There are times in our life where we need that so badly that we accept it in the form of someone who doesn’t keep us safe.
Then what?
Only to be shown what’s possible but then put them back up even thicker.
Needs are an interesting thing.
I’d venture many if not most broken relationships are the result of not being able to communicate our needs and be responsive enough in the demands of the culture and society we live in.
I used to think America was the greatest.
Because I was told that right. Now I’m leaning much more towards it emphasizes all the wrong things.
What fundamentals are we built on? Stepping on the backs of others to achieve our own status while not considering others. A beautiful Instagram feed?!
When mostly behind the pictures are struggling lost souls.
There is no pleasure allowed, only the pursuit of the American dream.
I’m finding at this point in my life other cultures have it so much more figured out. That life is also about family and connection and pleasure and the TIME to have those things.
Time!
How is one to have time if they have not achieved society’s idea of the American Dream.
But what are my dreams ?! Where are my dreams?
Completing the stress response cycle ? Perhaps. Hint Emily Nagowski probably spelled wrong.
I dream of not having my trauma and coping mechanisms dictate my life.
I know I’m far from isolated in that dream. Many people share it and are seeking exactly that in my office.
Spoiler: I don’t have it figured out either, but I desire that.
There’s desire! Hi my old friend how have you been?
I need to understand you better.
You’ve caused such grief in my life, but also had my back and opened so many doors.
You raging compass.
You really fuck me up sometimes …..
But you also led me to my true self and north.
Why’s it gotta be so complicated. You get it Avril, and Taylor, and Pink…..
Music you get me. I’m writing this to the tune of the piano guys radio.
Music pulls down my walls and gives me back to myself.
It’s why I want to play it, listen to it, more fully experience it and myself. Don’t forget yourself champ. But how ?!
And the song ended.
Now maybe there will be a different rhythm to my writing.
I’m sweaty and lost and sad on a Monday morning. And I’m also hopeful and excited about the possibilities of the day. These are my defaults as much as anything else. Thank god.
Music stimulates my brain in the right way to bring the walls down. It’s steady. I am in control. If I don’t like a song I change it. But I rarely do actually. I like to take in everything music has to teach me because it’s safe.
Writing is too I am learning and I’m finally letting go and doing it.
Having no idea the outcome.
The guy in 22 is trying to navigate his grass. He stands over it puzzled begging it to look as nice as the other lawns. But he’s just beginning. Someday it will because of his patient attendance and devotion.
So it’s one day at a time for now with music, walking, reading and writing.
Finding balance between thinking and feeling. Head and heart.
They are navigating too…..creating their connection.
No negotiations needed!