The dam broke open this morning finally after an immense amount of pressure has been piling up for days, weeks really. I feel it is my responsibility to share this with anyone who will listen because this is the raw and true moment that comes with all the realizations (and a lot of nausea).
I’ve been having a lot of trouble with my 14 year old daughter (one of them, I mean both really, but one relationship is truly suffering). The truth is I miss her, but on the outside my frustration is sadly much more accessible. So recently we tried to find a therapist. You’ve heard the phrase “Doctors make terrible patients”…. well…
We had a family therapist for many years who was intuitive and had a certain presence and nothing has been the same since she relocated to Colorado. I’ve been looking for a guide for us, to point out those little blind spots we all have, and the message seems to continue to resound clearly from the Universe that I have what I need inside. But come on Universe I believe in therapy and I don’t want to do this all on our own. :/ I never wanted to do things all on my own, but that has been my legacy of childhood. In adulthood however I’ve found an abundance of support and others to travel with, the cost was sometimes fairly high though. Not all created healthy connections. Now in the space of the healthy one I am able to process through my emotions, rather than being caught up in them. Then the demons can pass on along after their haunting and rarely does the same one have a need to come back.
So after a session with my daughter and this new therapist the other night a lot of things happened. The therapist was stumped and I don’t blame her, not in this moment of clarity anyway. My daughter was determined to be hard and inaccessible. The damage occurred when the therapist seemed to suggest that if sessions would be this way we wouldn’t continue. I couldn’t understand, the point of being at therapy is that suffering is occurring and it often looks messy. Part of the magic is staying when it’s hard. Staying with warmth. I’m having an oh shit moment as I realize how hard of a time I have doing this with my own children. Clients yes. With my kids, the stakes are so high. Lots of work to do here.
Anyway she shot me helpless looks during session, didn’t really take control of the session or offer much, except the feeling she didn’t really want to try. My last straw was when after having told her we needed a set apt every single week for right now, and agreeing on Monday nights at 6:30, that she stated that “she had a scheduling conflict” for our next apt. Then a couple of minutes later commented “that after last weeks difficult session, she didn’t think we would be back”, indicating she had put someone else into that spot. I’ve given no indication that I wouldn’t show up to an appointment. And right then and there trust was broken. I was livid. As a therapist myself my understanding that hurting people are extra raw, and being consistent and transparent with them is part of the therapy itself. Being honest and feeling like even if it’s hard now, we will get to a better place. If I don’t know what to do with a client I’ll say that, and then something like but things rarely stay this difficult for an indefinite time period, so let’s keep working at it. It’s the heart, energy, and enthusiasm that is sometimes the medicine. These things something that have felt depleted from me after this more than I would like.
So anger built, and then more things happened to fuel it… and more. People showing themselves to not be trustworthy in my life. To be careless with my resources or inconsiderate of my time. Oh I was angry.
The crescendo is when I came home last night particularly over-tired and the kids hadn’t fed or cared for our dogs, and were zombies in the light of their electronics and I just snapped. I had a “toddler fit”… and vented to my safe space, my wife. My person who as it turns out had also had a hard day. I sent her many texts that began with I’m angry and followed with every last thing vexing my soul. After the storm had calmed I felt ashamed. I didn’t ask how her day was yet. Her eyes were tired and full of her own world too. And then the big fear “I took up too much space”. Except since she never treats me like this it’s only a little fear with her. She’s always gentle with me.
The take home. I still have deep deep triggers about abandonment and being confused by someone’s behavior. Situations that involve trust. Rejection sensitivity. I’ve done a lot of work… but this episode reminded me we are always doing our work.
This morning while having my bath time and writing my soul soothing morning pages it all came together. I recognized my triggers, truly wept in the pain place, and am now emerging with a new strength and energy determined to lead with compassion and understanding. To continue to try and cultivate this within myself and share how to find it with my family.
Beneath anger is always always a place that hurts deeply, if we could just tap into it the pressure can be let out, and the wounds can get air and salve for healing. Gentle loving space for them allows the healing to occur. Self-reflection and willingness to see my part in things and not hold onto anger is therapy. It’s one of the hardest things. I devote most of my life to the art of doing that, and I want to always be a guiding light for others in this. I’m doing very well at that, according to feedback. But with my own family in my own home I need to do some work… and this is ok, NOT SHAMEFUL, because we are always doing the work.
What’s left after the storm is gratitude for my life and my wife that creates space for all our big feelings, without judging or reacting, or demanding she have space right then. I’m the luckiest person in the world for this love and for my work….