Being a Clinician helps me validate my own trauma on a daily basis. It gives me a space where I can acknowledge it, along with carefully detecting others and helping them become self-supportive versus being their own authoritarian parent.
Every single time someone reveals themselves to me I get permission to reveal me to myself, and I grow.
I’ve come so far on my path that it’s time to peel back another layer of denial. My trauma still lives in my body and wreaks havoc on my ability to enjoy…..everything.
My body is the last part to address. I’ve been working on my mind basically my whole life. And I never seem to be able to find a Clinician who will see beneath my high functioning exterior and be able to help me hit that sweet spot between acknowledging and not being terrified as I do.
I need to fall in love with my body. I have never loved it much. It was drilled into me in a thousand ways I shouldn’t.
First, as a woman, as my mother’s daughter I was already capable at any moment of being the promiscuous temptress she was (at the ripe age of 10 or so), so it was drilled into me sex was bad, being around boys was bad, and even movement in my own body, bad. No dancing. No joy. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.00.
Second, I liked the boys section of clothing always. They had the cooler stuff. I never liked lace and bows and never liked to do my hair. Even when my own daughters came along, that wasn’t something I ever did. I didn’t know how really. And also had no desire to learn. I’ve never been girly. Call it hormones, tomboy, the urge to be more male like as a means to protect myself and anyone else. I was always shamed for that.
As adolescence and puberty came along I desperately tried to fit the bill and be like the other girls because I so wanted to be picked and chosen, probably by them, but I wouldn’t know that until much later. I was convinced by society and the standard that Prince Eric was the prize and Ariel was who I needed to look like. And if you have ever met me once I know what I need to do to adapt and be picked, I am an unstoppable force.
But none of it ever felt very natural and I couldn’t put my finger on why.
Sex never came very naturally either. Was this the thing I was supposed to enjoy so much? I made it work. I always make things work, but never under a confident hand that pressed for their own needs. Not until much later anyway. I could only choose those just as lost and confused as I was, but to me anyone looked like a well in the middle of the desert. Anyone who paid me 1/2 a second of attention… could have my whole heart.
I would have our wedding dreamt up. My imagination the sustaining force of my inside world. Naive and childlike this imagination; I have to give her credit, she has taken me on a Wild wild ride, and it did lead to my destiny. So to speak anyway.
And now that I’ve cracked the code on love, my sexuality, am becoming the best parent that was ever possible given my history, am a successful and sincere Clinician who loves her work. Now that so many of my dreams have come true it is time to work on a strong, proud, fluid, gentle, relaxed, healthy body.
Now how does one do this without getting overwhelmed by all the possibilities? I can do yoga, Pilates, exercise groups (terror for me), I want to find someone who can tell me more about how my brain compares to those who haven’t had my experiences. More validation. I never validated the C-PTSD. Helping others gets me just close enough to mine to look, but we haven’t quite tipped over the edge of owning this history yet.
Why if I am doing so well? Is a measure of denial not productive and healthy? I’m not sure. Strip away these layers and terror could lie beneath. I could crumble under the realizations. But Christina, “you have never crumbled before, cut that out.”
I don’t exercise primarily because every little extra fast beat of my heart makes me feel like I might drop dead any moment. The true reality of me if you want to know the truth is I am the imagineer of terrible scenarios. I do it everywhere, all of the time.
If I’m walking to he big E and we pass a bridge. And a woman with a baby walks over it. I imagine her or someone else, throwing it over. If I’m on a train to go do something fun, I begin to have scenarios of a gun man getting up, or of the train exploding, crashing. I’m sitting right there with my family about to enjoy a nice day. And so then the physical symptoms begin, the tingling and numbness, the chest discomfort, bad stomach time, will I find a bathroom in time. This was so much worse at a certain point. I’ve mostly conquered the physical, by not entertaining the thoughts, but they still are there.
This is just a tiny picture of what could go through my mind. We went to Hamilton this past year, one of the best days of my life. We were in orchestra and my children (teens) on top of the mezzanine, smiling down for a photo. And terrible images of them jumping, or when I’ve been up there, what would happen if I jumped.
I have no desire to kill myself, in fact quite the opposite I have a terrible fear of not completing my missions here in time,
Why is this such a part of me (I know why). Why even with all of my work can’t it be laid to rest. My body is as tight as anything you have ever imagined. Stiff as a board, not light as a feather. Every muscle is ready all of the time for battle, at any moment.
I would like to catch my body up with my mind. Would like it to feel as healthy, strong, capable, fit,.. as I’ve created my mind to be able to be. But I keep telling a story of tired. This is when I want to coast I say…and then the anger and resentment rises and there is no room for that in my life because it makes me irritable with my family when I don’t want to be.
So denial keeps everything where it needs to be so I can function just enough. Peel back denial and you are completely in the unknown. And imagine if I can picture such terrible scenarios in the known what I can do with the unknown.
Imagine…..
So recently I’ve finally been convinced to try CBD oil. Enough clients are finding success from it I really wanted to try. I have a complicated relationship with marijuana, and yes yes I know no thc in this, but if you have seen the things I have at the hands of your own mother and even the smell is a trigger. I hate the stuff. I know tons of people find relief, but also it’s a dark mistress as well. There is a dark side, it robs motivation and self efficacy and convinces you it is the only thing needed. It masks and hides as well.
Taking any new medication induces such hypochondria in me I begin having physical symptoms and can’t tell whether it’s anxiety or the medication being taken. A really fun time. I already don’t feel well in a variety of ways each day, from my Crohn’s Disease. So I am determined to get my self healthier.
So I tried oil from https://www.cbdmd.com
750 mg gummies and oil.
The result thus far after 3 tries at a gummy in the evening. I felt anxious about taking said thing and felt weird eye pressure and head pressure, though this has been bugging me awhile, so probably not that.
I realized that while I don’t feel anything in my head. I can’t tell what it’s doing. My body feels relaxed in a way it never has. My level of red alert constantly is a little more relaxed. I have never slept so good. And this morning I cried with the possible realization that my body could be this stressed for this much of my life. That this could be real and not a concoction of my mind to validate my experiences.
So my new mission is to lose weight, not leave my body last to absorb the brunt of everything, and to find natural mediums to heal myself. To be willing to devote that time and energy, and not just say I’m too busy or it comes last.
So I will be writing about this as I go. Each days attempt at body love and trauma work, and everything else in my world.