I had a post brewing earlier but now my brain is mush. I’m sitting under the horrific fluorescent lights, for the last time, waiting for movers. Seems silly at this point to even have them after the already trips but I digress. I was going to just sell the furniture but as I’m sitting in here and on it, I’m realizing the love I have for it. I love this couch and chair, they are very comfortable and it’s been with me a long time in many capacities. What memories exist in here, on here.
Anyway…. Today was exhausting. My fabulous Fridays off have not been such lately. They have been filled to the brim with admin and tasks. I filed some important paperwork today, there are some hiccups, but it will get ironed out.
Mostly I am just trying to rest in between triggers. That’s my life lately. I’m grateful I’m aware of them and learning me. It helps me stay humble and connected and both of those things are fine by me.
I’ll be taking the girls to look at a college in Rhode Island this weekend. We are staying at an air bnb and so that’s not something that happens often. I’m really excited to have this time with them. My therapist reminds me these are things I never did, and so I also get to have these experiences. It’s a good thing. Light hearted and having some fun.
Winter is approaching, we are taking the last of the window units out, that just gave me a flashback to a very cold closely proximal window unit with memories attached. I thought I’d die one way or another 😉 ha. It’s time to winterize. Each year I grow wiser about home things, this home. I have almost 1000 coming back to me from Hoffman energy, as they had my budget plan too high. So I’m going to see how far I can stretch that this year into cash oil deliveries strategically planned based on the market. I’m getting pretty good about learning money things and this home. That’s a good feeling.
It’s the simple things. Funny I listened to the piano version of Teddy Swims version this morning. So comforting. Right now everything is about comfort and calm and just being still. I feel bad most of the time in one way or another. Nausea, loneliness, sad….and a whole slew of other things. But there is a calm about all of it that’s simply irreplaceable. If the rest of my life was comfort, books, walks, nature, and enjoying my children, that would be a beautiful life.
I already have a beautiful life. I always did. I just didn’t know it. Makes me think of She’s Having a Baby. Emdr has been very intense lately, my therapist is pushing me. Themes of being enough and being misunderstood. Always working so frantically to be seen, wounds and all, and truly accepting those that don’t, and that sometimes I don’t see things as they are. It’s humbling.
These guys should be here any minute. More nausea. I’m listening to The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. It was tough capturing my attention in the beginning, but now it’s getting very interesting.
Other simple things that feel good lately, watching my girls play soccer and bonding w a set of kindred parents. Getting to know my neighbor and enjoying her puppy and story respectively. Walking and cuddling with Henri. Getting to know me. Love and support from friends. And the little gifts that keep arriving from a big fan. How I got one of those who knows. Little Etsy gifts that are tailored to me. Creature comforts, and very much something I’m not used to. I feel special and loved.
I think the movers are here. I can’t wait to be curled up in bed: in the absence of truly everything comfort is found in the simple things. I just for the first time in 8 or 9 years bought new LL bean slippers. I Got black ones, with credit card points from buying all of my kids a pair this past Christmas. My old red ones were so lived in nothing will replace them, but all the fluff and comfort were gone. So I’m very much looking forward to these…
And to the next time my hand is in someone’s who genuinely is loving towards me…. Things to look forward to someday. For now I’ll get really good at comforting myself and appreciating every moment I get 💜