit back and watch the words emerge onto the page.

I started experimenting with typing the last two sessions. Before being an old soul and grass roots kind of gal had me put pen to the page. However I can’t deny how quickly my brain goes, and how it outruns the pen on the page. I had to see what I could do with a different tool, come what may.

And in doing so I’ve found a whole new self staring at me from beyond the page.

It’s been a year …. Yesterday was a palindrome. I’ve known at least one of those before. If Taylor can do it so can I.

I find myself between the pages of many a beautiful story. I just want to read all the time. To branch out. To read fantasy, and mystery, sci fi, and everything else. To stray away from being out of balance, from too heady and too much self help.

I want to read to embrace the healing I’ve been able to accomplish. The fact my nervous system now allows it is not trivial.

Leave the cares about punctuation behind, or being witty and charming. I only need to be myself.

I’m in writing immersion communing with she that is I, a wealth of knowledge inside the girl who was always looking to be fulfilled from out.

These Annie’s Tropical Bunny Fruit Snacks are delicious. Late July tortilla chips in Cedar’s Tzatziki. I always spell that word wrong.

I have about thirty books I’m reading. It’s like a divining rod which one to choose.

I’m so light I could fly away. Perhaps I’ll go fly a kite with a boy I haven’t met yet. Could be a character who knows. I haven’t met him yet, but I will. I’m sure of it.

“It was in front of her all along” is the next writing. Ten minutes to be all up in it. The first hit of energy is the purpose of the prompt.

I no longer argue with them anymore. Full Surrender. I’ll never stop.

I need to be on the beach soon. Reading. Languishing for hours. Not overthinking what my next move is. Just being. Belly to the earth doing my shamanic healing. Fire ceremony and release.

In another window I have letters from Love Substack, by Liz Gilbert talking about her jaunty hat. Love it.

“We Make it Up As We Go Along” 

We think too much 

Just paint the picture

Write the song 

Choreography is for 

Suckers 

Just start moving 

Bang the gong 

The earth 

Will guide you 

You’ll 

Find 

You never have 

To wait for too long

We are more 

Alike than we are 

Different 

And everyone 

Else 

Is making it up 

As they go along 

Too 

I figured I’d share a small piece from my day. It’s nearly three and time to go back to reading Dune. I hope everyone is having a beautiful Sunday.

Posted on

Sensitive is The New Strong, Dying to be Me.

“And you’ve come from a good place with a happy family, the only bad thing you’ve ever done was to see the good in me. Find someone who plants flowers in the darkest parts of you.”ZB

As I sit here this morning, in my favorite window of me time in the morning. I am reveling in the notion that if you travel deeply, you keep returning to the same things again and again.

For example this morning I’m reading Anita Mooriani’s Sensitive is the new strong. It was around 2013, while working amidst the produce at Trader Joe’s in the wee hours of the morning I was listening to Dying to Be Me. It was with the first generation of Apple headphones and the iPhone with the button in the center, or earlier if I recall.

I resonated deeply with that book, though it was very hard to believe at the time, and my mind still tends towards skepticism, even as I am a believer.

I also listened to Paulo Coehlo books then, the Valkries, the Pilgrimage, etc.

A line: “you can’t unknow what you know” stands out to me, about any experience we have really.

I sit and think why didn’t I stand up for myself in so many ways, for so many things?!

When someone is actually telling you the truth to you, without being direct. I think of all I would have said. But I don’t think long on it now because there’s life to be lived and joy to be had, and of course because this is me, work to be done.

So I’m revisiting my birthright of sensitivity and the many resources needed to keep me in a good place with it. Very helpful. Also the highly sensitive person in love, by Dr Elaine Aron.

My traumatized mind grasping always to control its external environment, when the internal is so disorganized. Now I do the opposite.

I am building a home inside myself. A palace really.

Yesterday was the culmination of watching This is Us. It’s my new favorite written show. So much in there that makes you think, triggers and epiphanies alike. Of course because it’s tv if you let it, it could make you feel terrible about your life. All those warm and wise conversations about the important things between parents and children. I’m not naive to the knowledge without a written script many of us didn’t get that, or dole it out.

But it’s never too late to start.

Knowing who you want to be is as necessary as knowing who you are. I enjoy the journey of both. I am enjoying them.

I’m a UConn Husky Mom now! That’s exciting! I move a child into college for time number two in August. One more birdy out of the nest, and another migrating home for a few months before her next venture.

I will blink and the kids will have their own nests and flock home less, but still hopefully often. I have a wide open array of possibilities in life, still, always. I’m hopeful to rise to that occasion, even if that means allowing myself to sit and read a novel in an afternoon, without feeling I’ve missed a thing.

I don’t need to be in a hurry to capture everything. I just took a deep satisfying breath.

My window of time with the morning is closing soon. Everyone is buzzing about the eclipse. It’ll be time to walk the dogs, give Henri her medicine, carry her up and down the stairs, feed them. Take a walk and a shower. The shower is such a great part. All the thoughts gently cascading, all the recharge from the water….

And then to enter the day.

Taking twin A for blood work for her first time. She’s nervous. I know what that feels like, and usually I’m the last to say you’ll be fine, and to be reassuring. I’m more likely to be awkward and say something scary. My mind can be a delightful playground of deeply imprinted survival mechanics.

I’m just trying to take off the suit.

This is an homage to a dear friend. His is much cuter than mine of course. Mine is probably more like a Spartan, he the Pink Ranger.

Another day trying to connect with the humans and not be too sensitive to saying the wrong thing, as I often do in my real life, contrasted by often having exactly what someone needs in my professional one.

As I heal and create new comfort zones outside the walls of my original ones. As I build. I look forward to bridging those gaps. Filling the bullet holes inside myself with new skin, bone, flesh, and blood.

Less a project and more, perfection from birth that I wasn’t able to see.

With new mirrors and lenses I invite the day.

Hello world give me what you have for me, and I vow to show up with integrity, honor, and to be of service.