I am preparing for family therapy tonight. It has felt like preparing for battle, and it never should have. That’s inside of me, I tried to never let it out. That wasn’t an option. It leaked and poured out the seems and the more aware I was, the worse I felt.
The worse they felt….
The battle was always inside of me, and it would always create one outside. It began before I was born, and it’s my task, not my burden. Though if you caught me on any difficult day, I would tell you it was.
My battle is my task, trauma as a task to absolve. Is that the right word? I damn sure know it doesn’t dissolve, because that’s such a tame word, and it doesn’t.
Feral, tame, feral, tame….. battle battle battle….
To see things clearly and with safety is the ultimate privilege anyone could ever have.
Don’t cry for me, don’t hold me…. Just see me. Show me you see me. The guard goes down just a little, but he never takes off his armor. It’s stifling inside of here, this suit of metal. Once you’re hit so many times it never goes down.
All of the intensity of not receiving support fired straight at my kids. The truth is unbearable at times. I want to change out my suit of armor for robes. Even choosing an outfit is exhausting. I’d like to simplify everything. Maybe it will help. The Buddhist principles. Maybe they will help.
Can anything help?
Is it better to be a tortured soul than a lost one? Are those my only choices ? Most of my life it’s felt like it.
Is this the hill I’m going to die on? The best they could say is at least she never gave up. I guess that’s something for them, and everything for someone like me.
“All I ever wanted was some support that was unconditional. I tried to find that in partnership and failed every time because that’s not an unconditional relationship.
I had to give up me to have security.
Who would I be without my guard. I never let it down anywhere or with anyone except in the bath maybe is where that began.
I ache that I didn’t give you a better family life. That I “failed” every time and became more ashamed.
I ache at the word selfish. I never had a self to enjoy. Everything I looked like I was enjoying I was just trying at, trying to learn it.
I was trying to protect you and that backfired.
That I couldn’t just create a loving and warm mother out of thin air. That I didn’t keep my focus on you because primarily of resources emotionally and financially.
And then to shame myself for it, and then to be shamed for it.
Is agony…..
When I feel I have no support I run around like a feral animal, lashing and biting. I run scared all the time. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I’m sorry for the amounts I gave to you.
So many parts child still…
My trauma is also yours…..
I’m sorry
It takes an act of god to access my feelings, let alone show you. So I try to bridge the gap with writing because I can safely access myself there.
I’m like a human machine for detecting patterns and behavior because I spent my life trying to make sure I could keep you safe from me (my trauma).
You just wanted my time and attention and I did too. Everyone was in scarcity.
Now we could have this thing and I don’t know how to let go.
To find the balance of not being walked all over, but also having respect for myself and being able to love you.
I’d like to love you. To have and to make room to be loving. Please know that I need help with this, it wasn’t naturally given to me.
And I also need to be your mom to teach you and have boundaries etc.
This is often out of balance. I’m desperately seeking balance.”
Desperate causes so much harm. The feeling alone.
Desperate my whole life.
I’m running out of that energy and will I land at the bottom of my own inner well (sacred space) defeated in a puddle of my own shame and self loathing.
Or is it possible to rise out of something like this. ?
Balance
If my guard lets down at this point in my life will I just drop lifeless to the ground? It’s all I have ever known. This is my truth.
It took years to turn a sensitive, loving, creative child into a sentinel.
How can you ask me to undo that?
A major rule of therapy is you cannot strip away someone defense mechanism or reveal them to themselves without first replacing that with something more functional. You have to make a safe landing space first.
I’ve been this for countless people in my office, and often times the opposite for my children.
I will need to live with the balance of this truth, with forgiveness and mercy in my heart, if I am to live without constant suffering.
Atonement
How did I even get here? I’m not even religious :p That all caused me so much damage, repression, shame… it was in the wrong hands of course. Are there wrong hands ? Or just incredibly broken ones.
The questions are endless…..
“Suffering had led me to wherever I am, suffering has made me rebel against my own weakness. – Leonard Cohen
“What Happens to The Heart.”