Just trying to write this post is an exact example of what I am talking about. Let me see if I can paint you a picture. I have one of my twin daughters laying in bed with me talking at random every few minutes (which I wouldn’t trade for the world, but does interrupt concentration ha). My bulldog is whining from the kitchen. My phone lights up from the occasional text. I can see the reflection in the mirror of the ceiling fan whirring. What’s even more difficult is the process going on inside my head. At any given time I am thinking about: if I have confirmed my client appointments for tomorrow, what I need to pick up from the store for dinner, that I really should be doing laundry or one of the many tasks I have been neglecting, that I really shouldn’t have eaten TacoBell for dinner, that I should have gone to the gym (engaging the should and shouldn’ts is really another blog post entirely), what appointments I need to make for my kids, for myself, for the pets, and a various thousand other things. I could go on forever like this … It feels as if the only way I can concentrate ever on producing anything of substance is if I was often in total silence. I am rarely in even semi-silence.
“I feel like I have so many thoughts inside me dying to get out that I am just bursting at the seams…”
Blog posts that are on my mind currently. Palo Santo the Sacred wood and my current obsession with holistic methods. Parenthood and how does one survive it. Love and how I am doing so well at it recently ;). Psychics and my journey with becoming a believer. My recent experience as a Red Cross Volunteer providing Disaster Mental Health services in Houston Texas. On learning to be “lighter”, becoming a mother, blended families…. on and on. Oh and I would also like to write my gorgeous partner because that’s what we do. more on that later 😉
At any given time I want to read and write both equally and can never decide which so when I sit and try to do either I am usually thinking about the one I am not doing. This amount of chaos in my mind wears me out swiftly and often makes my chest tight with anxiety. This means I constantly run on over-drive and then crash, and concern myself mostly with comforting the deep level of exhaustion I experience that is only complicated by having Crohn’s Disease. Over the past couple of years I have noticed things becoming dramatically more difficult during certain times of my menstrual cycle. So finally in a fit of frustration I sought out solace in my friend Google. Google is a place where I often go to type in exaclty how I am feeling and find more information on the topic. It is comforting for me. Or now that I have mostly recovered from my hypochonria enough to not only focus on the terrifying things, I find it to be.
These articles I came across are very validating and full of information.
http://untappedbrilliance.com/adhd-and-pms/
https://www.everydayhealth.com/add-adhd/what-happens-when-pms-strikes.aspx
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/adhd/2010/08/holy-hormones-magnified-by-adhd/
So now I knew I wasn’t crazy and I am definitely not alone. Now to go about figuring out a diagnosis of ADHD. I was diagnosed as a child and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I have it. As a Mental Health Counselor I know a lot about what goes into the process from the diagnosing end, however this is mostly with children/adolescents, and mostly from the other side of the desk. So tomorrow I am going to a Neurologist in Stratford to see about getting a diagnosis.
I am nervous about this. Primarily because medications that help with ADHD are stimulants and my system seems to run on overdrive as it is. Of course as one who does her research I know that often times medications that treat ADHD make anxiety worse. So back to those fun and real “easy” questions of which came first… something about chickens and eggs. Will ADHD medication make my anxiety worse? My history with medications is a tough one. I am an individual who is hyper aware of even the slightest change in her force field, and not a fan of medication based on past experiences. At this point though I feel as if I would do anything to be able to concentrate better, listen better, focus and be able to complete a single task at a time without thinking about the next 20, or a thousand other things simultaneously.
Often times when someone is speaking or giving direction or my kids are talking to me I can’t seem to focus. Truly one of the only spaces I become fully present is in my practice. When a person’s need combines with my joy for growth etc it is as if my “powers” are activated. But left to my own devices outside of that demand or someone who will definitely call me out on not listening (which is also often really embarrasing especially when it comes to directions etc.), and I really really struggle. This creates a big deficit in confidence. I remember being a kid and given a set of directions for example while playing roller hockey, to do a certain formation through a set of cones they had set up, and for the life of me unless I watched someone else do it many times I could not do what they verbally told me. I have to slowly be shown, and try several times physically myself until I can commit it to memory etc. There are times I have felt like something in my brain is broken as a result of this. I know that I am not stupid and the older I get I understand the world more often as each individual has unique gifts and we are wired differently. The same things I struggle with are also conjoined with some of my most beautiful aspects.
Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of all of this is if you give me a clear and well defined task that requires discipline and committment I am aware I can succeed at it, provided I am allowed to put all of my energy into that task. If I set my mind to being more healthy I can definitely do so, but then I have to let many other aspects slide. If I set my mind to love I am capable of being the most considerate person you have ever met, but then other things slide. If I set my mind to my home looking like the poster child for HGTV then it would be just that, but then I probably would forget to pay my bills and my business would most likely go up in flames.
I become so overwhelmed by this whole process I just freeze up often. Irritability is probably one of my biggest symptoms, and since I possess a keen degree of self-awareness I am never blissfully ignorant to how unpleasant I can be when I can’t figure out how to focus on things that are important to me. With me everything feels important. Here is an article about High Sensitivity and ADHD.
https://www.additudemag.com/hypersensitivity-disorder-with-adhd/
Like many people I have been trying to tough out a lot of my feelings and the things that are overwhelming. Luckily I have a supportive person that I can literally vent my every single emotion to and she does not take it personally, defensively and allows me the space I need. This is a huge piece of my ability to cope.
I know that if medication does not work I will need to utilize natural coping mechanisms and make other adjustments. I spent so much of my life trying to catch up on things I learned or started late that I became used to moving at a dizzying pace. My mind also races so quickly this is a natural state for me. I have to work extremely hard at slowing myself down and re-wiring what feels like how I am naturally made. This is not easy.
So for now Doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I will keep you posted.