Like you’ll never be bored ha. I never am. Sometimes I think I’d like to be until I’m actually there.
Then of course I want to be somewhere else.
I’m doing a lap before taking twin b to the hospital for fluids and stuff to help her tummy. I hate that she got this disease.
I hate how my heart aches when she doesn’t feel well. How my gut wrenches when she wretches. But this is the price of admission and I’d gladly pay double, and it’s taken me a long time to get here.
I’m grateful beyond words lately.
Surrendered, open, loving, letting go. And boy is that difficult for me, to stay consistent with that. It’s daily work.
I can now see fear, control, and so many other things so much better. I can now see myself and others that way, thank God.
I’ve had such artful posts flow through my mind the past couple of days but couldn’t get it down and that’s ok. It’s softer now. There’s faith I will.
I will. Not owned by my will. Will you?!
Where my mind goes in all intimate moments, the all nighters, the special moments. I have as much control over that as I do gravity.
I want to be free. To play, to think, to write, to create. To breathe.
I have needed to and am becoming a better person through letting go. I used to think that it was a process of holding on, to beliefs, to safety, to my opinion. To anything.
God I was insufferable. I suffer just thinking about some of the damage I’ve done, and with that is all I’ve overcome. Conjoined twins.
What is solid and will always be, are my boundaries around choices, they will be made from my most authentic truth bravely, and not recklessly.
I will only be and accept direct straight forward honesty. That makes me breathe easier. That is my commitment to myself. I love her fiercely.
God she’s beautiful.
I am my best friend, and sure we fight sometimes but these days we repair quicker and cleaner.
I am committed to this work. To my beautiful clients who show up and show their scars, pain and hearts to me. It energizes me. If you show up my energy is yours to share in. I’m here.
My life is not only worth living it’s exquisite. A masterpiece. Nothing is allowed to steal my peace anymore, nothing.
I have family, coping mechanisms, love in my open heart, courage, a fierce mind, and I love living, and life with all that I am.
I wouldn’t move one piece of my puzzle.
This year I’m going to work on solid layers of self and continuing to not abandon myself, while also becoming better at love.
I see how much threat alert I lived with daily and what it has caused. I watch the damage daily in my children’s struggles. However I am right here for them. A rock. A River, an ocean. A warrior.
I am fiercely loyal, and that loyal was always going to need to include myself. I learned it didn’t.
Update ER for four hours. An experiment in the observation of humanity for sure. I may never come to one again. Somehow you end up worse off. Gah.
I watched the movie Burnt the other day, with Bradley Cooper. It resonated. Amazing movie about passion and recovery and food and creativity. It really touched me. I’ve watched it since.
I seem to stay attached to those type of things. Movies and music that make me feel something. It stays. I stay.
I’m back to reading schizophrenia and beginning one book after another but not committing, and resisting finishing them. Sigh. Time to slow down. Same with writing. Although there’s some new on that front. I’m beginning a therapeutic memoir writing course in January in addition to the immersion I’m already doing.
Investing.
There are new beautiful things happening. New energy.
The old and new converges into a brew a stew, a crew.
Coming soon, talking about connecting with family members I never imagined I would, and knowing things I never imagined I could. A bond with my father posthumously I didn’t expect via a family member.
And the ongoing process of how in the hell to decide how best to spend the time and talent I’ve been given. The ever elusive balance.
There’s so much ground to cover. But for now let me prevent myself from ending up in jail as a mom on her 5th hour of watching her daughter uncomfortable and not being able to do anything.