I’m soft and squishy this morning. The aftermath of another wave of grief. My grief is very physical. This episode I didn’t see coming. It’s rare for me to not see something coming. The rarest, and some of the most beautiful, and the darkest things have been of that variety.
Yet what is living if you can’t let go, and let life surprise you, and take the wheel sometimes.
Love is the most powerful force on earth: you simply cannot control it. Though I’ve tried my whole life.
Having so little experience with the stuff, I’ve tried most of my life to bend it to my will.
I’m not God. I wouldn’t want that job. Believe it or not 😉
So now I need faith. How do you believe in something that was never a natural part of your life. Something you’ve tried to learn logically while you still have oxygen in your lungs.
I’ve been in a hurry to learn love, until love had its way with me.
I’ve put all the narratives down. The shields. The sword.
I am naked.
Bare.
My story is all that stands left, unedited. No parts cut out. The whole thing.
Here I am.
It all matters to me.
I’ve put pathologizing down too. Trying to keep others safe from me, just in case, and instead causing harm any way. And I’ve had harm caused to me. It’s all part of living. No one is getting out of here alive.
I’m sober. I may not stay that way forever but right now I can’t afford emotional ups and downs more than I already have as an artist. I feel everything all the way through.
Everything except compassion for myself, for having survived this all or nothing existence, cut off from my own emotions.
My whole life I’ve been a coping mechanism, and now I’m healing into a human, and I’d almost prefer to go back, because the breaking and resetting is excruciating. There is no description that does it Justice. Yet 😉
I finally understand why people give up. I really do.
It’s not in my nature and my work is too vital. Those are my main motivators right now.
Most days I’m in agony and I’ve been ashamed of that. Like it might rub off on someone, like they can catch it. Like I’m supposed to just be ok and move on, because if not I’m sick like my mom. Always this demon lurking over me. Accidentally watched White Oleander the other night before bed. Not a good idea. Give me a good Disney movie. Oops.
I’ve been purging demons lately. That’s what trauma work is, quite literally. It’s what being possessed is…..
In giant waves of illness and stillness and comfort and rest after. The migraine melts immediately as soon as the true root of the pain is expressed. The robbing vice releases, and I can stop throwing up.
I haven’t thrown up since I was young.
Too much control. Too little love.
Now I have it all around it and I am it, and I’m adjusting. Why is love an itchy wool sweater for me?! There’s more than the judgment, there are other things too.
I’ll write them out. I’ll go in. I’m all in. Committed.
I began a new journal today, and ended my hamsa one yesterday. This one is all black with a skull and four gold leaves on the cover. It smells of Italian leather and reminds me of Día De Los Muertos. Makes sense and is a good dead of winter book.
Maybe it will contain more about all my dead selves than I’ve ever captured before.
I’m in writing immersions with Victoria Erickson. Learning to allow my life force and energy to flow, come what may.
Slowly working on home improvements. New office carpet, stairs and a railing going in, in the next few weeks. It’s so cozy in my sacred space. Just want to make sure it’s safe for my clients.
I made a contractor friend who is going to teach me how to do dry wall, and a few new things.
If I’m not learning I’m not happy. That’s a fact.
I want to learn everything all the time.
I’m beginning Barbara Streisand’s new memoir ! I love it already she’s so funny and real.
I am scheming a project to write my barber’s memoir. It’s been a spark for a long time. If you’re a person of the passionate variety, that’s all you need, and pretty soon it will catch fire.
I finally had the courage to pitch it, after last haircut. Today the spark became lit. He’s excited.
I’m hoping the practice will help me unlock mine. Not doing it alone helps.
Go Easy on Me just came on.
Flying twin b home from Florida for Thanksgiving. We will all be together in this home. That’s all I want is family. It’s all I’ve ever wanted really. No fight about where anyone will go, just offering love, and allowing those who want to gather.
To love my work, to be cozy with a good book by the fire, to continue to learn, and to connect with other human stories like myself, and share.
I’m the most myself I’ve ever been, and it’s been so much to get here. I cannot even tell you. There’s still so much work to do, it will never be done, but I’m so happy doing it.
I’m in uncharted waters. Exhausting and exciting. Always keep curiosity just a little bit larger than fear.
I’m burning off layers and layers of shame and pain. With every mile, every word penned, every sunrise and set.
Letting Go
All my love,
C